…to TTC?

I think first you should remove any notion that maternity leave is a chance for any kind of break or refocus. I was fighting for my life for most of mine and absolutely didn’t have the headspace for any kind of career planning. You cannot begin to imagine how all-consuming caring for a baby is until you do it.

I have to say it doesn’t necessarily sound from what you’ve said like your relationship is especially committed or stable. I understand you mostly like having your boyfriend around and that he’s supportive, but that doesn’t sound like the glue you need for parenthood. If you don’t want to live with him when you don’t have a baby, what’s going to make cohabitation suddenly ok when you’re sleep deprived, have absolutely no free time, and are learning how to do an incredibly difficult and demanding job?

The truth is you have no idea what he’s like to live with, and during pregnancy / post partum is no time to suddenly be finding out that he’s unable to clean up after himself, or an absolute arsehole when he’s tired, or had unendurable habits.

I strongly recommend that if you want to have a baby you try cohabiting beforehand. Don’t roll the dice on whether you actually want to do that by waiting until there’s a baby involved before trying it.

And also give serious consideration to whether this guy is actually the one you want to be tied to for life. If you’re deciding between ‘keep things somewhat casual for the foreseeable future’ and ‘have a baby and move in together’, it’s a sign something isn’t right. If you don’t want to live with him, I can’t see why you would want to tie yourself to him for, at minimum, the next 18 years.

Calling people a tradwife because they are pointing out the impracticalities of what you’re suggesting is ignorant. I don’t think women here are against women being higher earners and people have suggested you go it alone rather than with a partner you’re not convinced is your soulmate. FWIW I don’t believe in soulmates and my husband isn’t my soulmate but as you offered that information it would suggest you do believe in soulmates.

I think moving in with a partner for financial and practical reasons in the newborn stage is a recipe for disaster. My newborn had terrible reflux and would scream from 6pm to 2am for about 7 weeks, throwing up constantly. Trying to adjust to someone living in my space, that I didn’t want there, and a newborn would have caused my mental health to tank. A lot of women enjoy maternity leave, regardless of their setup, but a number of women don’t and you don’t know if you’re going to enjoy it or what type of baby you get until they’re here. I wouldn’t be trying to adjust to living with someone in that time.

If you’re so financially independent that you can pay your mortgage and childcare costs, then go it alone. If you need a partner to contribute to childcare costs, then moving in together with a newborn is not the time - either live together for a while before or keep separate properties. If you can’t afford separate properties and childcare, then you’re not as financially independent as you think.

YANBU. I think many posts on this thread are closed minded, negative and some are jumping to conclusions that your partner will not be involved. Honestly sometimes you just have to go for it and make the best of your new situation. Maternity leave of course isn't easy but it's certainly very different from work! I think go for it. Many different situations can be happy ones, not just a traditional nuclear family.

Have you actually thought about it from the poor child's view point, a baby is not a toy and yes this is harsh

You have a huge mortgage; have you checked childcare costs? What happens once you’re back to work and you get a call (at least once a month) that you need ti pick up your sick kid from nursery asap. Have a read here for a few days and see how moms even with partners can’t hold a full time job due to childcare demands (which you can’t really fully outsource). I’d approach this as if you’d be a single parent as you don’t really know re your current partner. And if he sticks around and contributes- it’s a bonus.

How do you see it working logistically?

Would you co-habit as partners/friends/FWB/co-parents?

How much time does the child spend living with each of you if you decide to live apart?

Would you both keep your homes so he can move in and out as the whim takes you?

You're not really head over heels for him, so how do you handle polygamy or new relationships?

How do you think a baby/child/teen would cope with this level of instability?

If time off is one of your main considerations, consider a sabbatical first. It will be cheaper and help you focus on what you really want.

Really, I was interested in opinions on TTC in a more non-traditional setup.

That's exactly what you've got. You just don't like the answers so want to believe it's only trad wives who think you're being ridiculous.

I'm a single parent, and it's not as awful and lonely and sad as many pps with partners think it is. I really enjoyed my maternity leave too, sorry if this disappoints anyone.

Why would you say that?

Is that what you've taken from the advice and opinions on this thread...that people may be 'disappointed' that you enjoyed your maternity leave? 😳

Blimey.

