To be annoyed or need to calm down

'FFS woman, why don't you just do everything I say! If you didn't stand up for yourself all the time and just did what I want without complaint there would literally be no issue. Know your place!'

The pass to the hand thing sounds awful.

The other things do suggest autistm, however I actually relate to a lot of them.

I struggle with DP being too close / in the same room as me (usually the kitchen) if I am doing something. I feel claustrophobic in my house quite a lot, I just feel like he is crowding me. However I recognise that this is my problem, so I will just leave the room and wait for him to finish and then go back in.

I also struggle with loud noises, they can panic me and just generally stress me out.

Also the questions. I can feel "overwhelmed" by just one question. But I'm aware that that is not normal so I don't show it or react. But I don't like, for example, when he asks how my day was the moment I get home from work. I also get flustered when he asks me a question that can't be answered by a yes or no. I feel I have to answer totally truthfully and that requires a lot of effort / words and I just can't be bothered.

I will add though, that I had none of the above issues before having kids. Having kids has completely burnt me out which is why I now have these reactions to the above.

All this to say, I am having a lot of same issues as him, but the way I deal with them is different. I recognise that it's me that has the issue, whereas he seems to be taking it out on you.

I do find the "pass it to my hand" the strangest and most disrespectful of his actions though - I can't understand why he would do that. Power? Just start dropping whatever it is on the floor and he can pick it up himself if he wants it.

The “in jest he is a difficult person to live with” is not poking fun at himself ir acknowledging the reality, its just a typical narcissistic/abusive dodge that evades responsibility. It puts you on the back foot and forces you to laugh and say “oh its not that bad” or “no problem.” Just like his non apology to you about ruining the child’s parry (which sounded adorable btw). If he was really that tired he wouldn’t have had the energy to storm off.

You might look at the long running thread here “married to someone with autism”. I think that it might be helpful to read other people’s experience. Because the central marital issue is that he won’t change. Not because of the autism (if any) but because of his personality and the way he thinks of the relationship. He thinks you must conform to him, serve him, orient around his needs. He will not reciprocate.

How can you and your son live healthily and happily tied down in service to so many quirks and demands? If you lived alone or had a supportive and loving partner you could stop spending every minute navigating through the rocky shoals of his odd preferences and rigidity and hostility.

This is very difficult to deal with and he seems to utterly lack insight into it. I couldn’t live with this. If he had a smidgen if insight and a sense of humor, if he could laugh at himself a bit, it would be tolerable. But he can’t. He is a ball of infantile rage.

He’s said he’s sorry he wasn’t able to react fast enough for my liking

Not actually an apology though, is it?

See if he improves now you've had a talk to him about it.

What an absolute arsehole. Being deliberately disrespectful as some kind of power play!

I hope he’s receptive to counselling, he needs it.

Autism, or MH problems, or a bad childhood, none are excuses for abusive behaviour, nor are they free passes from having respect and consideration for the people around us. The problem here isn't whether he's ND or not, it's the way he's choosing to treat you and the behaviour he's choosing to model to your DC.

There's so much he could be doing to improve the situation and manage his behaviour so you and DC aren't affected and the fact that he isn't even trying speaks volumes to me. I'm autistic and do everything I can to not let it affect the people close to me in a negative way, because that's what you do when you're not an arsehole.

In your position I would be putting a back up plan in place so that leaving would be possible if need be and then having a serious 'come to Jesus' type chat about what needs to change to make you stay. Please don't be put off by the thought of DC having to spend time with him alone if you split, ime kids are always better off if they have at least one stable, abuse-free home and parent to go back to than being stuck witnessing the abuse full time.

Does he behave like this, specifically the receiving items with others?
Likely not.
He's just another abusive arsehole first and foremost.
The rest could be anything.
Far too easy to ascribe arsehole behaviour to ND.
Very often it is just their character.

I can see how the other things fit into autism/PDA, but I absolutely cannot for the life of me figure out he could possibly hold down a job if his PDA is so severe he won't lift his arm to receive items he has asked for or actively wants himself. Is it a severe form of masking??? Maybe someone more knowledgeable will be able to shed light on this.
Regardless, there's three things here:

• you can be autistic and a total dick, and he sounds like a total dick - there's no remorse or trying to make it up to you in other ways or trying to learn coping mechanisms or compromise for the sake of your child, so he's a dick.
• you are not obligated to be in a relationship with someone who treats you badly, even if the cause of that behaviour is autism. You are not obligated to be in any relationship where you are not treated well, full stop. It's a waste of your life.
• it is not good to teach your child that this is a normal relationship dynamic, or normal behaviour.

