So much loss this year - I don't want to celebrate Christmas

You’re not being unreasonable. I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t think expecting someone to pass away softens the blow much.

Would you be able to have a frank conversation with your daughters? They might really want to spend that time with you at Christmas even though it’s short. It gets like that when couples have to split holidays between respective parents. Or they might want you to do what makes you feel best given your bereavement.

I would like to tell my experience when I was in a similar position, although no one was available to visit me that Christmas. I decided to ignore the whole thing - no decorations or special food- just carry on like any other weekend. I was fine until Christmas morning when I realised my mistake (too late to do anything about it) and was astonishly upset. It sounds ridiculous, I know. I felt ridiculous at the time but I cried my eyes out.

I strongly recommend you go along with the plans. Your girls won’t be expecting much ho ho ho from you and being with them might make you feel better than you are expecting but being on your own may very well make you feel much worse.

Whatever you decide I hope it goes well for you and that 2025 is a much better year

For a friend, it’s the first Christmas without her DH.
SHE has decided to rent a cottage near her DCs over the festive period and break from their previous ways of doing things.

I see it as a really positive choice and a sign she’s getting on with her new life (not her old life back, that’s impossible).

Im so sorry for your losses.

However bad you’re feeling, I think that having your daughters with you will be more comforting than being away somewhere on your own.

In your position id pick one day this weekend and force myself to do a minimum to make Xmas work.

Order one present per person who will be there on Amazon and then give them all some money as well. If you usually do stockings order the things for them. Order a food shop of lots of picky treat bits to be delivered the day before they arrive. Book to go to a local restaurant or hotel for a Christmas Day meal. Find a local cleaner and book them to come the week before, clean the house and make up beds.

Then don’t think about Christmas again until the week before.

I think that you’re putting pressure on yourself to enjoy it but this year I think that you just need to get through it. I second everyone else’s suggestions of booking yourself a holiday and speaking to the girls about how you’re feeling.

Talk to your DDs and tell them how you feel.

They are probably looking forward to seeing each other as well as you.

Set out an alternative Xmas, get the girls and BFs to cook, or order a take away.

On boxing day do something to remember your DH and others who have passed. It might be a case of getting out old photos and a box of tissues.

I used to work with someone from Mexico and he would do the 'day of the dead' with an alter with photos of people who had passed away and candles. Would something like that help do you think?

This made me cry I am so sorry for your losses.
Perhaps you should let your daughters know how you are feeling? We do all feel that we have to make Christmas for our children but maybe this year they help make it for you.
You sound like a wonderful mother and daughter and your girls are adults now and will know that you must be very sad right now.

@Marciem I am so sorry for your losses. I am also bereaved and dreading Christmas and started a thread seeking advice about what to do.

I saw your thread and wanted to draw your attention to a very beautiful post from @blueskies23
here which really helped me and Ithought may help you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5210292-tragic-situation-can-you-help-me-decide-what-i-should-do-for-christmas?reply=139835312&utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share&utm_source=copylink

This bit particularly but the whole post is beautiful:

The loneliness will be profound anyway because your person is missing. Being in an unfamilar place makes it worse. Home is a comfort at times like this. Single meet ups etc are for when you have healed a little and have the energy to look outwards. It's lonely to be the only one grieving in the room. Stay at home, buy in a few treats, maybe have some tv/films lined up to view. Wear comfy clothes, be warm, sleep.

I hope we both get through it. Love to you. You do have you daughters. Please do focus on that even what they are doing this year isn't a comfort to you. It may help you to know that I envy you that so deeply because I have no one at all.

That's a LOT of identifying detail in your OP, especially for a teacher. Would you be worried/concerned about being identified by school mums/other staff in real life?

(I full understand OP may have changed details, if so fine. I just got the feel from her post it was all true).

Maybe go to a pub or hotel for Xmas day lunch. I would try my best to have my daughters at home. You will end up feeling even worse on your own.

This must have been a year from hell for you, and I’m so sorry to hear of all your losses. It is not surprising at all that you can’t connect with the festive spirit, I would be surprised if you could to be honest. I lost a dearly loved younger relative 3 years ago shortly before Christmas and while day to day life goes on because it has to, and even provides a sort of distraction, managing a time of year when the day to day stops and you’re supposed to be having a lovely time can feel overwhelming. There is also the resonance of losing your husband on Boxing Day. It is a very big thing to face that day on your own for the first time, when you have only just lost your beloved parents, and the thing that stood out is that everyone is leaving first thing in the morning on Boxing Day.

If you tell your daughters not to come, though, I would be concerned that you might feel terribly bleak, unless you really feel there’s something else that you would actually like to do. Unless you are really longing for some time on your own, just being alone at home doesn’t sound good. Would it be possible to talk to your daughters, I know you wouldn’t want to burden them, but tell them you feel very sad from the loss of your parents, and perhaps discuss how you could do Christmas this year in a way that feels easier?

It's a great pity that your children can't be with you longer than only two full days when they know you've lost both your parents this year.

Just keep Christmas low-key and arrange to meet friends for coffees, walks etc. before and after your kids' visit. I wonder if the dark nights are getting you down too. Try to get out and get some exercise.

I've lost both my parents and gone through some really hard times. What I found works is keeping busy. Use this time to have a clear-out, do some baking, rearrange the furniture. It will keep your mind and hands occupied, and give you some satisfaction at the result.

