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Original poster

Being kind

35 replies

Flute56 · 15/11/2024 07:58

Someone was recently very kind to me for a few days and I want to show my gratitude by repaying kindness back and I have suggested that to themn but they said it's not necessary I feel bad is there anything I can do to persuade them to change their minds. I was in a situation once where I didn't show enough gratitude and the person complained so this time I want to do the right thing but this person won't let me and he advice

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Original poster
Flute56 · 16/11/2024 17:31

FierceQuiet · 15/11/2024 16:33

Oh, I've just remembered you, @Flute56 -- you're the poster whom I remember from long, argumentative and strangely-worded posts about holidays in Australia where you seemed to hate everything, including your travelling companion, and getting outraged about Adelaide being boring and the cabin crew on Qantas not being Australian and all the passengers being white.

And blocking a friend of 40 years on WhatsApp -- in fact, that's what jogged my memory, your spelling of it as 'wassap'.

And didn't you post recently about a friend you were seeing on holiday who insisted on paying for everything, and your other friend said it was because she was gay and fancied you, and you ended up falling out with her?

Honestly, OP, your posts suggest you have real difficulty reading others and being around other people. Just send this person something you think they would like. They don't need to give you permission.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes. I now talk to the friend i blocked and she still thinks the woman who wanted to do a lot for me is gay and i said to her no shes just friendly and she said no she is gay because she told you your hair was nice and touched it and didnt ask permission and a woman doesnt do that unless they are gay. Straight women say do you mind if i feel your hair but she just did it.

OP posts:
OAPapparently · 15/11/2024 18:21

Flute56 · 15/11/2024 13:48

I play the piano so i thought i would video myself playing a nice tune and sent it via wassap

Ok, I’m out.
This can’t be real 😂.

SmolTrashPanda · 15/11/2024 18:01

Flute56 · 15/11/2024 13:48

I play the piano so i thought i would video myself playing a nice tune and sent it via wassap

Haha, give over. You're pulling our collective leg, aren't you?

FierceQuiet · 15/11/2024 16:33

Flute56 · 15/11/2024 13:48

I play the piano so i thought i would video myself playing a nice tune and sent it via wassap

Oh, I've just remembered you, @Flute56 -- you're the poster whom I remember from long, argumentative and strangely-worded posts about holidays in Australia where you seemed to hate everything, including your travelling companion, and getting outraged about Adelaide being boring and the cabin crew on Qantas not being Australian and all the passengers being white.

And blocking a friend of 40 years on WhatsApp -- in fact, that's what jogged my memory, your spelling of it as 'wassap'.

And didn't you post recently about a friend you were seeing on holiday who insisted on paying for everything, and your other friend said it was because she was gay and fancied you, and you ended up falling out with her?

Honestly, OP, your posts suggest you have real difficulty reading others and being around other people. Just send this person something you think they would like. They don't need to give you permission.

JustinThyme · 15/11/2024 14:28

Verite1 · 15/11/2024 14:22

That's not a gift!

Show quote history

Agreed, that’s not a gift. That’s an invitation for applause.

Verite1 · 15/11/2024 14:22

Flute56 · 15/11/2024 13:48

I play the piano so i thought i would video myself playing a nice tune and sent it via wassap

That's not a gift!

Verite1 · 15/11/2024 14:22

But if anyone had asked if they could have sent me something, I would of course have said no. Doesn't mean I wasn't delighted to receive it.

Verite1 · 15/11/2024 14:21

As with others, I wouldn't ask. When I have done something "kind" in the past, I have received flowers, a case of good wine, a bottle of gin. All appreciated. When I have wanted to show my gratitude, I have sent champagne, a hamper of fancy cheese, biscuits and wine etc, a plant/indoor tree. I am sure anything like that would be fine - its just a gesture to show appreciation really.

Notreat · 15/11/2024 14:14

SmolTrashPanda · 15/11/2024 08:14

If someone asked me whether they could return a kindness I'd shown them I'd say no because I would've done it with no expectation. However, if they took it upon themselves to send me something, I'd be delighted. Unless you know they'd be upset for whatever reason, just do it. They'll most likely be made up.

I agree with this.
Any small token would be appreciated.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 15/11/2024 14:10

OP, you've already bought them a meal and they said that's enough.

Listen to them and forget about playing the piano for them, or giving them a tour of your home town.

It's overkill.

JohnBinary · 15/11/2024 13:52

Flute56 · 15/11/2024 13:48

I play the piano so i thought i would video myself playing a nice tune and sent it via wassap

WhatsApp, you mean? I don't really think that's a gift.

It's too vague to say "I want to return your kindness". Just choose something that will improve their day and do it. Send flowers or a cake like a previous poster said, or treat them to a meal out or a massage voucher or something.

Original poster
Flute56 · 15/11/2024 13:48

I play the piano so i thought i would video myself playing a nice tune and sent it via wassap

OP posts:
FierceQuiet · 15/11/2024 11:28

Honestly, I think this is on you. If you want to send the person who was kind a gift you think they would like, send it. Don't ask them what you can do to repay them. Most people will say 'Oh, no need.' But there's no objective criterion for 'how much you need to do to show appropriate amounts of gratitude'.

