Page 2 | Conflicted about two events coming up

4C04 · 2024-11-15T13:00:11+00:00

Basically, there’s a wedding/party coming up and the hosts are family friends (as in, my parents’ friends so they knew me when I was younger/before I got married etc). I’m not really close with them but my mum told me that they’d also invited us (me/husband etc) to the wedding and it would be great for us to all go. I was genuinely looking forward to this because I haven’t been to a wedding for a while and mum life can sometimes stall your social life a bit so I naturally got excited. We didn’t actually get a personal invite - it was merely my mum who gave us this info so I relied on this and told my husband who was also happy to go. We didn’t actually get told the date either just the month so we just carried on as normal and made our own plans to travel somewhere. So, my mum then tells me the date of the party and it happens to be the same date as our travelling plans. I initially wanted to go to the wedding party and thought my husband wouldn’t mind postponing our plans - but he’s not pleased at all for the following reasons: 1. he feels that me changing my mind has been heavily influenced by my mum. 1. he doesn’t understand how we weren’t given a personal invite and were merely told by my mum - he found this strange and slightly annoying - and we also didn’t even know the date until AFTER making our own travelling plans. If the hosts wanted to do things properly they would have asked for our numbers and passed on the party details etc. 1. he thinks that I often go along with whatever my mum wants us to do and he wants me to (in my interpretation) grow up a bit and start doing my own things 1. He had initially said that he’s fine with me going and he’ll travel alone - then he changed his mind after thinking about it 🤔 I only wanted to go because I got really excited about it - but now I feel like I’m kind of being forced to do our travelling plans - is it that bad to change your mind?

Original poster

4C04 · 16/11/2024 10:11

Dishwashersaurous · 16/11/2024 10:04

Op I think that your mum is probably quite q dominating personality, and perhaps you don't realise. You are so just so used to doing something that your mum says you should do, you don't actually even think about it.

I'm sure that if someone else had said that you were invited to a wedding, but you didn't have an invitation or any details. You would just assume its a throw away comment and not think about it again.

However, because your mum said it you believe it must be fact.

So. Go on the holiday.

If your mum asks about the wedding you say.

"Yes I know that you are going to X wedding. We haven't been invited. We have received no invitation or details. We are going on holiday. Hope that you have a lovely time at the wedding. "

And then do not engage in any further conversation

As time has gone by, I have started to realise this and have started to implement small boundaries here and there. For example, when my mum asks for help with something that I’m
genuinely unable to do due to busyness or exhaustion from work etc, I kindly say no and explain why. Before, I would have still gone ahead regardless of how I feel.

OP posts:

Mercedes45 · 16/11/2024 10:09

4C04 · 15/11/2024 13:20

Well, it’s all a bit messy in my opinion. A few months ago we got told that the couple are having a wedding and that we were invited and that was it…we just totally forgot about it as we didn’t know the official date/time or anything…we don’t even know whether it’s an actual church wedding or register office etc

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You are not invited to this wedding.

Original poster

4C04 · 16/11/2024 10:08

pinotgrigeeeeo · 16/11/2024 03:14

When is the wedding?

I agree it doesn't sound as if you are invited.

But I mean, you didn't even have a date for the wedding, just the month. How could you possibly have thought you were going? How could you mum have possibly thought you were going? You were just supposed to keep the entire month clear and wait for her summons?

Why didn't she tell you the date? I'd say that's the biggest clue that you're not invited and I think your mum knows it. When was it last mentioned?

Also how could you be excited about choosing an outfit etc when you don't even know where the wedding venue is, how formal / informal, inside / outside etc? And how could you be expected to organise a gift without knowing where it is?

Or organise childcare? Who was going to be looking after the kids if you and your husband and parents were at the wedding? Or did your mum tell you they were invited too?

Also you keep talking about "travelling" and "travel plans", but it sounds like it's just a hotel that's been booked? No transport? So sounds like you are just driving to a hotel? Which is why you've suggested to just change the date? Is it a family holiday or just you and husband? Who's looking after the kids and have you made arrangements for that?

I didn’t actually think about the practical side of things like childcare, I intended to take them with me to the wedding. In terms of travel plans, we planned to go to another city for a weekend away so there’s no plane tickets involved - just hotel bookings etc. we were also invited to another party in that city we’re travelling to so my husband really didn’t want to cancel with them after telling them we booked a hotel and we’re coming etc.

