Conflicted about two events coming up

You and your mum are both a bit flakey.

Your mum has decided her friends would like you at their wedding, but despite you not actually receiving an invitation or any communication from the hosts you've just accepted it as fact.

Tell your mum you've got holiday plans and go away with your husband.

Yabu. I’m with your OH.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a child-friendly wedding or not. Your children haven’t been invited. I am not sure that you or your mum understand the etiquette. You are married, so you must be aware that generally most weddings (at least, more formal weddings) will have specific place settings and table numbers. Where did you/your mum think you were all going to be seated? Going forward with it is best to assume no invitation = not invited.

Nope.

You don't need to ask them, in an official or unofficial capacity. You didn't get an invite. End. Of. Story.

I don't know how your DH manages to deal with your indecisiveness and confusion on a regular basis. This is not a difficult concept to grasp.

To paraphrase the song from Tangled, in respect of your own mum @4C04, "Mother doesn't know best".

With all due respect @4C04 - there is a world of difference between inviting someone to a Birthday meal and inviting someone to a WEDDING!

Wedding guests, even evening reception guests, get an official invitation. Birthday meals can be organised on WhatsApp or by text (still an invitation but much less formal).

You got neither to this Wedding.

How are you finding this so difficult to grasp?

I agree with this. The MoH (your mother OP) extended an invitation to someone else's wedding.

Can you imagine if any other MoH started having their own guest list to a wedding? "Sure Paddy & Anne, Mark & Sarah, John & Mary, you'll squeeze in there no worries. Don't worry about the Bride & Groom having their own invite list and table plan or anything - go right ahead and sit down and we'll cover your food and drinks etc. etc. etc."

Is your mother always extending invites to people to things that she isn't actually footing the bill of? Just because she's MoH it does not give her the right to invite anyone else to a wedding. Even her own family.

You say "Hi Mum, as you didn't tell us the dates of X and Y's wedding, we went ahead and booked a holiday and now they clash. We won't be going with you to the wedding after all. Hope you have a wonderful time at the wedding and take loads of photos for us so we can catch up when we get back".

No biggie. Because you don't appear to have ever turned your mother down for an event or something like this, I can understand why you might be finding it hard to find the words to tell her. Are you worried about her behaviour when you say that you're not going with her?? Is there something underlying your feelings/behaviour in saying that you won't be there this time??

Well exactly. You feel.embarrased at the thought because you expect them to say no. Because you haven't been invited.

I do feel sorry for your husband. This must be incredibly frustrating for him. He must spend half his life incredulous at what you accept from your mum.

But... they went to her house akd they invited her.

They didn't go to your house akd they haven't invited you.

She has been invited by the couple. You haven't.

A birthday meal is a bit different though isn't it?

One extra seat at a rable at a restaurant where people book/pay for their meal at the time isn't quite the same as four uninvited/unexpected people (including two children) just rocking up a wedding with table/seating plans, catering/menus, table decorations, favours and whatever else people plan for at weddings.

A birthday meal at a local pub/restaurant is entirely different to a wedding!

No one is issuing casual invitations to a wedding formal or otherwise. You're either wanted and invited properly. Or you're not.

The only exception I can think of is if you were invited casually and last minute to the evening part. But then, I'd still be expected to be invited by the couple getting married; your mum wouldn't have asked you weeks/months in advance and I certainly wouldn't be cancelling a trip plus a party I had been invited to for a casual evening invite to a wedding that had come via a third party.

Your problem isn't a conflict about two events coming up, you're problem is the conflict you feel between your mum and your husband.

he thinks that I often go along with whatever my mum wants us to do and he wants me to (in my interpretation) grow up a bit and start doing my own things@4C04

Yes to this. You need to start thinking and deciding things for yourself, not swayed or influenced by your mother or DH.

Your whole op is about what your mother says and thinks and what your DH says and thinks, the only indication of you is "in my interpretation"

Like other pp said your DM is probably overbearing, so it's hard to have your own thoughts and opinions.
Start seeing yourself as an individual and question yourself what you want, what you think etc

Dh is completely right

And even if your mum was verbally asked to be maid of honour she was given details about timings and venue etc and then could have given those to you.

Alternatively this could be the most low key wedding ever. In which case your excitement about getting dressed up and a formal event would be completely out if place at a all invited, informal event

I have been invited to a wedding of a friend of my daughter - knew her as she was growing up and latterly at grandkids' birthdays - similarity to your situation.
My daughter told me first so I could save the date, but I later got a proper invite as well.
I think partly invited so my daughter (bridesmaid) had someone there for her son and as she didn't know a lot there that well, but I was very pleased and thought it was lovely of the bride.
It was low key and much diy wedding locally (beautiful as well) but my invite definitely arrived and required an RSVP - for food and seat numbers (no set seating) I imagine and they will always be needed.
I do doubt the couple would be expecting you all there at the party part without an invite- maybe think you're going to just see your mum be bridesmaid (did you say?) at wherever official ceremony is taking place but not actually joining whole wedding if that makes sense.

How can you not understand that you arw not invited to that wedding? 😂😩

And it doesn't have to be a formal card invitation. An email. Even a WhatsApp message.

With the details.

• venue

• whether children are invited. Just because the brides children will be there doesn't mean other children are invited.
• gift list
• a process for rsvp with dietary requirements etc.

Because even if you have actually been invited. You haven't told anyone you can come, because you haven't rsvped and thus they won't know you are coming. Therefore no catering etc

A birthday meal is an entirely different kettle of fish from a wedding. Weddings involve immense organising and cost.

Surely you realised that there would be a proper invitation if you were actually invited

You had transport booked and an invite you'd said yes to in the other city... and you'd sack that off for something you hadn't had an invite to?

I think in the future I'd recommend you actually think things through before saying yes immediately just to keep everyone happy.

Omg.

So not only did you think that you were invited to a wedding that have no evidence that you are going to.

But you assumed that your children were invited to. So at least four people.

And then you were going to pull out of a party that you had actually been invited to, and booked a hotel for, for the non existent invitation.

Surely this is an absolute wind up now