Agreed that this sounds a bit naive. I don't think you need to be a trad wife to recognise that an involved father who has a stable relationship with their mother is incredibly beneficial for children.

And the hard bit isn't just the newborn stage - it's the sleep regressions, teething, illnesses, toddler tantrums. Etc etc.

As for mat leave, I've enjoyed both of mine but it hasn't been a holiday from work. It can be lovely coffee mornings, walks in the parks, meeting new mums but it's also being on call 27/7, 7 days a week. I'd have really struggled without DH.

I'm a single parent, and it's not as awful and lonely and sad as many pps with partners think it is. I really enjoyed my maternity leave too, sorry if this disappoints anyone.

My concern would be that you could end up in a custody battle with your boyfriend and he could end up with up to 50% custody, or have your child every weekend. Even if you think he wouldn't be interested it's a risk - he could have family members who push him or he might want to keep maintenance as low as possible.

I think you'd be better off with a sperm donor if you want to have a baby but are not in a committed relationship. You'll need to work out your finances re childcare etc but you could share your room with the baby and probably get a student in on a weekday digs basis till the baby goes to school, which will reduce your childcare costs.

I have a very strained relationship with my father - my parents were married when I was born but my father wasn't home at the time or for most of the time until I was 6 or 7 (away at sea). I actually resented him arriving home and expecting us to be pleased to have him there 'in charge' for a few weeks until he disappeared again. Our relationship has never recovered from him not being there full time in my formative years so don't intentionally put your child through the same thing.

One of my own children was a terrible sleeper and woke every 2 hours for an hour every night from birth to age 3. I would not have survived (or I might have been jailed for murder) if I hadn't had the support of my DH. Being a mother is rewarding but my god its the hardest job I've ever done and I am in awe of all the single mums (not by their choice usually) who can do it alone. Think very carefully before you bring a new life into the world, especially into a non conventional home.

Time off work

wanting your own space - clearly enjoy it enough not to want to actively live with partner

partner is not your soulmate - fuck me don’t do it with someone you’re not sure about, you’re tied with this person forever

youve never lived with your partner but considering a baby. Walk before you can run. See if you can live together first

lf you weren’t having a baby you would not live together. Okay so the baby forces you to live together - how is that a relaxing natural enjoyable choice? You will resent the new life the baby brings. You will miss your old life and old you more than the typical new mother even does

and finally again ‘a year off’ hmmmm it really is so far from that . A year off what? Your life will never go back to what it was before.

This is a bloody terrible idea!!!

so many things you’re deluded about motherhood

Who pays your ‘massive’ mortgage when you’re on mat leave and afterwards if you want to either stay home, go part-time, or childcare to return to work?

Why would BF continue to pay maintenance if he wasn’t living with you and got a new family of his own?

You’re describing a single parent sperm donor situation. Some women unwittingly end up with that, I doubt many chose it.

You’ve both considered what childcare will cost?

There are people who choose to do it alone. I think when women want a baby it’s really difficult to just ignore it. I’m quite selfish at times and I know in your position I’d be doing the exact same.

Maternity leave for me was great. It was all coffee mornings, wandering around shops, going swimming. I couldn’t have done it without my dh’s emotional or financial support though. But I’m not sure we’d have survived if our relationship wasn’t solid. We were together 8/9 years before we decided to start a family.

What does HE want?

Yabu.

Sorry I think its a bit silly to not even attempt to live together before ttc. Especially if the plan is for him to move in during the newborn time- potentially the most stressful sleep deprived time ever.

Also you're creating a child who would then have to live with him at least part time. You don't even like him enough to live with him yourself but want to make someone else do that. 2 houses is horrid as a child I don't know why you'd want to do that on purpose.

Do it you're already 34 you will regret it if you don't

Obviously doesn't preclude single mums from being amazing parents but the complications with baby's dad name this super undesirable

Definitely wouldn't do this. Your baby deserves a happy family home with parents that are committed to each other, plus pregnancy and newborns are incredibly hard work. A live-out dad who is semi together with the mum is very confusing for a child and could get very messy down the line. You need to think about childcare too

What a peculiar question. Is this thread about something else entirely? Very strange.