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 16/11/2024 10:04

Op I think that your mum is probably quite q dominating personality, and perhaps you don't realise. You are so just so used to doing something that your mum says you should do, you don't actually even think about it.

I'm sure that if someone else had said that you were invited to a wedding, but you didn't have an invitation or any details. You would just assume its a throw away comment and not think about it again.

However, because your mum said it you believe it must be fact.

So. Go on the holiday.

If your mum asks about the wedding you say.

"Yes I know that you are going to X wedding. We haven't been invited. We have received no invitation or details. We are going on holiday. Hope that you have a lovely time at the wedding. "

And then do not engage in any further conversation

pinotgrigeeeeo · 16/11/2024 03:14

When is the wedding?

I agree it doesn't sound as if you are invited.

But I mean, you didn't even have a date for the wedding, just the month. How could you possibly have thought you were going? How could you mum have possibly thought you were going? You were just supposed to keep the entire month clear and wait for her summons?

Why didn't she tell you the date? I'd say that's the biggest clue that you're not invited and I think your mum knows it. When was it last mentioned?

Also how could you be excited about choosing an outfit etc when you don't even know where the wedding venue is, how formal / informal, inside / outside etc? And how could you be expected to organise a gift without knowing where it is?

Or organise childcare? Who was going to be looking after the kids if you and your husband and parents were at the wedding? Or did your mum tell you they were invited too?

Also you keep talking about "travelling" and "travel plans", but it sounds like it's just a hotel that's been booked? No transport? So sounds like you are just driving to a hotel? Which is why you've suggested to just change the date? Is it a family holiday or just you and husband? Who's looking after the kids and have you made arrangements for that?

Tink3rbell30 · 15/11/2024 23:33

4C04 · 15/11/2024 22:26

Okay, the way that you’ve phrased this makes me see how wrong the situation is and how I should have stuck to my original plans

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They can go another time. Ignore the phrasing of that, it's worded to make you feel bad OP. You can do what you prefer.

Original poster

4C04 · 15/11/2024 22:26

Whothefuckdoesthat · 15/11/2024 22:05

Are you serious? He thinks he’s going on a lovely holiday with his wife, he comes home and she tells him that he has to go by himself because she’s off to the wedding of a vague acquaintance with her mum. Would you happily accept that if your DH cancelled going on holiday with you for the same reason?

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Okay, the way that you’ve phrased this makes me see how wrong the situation is and how I should have stuck to my original plans

OP posts:

Whothefuckdoesthat · 15/11/2024 22:05

Tink3rbell30 · 15/11/2024 18:29

He's being a man child. You want to go to the wedding so go. Your travel can be rearranged at no cost, if you don't go to the wedding and keep the travel plans you'll only resent going as you didn't really want to on that date

Are you serious? He thinks he’s going on a lovely holiday with his wife, he comes home and she tells him that he has to go by himself because she’s off to the wedding of a vague acquaintance with her mum. Would you happily accept that if your DH cancelled going on holiday with you for the same reason?

Crumpleton · 15/11/2024 21:55

I do actually agree that your immediate family are now your DH and DC.

Your DM should learn that she no longer gets a say in how you choose to run your life, if she takes umpage that's for her to deal with.

Original poster

4C04 · 15/11/2024 21:50

BrieHugger · 15/11/2024 21:44

Hang on, so is it your mum’s best friend who’s getting married?

Edited

Yes, her very good friend.

OP posts:

BrieHugger · 15/11/2024 21:44

Hang on, so is it your mum’s best friend who’s getting married?

Original poster

4C04 · 15/11/2024 21:39

SapphireOpal · 15/11/2024 21:34

You don't seem to give a fuck about whether your husband's happy or not, but he should be top of your list after you. Not a distant third behind your mum and some random couple you don't even have a phone number for.

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I do struggle this with this , but I didn’t realise it. I do now.

OP posts:

Original poster

4C04 · 15/11/2024 21:38

Aria999 · 15/11/2024 21:31

my mum said that because she’s maid of honour that the whole family should be there.

And there you have it. Your mum thinks you should have been invited so she was just planning to bring you along and make them put up with it.

I don’t think this is the case. I’m sure it’s not about making them “put up with it”.

OP posts:

SapphireOpal · 15/11/2024 21:34

4C04 · 15/11/2024 20:56

I don’t think I dance to her tune, I think I just try to make everybody happy at the same time. I’m definitely someone who likes to avoid conflict/confrontation but it’s harder now that I have a family of my own. But I do agree I need to start being more firm with my initial decisions.