Original poster
Flute56 · 15/11/2024 11:28

SensibleSigma · 15/11/2024 11:25

Did you offer petrol money?

The thing is it’s very context dependent.

With the people you stayed with for 3 weeks, they may have seen the dog walk and cleaning as normal ‘pulling your weight’ when you live somewhere rather than as thanks for letting you stay. To be honest, they don’t sound very nice so I wouldn’t use them as a bench mark for how to behave with other people.

While saying thank you is important, and being kind and thoughtful in return, you can’t actually ’pay off’ kindness- it’s more about relationship than transaction.

You remember their kindness and look out for the opportunity to help them, regardless of having bought them flowers.

Show quote history

I did offer petrol money but she said no

OP posts:
SensibleSigma · 15/11/2024 11:25

Flute56 · 15/11/2024 09:50

They took me out in their car several times driving long distances and bought me a few meals and drinks so thats why i dont thinÄ· one meal in return is enough

Did you offer petrol money?

The thing is it’s very context dependent.

With the people you stayed with for 3 weeks, they may have seen the dog walk and cleaning as normal ‘pulling your weight’ when you live somewhere rather than as thanks for letting you stay. To be honest, they don’t sound very nice so I wouldn’t use them as a bench mark for how to behave with other people.

While saying thank you is important, and being kind and thoughtful in return, you can’t actually ’pay off’ kindness- it’s more about relationship than transaction.

You remember their kindness and look out for the opportunity to help them, regardless of having bought them flowers.

OAPapparently · 15/11/2024 10:00

Flute56 · 15/11/2024 08:53

When I went to stay with a relative a few years ago I thanked them by buying them a couple of feels and clean their house and taking the dog for a daily walk I'm taking their daughter to school and they said to me that that wasn't good enough I should have done a lot more and then when my visit to them was over they said they didn't want to hear from me again and we haven't spoken since because they thought I was too selfish. I even gave them flowers and they thought the flowers should have been better and bigger

Edited

To be honest the people you are speaking about here don’t seem very nice people.
When people are doing something out of kindness they don’t generally expect anything in return, and if they do receive something they are pleased. These people sound ungrateful.

The new person who has shown you kindness is a different person. The meal you have bought then probably is genuinely enough. You are encountering a normal person with a normal reaction.

Try not to overthink it based on one past bad experience.

Mummyratbag · 15/11/2024 09:59

You're are contradicting yourself! In one post asking isn't a meal a thank you and then saying it isn't? You have offered a stay with you and that has been turned down. I would sent a heartfelt thank you card and whatever gift you can afford.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 15/11/2024 09:54

But everyone's different.

If they're saying the meal was enough, you might have to trust them on that.

Original poster
Flute56 · 15/11/2024 09:50

They took me out in their car several times driving long distances and bought me a few meals and drinks so thats why i dont thinÄ· one meal in return is enough

OP posts:
Mummyratbag · 15/11/2024 09:07

Flute56 · 15/11/2024 09:03

Yes I could send a thank you gift but it wasn't the dinner that I bought them a thank you gift

Show quote history

Yes I would say so, but you seem worried it isn't enough.

Wakeywake · 15/11/2024 09:04

Flute56 · 15/11/2024 08:53

When I went to stay with a relative a few years ago I thanked them by buying them a couple of feels and clean their house and taking the dog for a daily walk I'm taking their daughter to school and they said to me that that wasn't good enough I should have done a lot more and then when my visit to them was over they said they didn't want to hear from me again and we haven't spoken since because they thought I was too selfish. I even gave them flowers and they thought the flowers should have been better and bigger

Edited

Well, if they housed and fed you for free for a year and you bought them a couple of meals, took their dog for a walk, bought them a £1 bunch of daffodils from Asda and then dropped them, they've got a point.

If you stayed with them on holiday for a week, they are weird.

Back to your current situation, depending on how big of a favour they did you, flowers, chocolates, theatre tickets, special prepaid dinner/afternoon tea, spa booking are all appropriate.

Original poster
Flute56 · 15/11/2024 09:03

Mummyratbag · 15/11/2024 08:57

Are the situations comparable? Did the relative expect money/rent? Are they just unpleasant ? The second situation the person has said you don't need to do anything and that you have already bought them a meal. Are they out of pocket? Would you be in a position to send a thank you gift?

Yes I could send a thank you gift but it wasn't the dinner that I bought them a thank you gift

OP posts:
Original poster
Flute56 · 15/11/2024 09:01

Shinyandnew1 · 15/11/2024 08:56

I thanked them by buying them a couple of feels

Sorry, that made me chuckle!

Was there a backstory there? How long did you stay?

3 weeks

OP posts:
Mummyratbag · 15/11/2024 08:57

Are the situations comparable? Did the relative expect money/rent? Are they just unpleasant ? The second situation the person has said you don't need to do anything and that you have already bought them a meal. Are they out of pocket? Would you be in a position to send a thank you gift?

Shinyandnew1 · 15/11/2024 08:56

I thanked them by buying them a couple of feels

Sorry, that made me chuckle!

Was there a backstory there? How long did you stay?