Emotionally unsupportive husband

Men are from Mars. If we want them to do what we need, we have to say so. He asked if you wanted him home, and you should have said yes.

Pls don't be cranky with your DH but do say you expected him to make the right choice and he didn't so you're disappointed esp given how upset you were. Dont make it an argument because he will say that he asked you. Just keep it to, you should do the right thing, if he'd been upset you'd have cancelled your social for him. Make him think and stand in your shoes. But next time you need him to do abc, just say you need abc, dont think he'll work it out.

I'm so sorry you had an awful exp with your parents. It's horrible that as adults, what they do still really affects us. Rationalise what happened and put the exp away.

Sending a hug x

Sorry it was a tough day op

I think I'd focus on verbalising what you want. Tell him what you need from him

Nor me - I’d be better on my own if I couldn’t stop crying anyway. But, he did offer to come home,nod I’m not sure what more he should have done. 🤷‍♀️

I mean the alternative is being single (I don't have a relationship with parents either because of situations like you describe). Not going to lie, it's lonely! But I never disappoint myself.

Don't expect people to do what you think they should do , you will always be disappointed. Some good advice on here , hope you resolve things and feel better. x

Oh I remember that feeling from when I was married! All his stuff was a priority over me. If I had replied 'yes' he'd have come home but sulkily and it would've gone on his list - he kept score!

I think I would feel quite manipulated if my offer to come home was declined, but my partner then got upset because I didn't come home anyway.

Your DH sounds like a good egg and actually quite supportive from what you've said - he checked up on you several times and offered to cancel his plans this be with you - the fact that you chose not to take him up on that is on you, not him.

Op without wanting to sound curt, would it not have been better for your mental health to just end the telephone conversation? I know it's too late now but I'd say maybe learn from this experience if it's going to cause you that level of emotion. Crying all day and night is not normal after a conversation of any kind. Just hang up next time you are in this situation.

I feel like I get you from what you have written as I have had similar situation with my own mother and I can feel your utter pain through your words. When we get so let down by our own parents the people who should love you the most and never want to hurt you it leads you to crave the love and care from the next person in line your partner and you didn’t get that. You need a hug sweetheart.
Your anger here should be directed at your parents and then a conversation to be had with your husband when you are calmer about how you really needed him to be there for you at that time as it sounds like he just hasn’t realised you needed him.
sending you a hated mumsnet hug as I feel the hurt in every word you write.

The thing is, there is no correct response.

Everyone reacts to situations differently.

If he dropped everything and rushed round to you, it's possible that you may complain that he was suffocating you and you wanted to be left alone.

He asked what you wanted which I think is fair enough

My DP is not emotional. Or as he puts it does emotions. When my mum died suddenly I could see he did t know what to do. He asked if I wanted him to come round. I says yes. He drive me down next day. He was silent but gave me hugs.

when we came back I felt he abandoned me. he went away on a planned trip for a few days.

he had an event and he did say he would cancel. I said only if you want to. He didn’t and I felt abandoned again.

I spoke to him and he said he was upset for me but he doesn’t do emotions. He will practically help me. Give me a hug and do as I ask. But the key is ask as his style is to ignore. He has learned to ask what do I need from him. My take away was he doesn’t know and it’s not natural to him and his default is to carry on

It's not that you're not allowed to be upset. It's that you had a pretty extreme reaction to a conversation, and to that upset. Your partner was bewildered most likely at your reaction and didn't know whether to come home or not, so he asked for clarification from you. You told him not to, or at least didn't say yes, and now your blaming him for your inability (or lack of desire?) to communicate. He can only take you at your word.

He probably didn't want to automatically come home, because he was having a good time (and wasnt sure you needed it). And that's OK. That's fine. Hes allowed to want to have a good time, even if youre upset. He would have come home if you told him you needed it, and that's love. That's care.

Him being able to successfully read your mind won't make up for whatever happened. Maybe you're angry at someone else, or upset at someone else, and just directing it to your partner because he's the one who is here now?

Maybe your partner isnt the one who is responsible for letting your heart down? But, again, he's the one closest by and so he's the one that gets blamed when he reacts normally.

Try and put the blame on whoever is truly at fault, whoever is truly the reason for your reaction today.

Consider trauma therapy if you're having reactions like this to the conversations. I'm on the waiting list for it myself. I also need to learn how to avoid the horrible parent and horrible conversations, lol.

So normally you cope well and solve your own problems, this is your norm and what DH expects. Yesterday you weren't coping but didn't effectively communicate this. You told him you were having a bad day but didn't tell him to come home. He drew on his experience of you as a coper and assumed you were just sounding off. I don't think he's in the wrong as you didn't effectively communicate your needs. Without knowing the nature of the conversation it all sounds incredibly emotional and dramatic and not at all the reaction of a coper so if he knew the content of the conversation and it was huger than huge then maybe he was unreasonable, there's not enough information to really judge. The moral of the story is to clearly communicate your needs.

Regardless of what the conversation was about, you have a husband who offered to come home from work because you were upset. I would think most OHs wouldn't even offer that. A lot wouldn't even cross their minds to offer. And you said no!! If you stop expecting perfection then you will hopefully be able to see he's doing a pretty damn good job of emotionally supporting you. You could have said yes and had more support when he got back but you chose not too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're most welcome. I've been the person thinking "Why the hell haven't you noticed I'm so upset" too. It's only when sitting down and talking about it, that I've come to understand that some times they just don't know it. Still think that they are a bit bloody blind 😂😂, but at least you learn that it's not a lack of love but a lack of perception.

Everything looks better when you aren't tired and your eyes are dry. It's really difficult holding back very strong emotions and keeping the family running, so definitely try to get some you time to do something you find comforting.