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You don't seem to give a fuck about whether your husband's happy or not, but he should be top of your list after you. Not a distant third behind your mum and some random couple you don't even have a phone number for.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/11/2024 21:32

4C04 · 15/11/2024 21:16

It’s kind of hard to explain why I was excited…it’s not that I don’t have a social life, it’s more like, a reason for me to dress up/make up/hair etc. I don’t really get glammed up the way I used to because I’m quite busy with young kids. And yes I know I can plan nights out etc but it’s not that easy and require planning which I sometimes can’t be bothered for.

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Were you going to take your kids to the wedding or were you going to leave them with your DH?

Was your planned trip a family holiday with your children?

Aria999 · 15/11/2024 21:31

my mum said that because she’s maid of honour that the whole family should be there.

And there you have it. Your mum thinks you should have been invited so she was just planning to bring you along and make them put up with it.

Original poster

4C04 · 15/11/2024 21:19

Dishwashersaurous · 15/11/2024 21:15

Your mum said that because she is maid of honour, her whole family should be there.

That's very, very, very different from you have been invited to this wedding

It's becoming more and more obvious that you actually haven't been invited. If the lack of an invitation wasn't enough of a clue.

You need to apologise to your husband, and go on holiday

Yeah, I’ll need to chat with him and clear things up for sure. I do appreciate the various perspectives because I probably wouldn’t have come to this conclusion myself.

OP posts:

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/11/2024 21:17

Crumpleton · 15/11/2024 13:11

I'd have thought it a bit odd to arrange travel plans during the same month that you had a wedding to go to without finding out the definite day the wedding was happening on, none of you thought to double check?

If you can't get a refund on your travel plans you now have to choose which one you want to attend, unfortunately it's an either or.

This.

I also wouldn't assume you are definitely invited.

Original poster

4C04 · 15/11/2024 21:16

Catsbreakfast · 15/11/2024 21:13

It’s really odd to be this excited about a wedding where you don’t even really know the couple, imho. You need to address your lack of social life but that’s not the way to do it, when you consider prioritising this over your actual travel plans with your husband.

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It’s kind of hard to explain why I was excited…it’s not that I don’t have a social life, it’s more like, a reason for me to dress up/make up/hair etc. I don’t really get glammed up the way I used to because I’m quite busy with young kids. And yes I know I can plan nights out etc but it’s not that easy and require planning which I sometimes can’t be bothered for.

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SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 15/11/2024 21:15

I'm not sure you really have been invited. Surely there would be a written invitation by now. It sounds as if your parents want you to be there and perhaps have just assumed it's OK or made a throwaway comment to the hosts which they didn't quite register.
Better prioritise your DC getting to start school on the same day as everyone else, because that is a definite.

Dishwashersaurous · 15/11/2024 21:15

Your mum said that because she is maid of honour, her whole family should be there.

That's very, very, very different from you have been invited to this wedding

It's becoming more and more obvious that you actually haven't been invited. If the lack of an invitation wasn't enough of a clue.

You need to apologise to your husband, and go on holiday

Marblesbackagain · 15/11/2024 21:14

4C04 · 15/11/2024 21:13

I don’t have an official invite.

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No official invite you aren't invited. So you are free to make a decision on the conflicting event.

Catsbreakfast · 15/11/2024 21:13

4C04 · 15/11/2024 18:31

This was my initial thinking, but now I’m starting to realise that not getting an official invite doesn’t really make sense. And he was initially on board to go when I first told him about it. In an ideal world, he would have said “no worries, we can rearrange our travel plans, I know how excited you were about this wedding etc”. But I do understand his pov now.

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It’s really odd to be this excited about a wedding where you don’t even really know the couple, imho. You need to address your lack of social life but that’s not the way to do it, when you consider prioritising this over your actual travel plans with your husband.

Original poster

4C04 · 15/11/2024 21:13

Marblesbackagain · 15/11/2024 21:11

So to be clear you have no invitation?

Then you aren't invited. I am guessing there may have been a conversation and politely your mother may have got the wrong end of the stick.

I don’t have an official invite.

OP posts:

Marblesbackagain · 15/11/2024 21:11

So to be clear you have no invitation?

Then you aren't invited. I am guessing there may have been a conversation and politely your mother may have got the wrong end of the stick.