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AIBU?

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Original poster

…to TTC?

61 replies

TeaAndOrangesThatComeAllTheWayFrom · 14/11/2024 21:37

I have a boyfriend, but we don’t live together. I was in a very long term relationship for many years, and split up messily with my ex a couple of years ago. I told myself I wouldn’t want to cohabit with a romantic partner again. So far, I am enjoying living on my own a lot, although my boyfriend does spend a lot of time here, and I do also enjoy it (mainly) when he’s here too.

I own my own 2-bed flat. I have a pretty big mortgage. With some reconfiguration, there would be space for another adult and baby to move in.

I’m 34. I suppose…I want to TTC because I want to have a baby, I think my boyfriend would be a good dad, and I think we’d have an equal partnership. To be honest, I’d also like to have time off work to shift focus a bit, and refresh my perspective. I feel like life is trudging along and days are slipping away.

Things holding me back: my boyfriend is great, but I don’t know if we’re ‘soulmates’. I do like living on my own…but I also really want to have a child, so I know I can’t have it both ways.

Has anyone else been in a situation where they’ve actively TTCd with a partner they weren’t currently living in? If we had a baby, he would move in for financial/ practical reasons, but we’d stay living apart if not.

Any advice or insights welcome 🙏

OP posts:
Penguinmouse · 14/11/2024 22:16

I think it would be fairly selfish to raise a child together without living together when you’re in a relationship. A baby isn’t a toy. Plus a huge waste of money to have separate places. It’s hard work and if your boyfriend wasn’t living with you, a huge amount of that would fall to you outside of him visiting.

Hello12345678910 · 14/11/2024 22:12

I hated being a pregnant and and not too keen on being a mother to babies either (so much easier once they hit 18monthish imo)

Sleepless nights are hard. Regressions are hard. My 4 month old WILL NOT be put down, my arms ache. I desperately need my partner at home to take over holding my small one and give me breathing space from my others.

I love my children more than anything in the world but couldn't do it without their dad. (I know plenty of mothers do it singly - don't come at me. I take my hat off too them, absolute superwomen!!)

BabyMama889 · 14/11/2024 22:06

@TeaAndOrangesThatComeAllTheWayFrom what?

Original poster
TeaAndOrangesThatComeAllTheWayFrom · 14/11/2024 22:04

@BabyMama889 would you say you would describe yourself as a tradwife?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaAndOrangesThatComeAllTheWayFrom · 14/11/2024 22:03

@BabyMama889 He is very supportive, and would move in during the newborn phase if I wanted it. I’m just not sure I want to cohabit long term.

OP posts:
BabyMama889 · 14/11/2024 22:00

Pregnancy can be really HARD and having a supportive partner can make the difference between (i) a horrifically lonely time vs (ii) a hard but very very happy time. Madness.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 14/11/2024 22:00

The only two reasons you give for creating a new human is that you're a bit bored and you want some time off work. That would be bad enough but you're also someone who likes your own space.

Nothing about this says yes, have a baby.

BabyMama889 · 14/11/2024 21:57

So naive.

Pregnancy would be lonely and shit.

Maternity leave is absolutely not time off work. I'm 3 months in and trust me it's incredibly hard and it's not all coffee mornings and yoga. It's sheer sleep deprivation and a huge amount of responsibility.

Conceiving can take a lot of sex and time. Not sure how you can do that if you don't even live together.

Caring for a newborn alone would be horrific. And I have a much easier baby than most of the babies in my mummy group!

Depriving a child of his father and a stable home intentionally by conceiving with someone who is not 100% on board is morally wrong.

Original poster
TeaAndOrangesThatComeAllTheWayFrom · 14/11/2024 21:56

@Enchente why madness? Which aspect?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaAndOrangesThatComeAllTheWayFrom · 14/11/2024 21:56

Yes, I have talked to my boyfriend a lot about it, and he’s up for TTC if and when I’m ready.

OP posts:
Enchente · 14/11/2024 21:52

Madness.

Have you had any of this conversation with your BF? What does he say? Because otherwise it sounds like a dreamy internal monologue.

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