This may end up being one big long rant, so apologies in advance.
I have 2 daughters, 27 and 24. My husband and their dad passed away when the youngest was just a few months old on Boxing Day 2000, very suddenly. That loss has forever tainted Christmas for me.
I sold the house and a long with my parents (only child) moved to a small town in Yorkshire, as a primary school teacher there was no need for me to be living in a city and I felt I could offer my kids more from a smaller cheaper town. I was able to be mortgage free and I dedicated every moment of my life to my girls, I didn't date and with my parents help they did ballet, tennis, piano, hockey you name it. They were my one and only focus for 18 years.
I struck gold and got two wonderfully intelligent, funny and beautiful girls. My eldest went to study medicine at Edinburgh after her gap year, now just started her training to be a GP. My youngest studied Law and French at UCL after her gap year, now just finished her SQE and doing her training contract with a top firm. I couldn't be prouder of them if I tried, putting the academic things aside which while I'm proud of them for it, isn't what defines them. I'm proud of how kind, loving and warm they are as people.
This year I've lost both of my parents, this wasn't unexpected they were both ill and mid-late 80s, but I am devastated. After my girls left home I put all my energy into caring for my parents, avoiding external care which they would have hated as much as possible. I went part-time at work once both girls had finished uni, went to my parents before work, at lunch if I could and after. I loved them so much and losing them has left me feeling so empty. I also lost my closest friend, she was like an aunt to my children and her death was sudden. She had spent every Christmas for the last 20 years with my family.
Now Christmas is almost here, usually this is my favourite time of year. My girls will both be home but not for very long, both arriving the 23rd and leaving boxing day, both bringing their boyfriends. They will arrive late on the 23rd and leave around 9am on the 26th. This will be the first time I've spent the anniversary of my husbands death alone.
I'm trying to get festive but I just can't. I usually do my girls lovely stockings, but I have no motivation to shop. I always love buying and wrapping gifts but I don't want to this year. I don't want to cook a big dinner, or go to church and praise a lord I'm not certain I believe in. I'm half tempted to tell the girls to go ahead and go to their boyfriend's families this year and I'll see them next year when hopefully I will be over this rough patch. It's even impacting my work. I can't get excited about The Nativity or Christmas Party when usually these are some of my favourite things.
AIBU to feel like this? What can I do to get into the spirt when I feel so low?