Emotionally unsupportive husband

I once had to explain to DH that when I'm.upset and go to the bedroom to cry, I want him to at least come and check on me. He said he assumed that I would want space. No, if I'm sobbing I need a hug. Or at least check if I need one. You really do need to spell it out to them sometimes.

Same applies to women from a man's perspective, IMHO. Why should men be "socialised out of" their wiring, whatever that means? Who decided that it's women who are wired correctly?

I think also ideally I need to make a few logical decisions when he is emotional. Honestly sometimes they only hear when they feel. But I probably won't- wouldn't want to be mean.

It’s not being “mean”. You can be a martyr about this and continue to have a one sided emotional support situation where you give and he takes, and is nowhere to be seen in your time of need or you can stand up for yourself. The choice is yours.

I really wish women weren’t conditioned to be such people pleasers especially where men are concerned.

FWIW I think men not providing emotional support shouldn’t be normalised. Most of my friends have good emotional support form their husbands - they married good uns! But generally speaking women probably do need to be a bit more explicit about asking for what they need but if the man still doesn’t give you that support after you voice it, then there’s an issue!

I actually had a friend who contributed a lot towards my burnout because her male partner gave her no emotional support so she relied too heavily on a small circle of friends to get through a lot of trauma. That “small circle” consisted mainly of me me lol despite the fact I was struggling myself with my own issues, while her partner was merrily playing computer games.

I had to tell her one day (actually a few times I told her) the man who is her soulmate and father of her children, the man she prioritises over any other adult - should be able to be there for her a lot more.

Too many women let the men (who they centre in their lives) off the hook and then rely too much on other women’s emotional labour imo to fill in the gap.

I no longer allow myself to be used to compensate for women sticking with inadequate men.

My therapist told me you can’t expect to get all your needs met by one person. My husband is dreadful at emotional support. But good at practical support. He’s a fixer. Parents are the same. Utterly emotionally devoid. But if I need something doing they will be there.
My emotional support comes from my friends. They are my go to people to pick me up and support me emotionally.
Perhaps you’re looking in the wrong place for that kind of support?

Men are wired differently and can't/won't be socialised out of it without a massive struggle, if ever, IMHO.

Sounds like you've sorted it between you OP. If he had said I'm coming home, see you soon... What would you have said?

I would appreciate an answer like that if I'd been in your shoes. Then he wasn't expecting you to decide. In your vulnerable, upset state, which you've said was very unusual. He would recognise you needed him and just act on it. Not throw it back to you.

I agree with some of the other posters too, some good advice on the thread. Just throwing my two cents in.

It sounds like you both have been able to understand each other and explain your thoughts to him well. We might seem super human to our partners, but everyone has their limits. People do deal with things differently and what some find supportive, others may find overwhelming. By communicating how you feel and hearing his thoughts, you are building an even stronger bond. Next time he's going to be better placed to know what you need from him.

I'm glad you are feeling better today and more like yourself. Do make sure that you don't get stuck in the day to day of providing for everyone else and not yourself. It might help to be able to talk to someone who is trustworthy, a very close friend or a therapist. Such momentus news can really knock you for six.

I'm not going to judge on whether your reaction was ott or not, as only you know the content of the conversation - it may be it was proportionate.

However I will echo the advice given, that expecting someone else to match exactly to your emotional needs but not talking to them about this, is more likely to result in disappointment than not.

You need to communicate with your partner. If he offers to come home, and that's what you want then say yes. Don't say no but secretly hope that he'll twig that you don't mean it.

Likewise don't always assume that your way of being supportive is what everyone else wants - people are different.

It's difficult to know the answer when we have no idea what you were actually dealing with.

But on the face of it, you declined a call with him so you weren't communicating properly with each other. So on the face of it, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt in being able to assess your needs properly.

How often does he go out for work drinks? Was this a weekly thing or a special event?

I think something bigger must be going on in your marriage and a longer term problem of you not having your needs met for this incident to have upset you so much (the DH incident, not the incident with your parent).

I can see him being out late and not checking in being hurtful. However, him asking how you are and even suggesting he come home is emotionally supportive. He may not be checking in and staying out because you have shot down his other attempts.

As always only you can know. If dh asks me do I need him home, he's asking because he knows I'm best placed to know the support I need. If I say yes and he comes home he won't sulk, he'll do it in the spirit of support.

If your dh only gives a fake offer and does it to tick a box, and would sulk and not offer support if he had to come home that's a different situation.

Similarly I know ask dh how he'd like to be supported instead of ploughing ahead because sometimes my "support" wasn't what he needed and he was trying to humour me and deal with things at the same time. So we're trying better to meet each other at our own level.

How very lucky you must be to have had a good relationship with your parents. If you have no understanding of toxic families (I've been in therapy for years because of my mother and have in fact, attempted suicide due to her behaviour), then best say nothing.

It is a 'real problem' for some people

I guess it’s all down to living in a patriarchal society where mens needs are more important?!

You are very lucky not to have a toxic parent, or any understanding of just how real a problem it can be.

OP, I’m so sorry. I know what it’s like to have to deal with parents like this and it can cause huge amounts of grief and trauma.

For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want your husband to recognise that in a situation where you’re in unusual distress he should try to be there. He may need it really spelled out to him if he’s just not understanding the kind of support you need.

I hope you’re ok x

I’m actually on your side here. So many men get our emotional support without giving it back in return. I never felt supported emotionally by my ex husband even though I was expected to support him whenever something was upsetting him. It’s so unfair. Men think they are more important than we are obviously.

It's great that no one has to ask you, but I'm much more in favour of asking and being asked what kind of support you can provide. What you assume someone wants isn't necessarily what they do want.

The problem is that people are who they are and we can’t expect them to change how they are inside and what they are emotionally capable of.
Your husband sounds like he tries to help and offered to come home which suggests that he cares and wants to be there for you but he isn’t responsible for your emotions, all he can do is be there for you in his own best way.

I hope you’re having a much better day today.

I'm glad someone said it because "testing" your partners based on how telepathically they understand your emotions is a deeply manipulative behaviour. "I just want you to read my mind" is an unreasonable thing to ask.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to even offer to come home from a gig I'd bought tickets for (so not just casual drinks) based on DP being upset over a phone call. If he asked me to I would, though. It's not a situation that automatically requires company. After some of the worst phone calls I've had, I've mostly wanted to be left alone to process them by myself.

But that's by the by. He offered to come home, you didn't say yes because you were testing how telepathic he was. That's not something I'd put up with in my partner.

Is this something you struggle with generally? Regulating emotions and things like that? Because I can’t see why a conversation with your parents would necessitate a day off work and a whole day of crying. It seems extreme. The fact that he offered to come home shows he does care but really why should he have to? It would be different if you’d just found out you or a close family member had been diagnosed with a terminal illness or something but it doesn’t even sound like you like your parents that much.

What's the point of being married then, particularly if you have made that commitment and you are a 'husband' or a 'wife', surely emotional support is an expectation in a marriage.