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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think the less you do the less you cope?

228 replies

Breezyyi · 15/11/2024 07:52

Maybe I’m being unkind. But I am at my wits end with my sister. She’s a few years older in her early thirties . We both have one child and she is pregnant with her second. Her first now 3.5 has been in nursery every day, she collects at 3pm and then takes her to my parents for her dinner. She does one bedtime a week and parter does all others as she feels she can’t as she is 26 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t work and hasn’t since first was born.

In contrast, my husband works away a lot. I work full time. I obviously have to do everything for dd. All get ups, nursery runs, dinners, bedtimes etc. my parents would step in if I needed but my sibling seems to need it so much more than I tend to just do my own thing!

AIBU to think this isn’t the fact she can’t cope but more that she’s used to not coping and has made things harder for herself by not getting on with it? I don’t know… I realise I am being judgemental but the mind boggles as to how you can do so little parenting, not work and need huge support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breezyyi · 15/11/2024 08:04

Catza · 15/11/2024 08:01

Do you enjoy being a martyr? Perhaps, she doesn’t. We have a big family and, honestly, I don’t think anyone did much lone parenting. I spent a lot of time as a child with my grandparents, great aunt and my aunt. When my cousins were born, they similarly travelled between houses and I did nursery pick ups for my cousins as a teenager. My cousin is an adult now and they are expecting their first child in Summer and, I imagine there will be plenty of “village” upbringing still. It’s a wonderful way to grow up if the opportunity is there.
It’s also wonderful that the dad does so much for the kids. Most men don’t. My partner has a child from a previous relationship and he was effectively a single dad for the first year of her life due to his ex having PND. Their bond is amazing and he is still there at the drop of a hat to do school pick ups and GP appointments even though she lives 75 miles away. Whats wrong with that?
You don’t have to do everything alone. You chose to and that’s a legitimate choice to make. It is also OK to make other choices. And well done to your sister for refusing to single-handedly carry the parenting load.

@Catza I suppose if I was to leave dd with parents after nursery I would feel I didn’t see her much. They’d happily have her. I don’t think I would want to miss that, but you’re right it perhaps does make me a martyr! I don’t blame my sister for asking for support but I do think it means her resilience is less … the days my parents aren’t around or nursery is closed she really struggles as it’s such a one off.

OP posts:
SlightlyGoneOff · 15/11/2024 08:01

Well, she sounds helpless, yes, but different people have entirely different capacities. Plus, if she’s pregnant, maybe she feels ghastly? I only have one child, so no idea how I’d have dealt with being as morning sick and SPD-ish as in my first pregnancy, but with a pre-schooler.

Catza · 15/11/2024 08:01

Do you enjoy being a martyr? Perhaps, she doesn’t. We have a big family and, honestly, I don’t think anyone did much lone parenting. I spent a lot of time as a child with my grandparents, great aunt and my aunt. When my cousins were born, they similarly travelled between houses and I did nursery pick ups for my cousins as a teenager. My cousin is an adult now and they are expecting their first child in Summer and, I imagine there will be plenty of “village” upbringing still. It’s a wonderful way to grow up if the opportunity is there.
It’s also wonderful that the dad does so much for the kids. Most men don’t. My partner has a child from a previous relationship and he was effectively a single dad for the first year of her life due to his ex having PND. Their bond is amazing and he is still there at the drop of a hat to do school pick ups and GP appointments even though she lives 75 miles away. Whats wrong with that?
You don’t have to do everything alone. You chose to and that’s a legitimate choice to make. It is also OK to make other choices. And well done to your sister for refusing to single-handedly carry the parenting load.

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