Would you like your girls to be with you on Boxing Day? Perhaps you could ask if they could stay an extra day (without the boyfriends maybe?) if that would be possible with their work, travel experience etc.

Your daughters are adults now, tell them how you feel and let them look after you a bit this year. Arrange a group video chat now, tell them you’re feeling a bit flat and ask them if you can all plan a cosy low key xmas together.

I lost my DH last year. I kept Christmas, last year, to a minimum. I just did what I was up to doing. And ploughed through it. 🤷‍♀️

This year, I’m feeling slightly more on the up.

Just do what you are comfortable and happy doing. Condolences on your loss.💐

If you read my full post (which I doubt), I didn't say that she had to do anything. I did also mention that restaurants get booked up (though ours still has a few spaces, some do).

I also mentioned that it is fine to not want to do anything, just have a chat with her daughters.

Like many people on here who have gone through this, I am just listing options which can be considered. Nobody HAS to do anything. I did say that is fine too.

Yanbu, my mum died in November last year and I couldn't face it so we went abroad for Xmas. Do whatever you feel you need to. Raise it with your daughters and see how they feel about the idea of going to their boyfriends, be honest, they will understand I'm sure. I'm so sorry for your losses.

I think you should tell your girls you don't feel up to hosting this year and would want them to have a lovely time with their boyfriend's family and suggest a New Year's Day meal or something. Don't push yourself to do something you don't want to, it sounds like it is time to look after yourself.

I would find an early flight on Boxing Day and do something completely self indulgent. A few days in the sun, visit a city you’ve always wanted to go to…

When you say going out for dinner, it's abit late now, they get booked up.
Also why does she have to have an Xmas dinner, cook what you like and much cheaper also than being ripped off....
Again more pressure thinking you have to make an Xmas dinner.

Do what you like OP. You will feel so much more liberated.
This Christmas pressure, year in year out is a joke.

I’m so sorry for all of your losses.

It seems you have spent 24 years carrying the load. Gladly and willingly but nonetheless you have been the glue that held everything together.

Now it is your turn to put down your ‘responsibilities’ to make Christmas magic and explain very honestly to your lovely daughters that you are struggling and sad and how can they now support you?

Asking for help is a strength.

Very best wishes to you from someone else who has had a bereavement and isn’t feeling it this year.

So sorry to read this. You sound absolutely amazing, very resilient and a wonderful mum. Can you do something totally different, like have a Christmas city break in a hotel. I think a change of routine would be good. Or maybe instead of Christmas dinner a day of party food.

You don't need to get into the spirit, it's not compulsory, so do what you want.
It's only brainwashing from birth that makes you think you must celebrate the annual bore that is Xmas.

I am very sorry for your recent losses. It really isn't surprising that you are struggling to feel Christmassy this year. It is so hard once the loved ones we spent Christmas with or at least had contact with have passed away. It leaves you wondering what next, and what to do instead, if anything.

Speak to your lovely daughters. Tell them how you are feeling and why, although of course you are looking forward to seeing them and having them around, you are struggling right now. They are probably concerned about how you are coping and what to do about it so might be open to discussion.

Consider how things could be done differently so as to take some of the pressure and expectation off you.

Look at options for going out for Christmas Dinner so that nobody has to cook. Maybe some good local restaurants or pubs might still have space but you might have to get in quickly as they do book up. If affording it could be an issue then perhaps everyone can chip in some. We always go out for Christmas Dinner (one of not many meals out during the year). I always tell my DH and now adult DDs when they start asking what to get for me that Christmas Dinner out with any of them who want to be there is all I want for Christmas really.

Look into booking a break away for yourself departing soon after your DDs have as it could give you something to look forward to rather than being on your own if you don't want to be.? Would that help?

If, on the other hand, you would prefer time on your own after or even during Christmas hithen don't feel guilty. Get some good books to read, consider some films or TV series you have missed out on watching because of your commitments up to now and promise yourself some of those, along with some nice, snacky comfort food to eat during them.

There are options. Some people even decide to spend Christmas alone and not celebrate at all, which is fine but isn't for everyone. You and your DDs need to have a chat soon to see what will work best.

It sounds like you've had a very fulfilling and active life so far, and I think the idea of sitting around once the girls have gone isn't you.

I'm sure you'll get lots of advice telling you to take time for yourself and so on, but I'd personally go in the other direction - what can you do to make other people's Christmases a bit better that will take your mind off things and give you a distraction and purpose? Maybe you could get involved with a charity, a winter soup kitchen, some kind of volunteering or transporting people who don't have transport before and after Christmas when you don't have visitors. Food banks especially struggle in January after all the Christmas spirit has left. Or there are lots of non-Christmassy things you could donate your time to. My mum wasn't a very people-person, but when she was in a similar situation she did some crafts and such to donate to charity shops to sell.

The other thing that I have seen & heard is people say

" I am not celebrating Xmas" !
( relative said this to me for several years, which I found hard)

However, this is very unfair on other people that wish to celebrate Xmas & who do not feel the same way

Absolutely reasonable. I lost my mum this year and I’m dreading Christmas. I’ve flights booked for Boxing Day and it’s helping get me through. I’d be gone the weekend before but the kids really want to home for Santa coming.