Sounds like autistic traits..i worked for an autistic woman who was lovely to me but vile to her husband

@Redlorryyellowcar Just read back

but it fcks me off that DH treats me this way in front of DC. Like I have to serve him drinks on my knees and also be completely happy to be frozen out of conversation.

This isn't how you want to be treated (or should be treated, to be honest)

Sometimes I think he’s got autistic traits? He’s very charming and sociable at work but I think it could be a mask and when he’s at home he gives yo and that’s why he’s so horrible and tired all the time

This may be true - he may be autistic.
He can be the way he wants and live the way he wants .......... but it's not a good reason for him to avoid counselling and taking advice and responsibility if he wants to live in a relationship with somebody

I kick off but it’s not good for our child
No, it's not good for your child - you know that.
And it's not good for you to feel you're always 'kicking off'. It makes you feel like you're the one who's being unreasonable all the time - when really all you're doing is standing up for yourself

No I’m not happy with situations like this and I’m not happy with our child witnessing it. I’d like to think about how to fix it. I don’t want to jump to LTB

nobody in your situation wants to just' jump to LTB', but sometimes it's a considered choice that has to be made.
It's a very, very scary decision . ............. but so is the alternative

Does he always ruin special occasions?
Yes

This says a lot

There’s way more to it than I’ve shared. Yes I had noted things in the past but gave up a while back - what’s the point - who cares what I put on a record? It doesn’t help or prove anything

Who cares? - the only person who has to care is you, because you're the one who needs to do something - no -one else can do it for you

I always react worse, I’m always the more annoyed one, he says I always blow things up. I always make it 10 times worse. I don’t know how to stop myself reacting… I wish I could be I don’t want to be treated this way either FFS where’s the way out

You don't 'always make it 10 times worse ' - he's using YOU as the excuse for HIM not needing to change his behaviour

You have choices - you ALWAYS have choices:

If he's not prepared to accept counselling and you want to stay with him, then you put up with it
If he's prepared to accept counselling and his behaviour changes, then it's a win
If you don't go for counselling, then you put up with it if you want to stay with him
If you go for counselling and his behaviour doesn't change, you either accept it or you don't accept it. You then decide to stay and put up with his behaviour (and don't complain about it) or you decide you don't want to put up with it and do something about it

So I do go nuclear but then I feel deep shame afterwards that I’ve lost my shit AGAIN

Yep, he makes you feel the shame for YOUR behaviour that he shoud be feeling for HIS behaviour

I DO need to keep it inside for my son. I really do. That IS something I can do. I can control that

You may need to keep it inside for your son -- but what is that actually teaching him?? Children sense tension and you'll be teaching him to put up with shit behaviour

I keep trying to work out his weird quirks
why are YOU making all the effort? He doesn't seem to be making any effort

DC just begs us both to be nice to each other. God that’s hard to type. He just says daddy be nice to mummy or mummy stop talking to daddy like that

This says it all really!

So he says it makes him a nervous wreck constantly having to check his behaviour around me or I get upset. It’s hard to know what’s him or me being unreasonable

He would say that tho, wouldn't he. He's not going to accept any blame - it's so much easier to blame someone else.

yes he would go for 50:50
He may say that, but is it just words?
He can lose patience with DC4 quite easily
He absolutely adores DC but find parenting overwhelming. He’s like ‘me time’ and routine and tidiness

Sometimes, we women just need to 'save the man who's struggling' or 'rescue the bad boy'/ We feel guilty for 'abandoning' people that we think we can help.

Sometimes we can't tho. Sometimes we can help up to a point and then that person need to want to change and needs to want to accept help.

perhaps I keep it in in front of DC for a while with a longer term plan
Sometimes we need to let go for the sake of the other people that we love

I know it's not an easy choice and whatever you do is going to be difficult ......... so you may as well think of what's best for you and the person you want to protect most x

This. You're going to end up a nervous wreck OP, constantly checking/stopping your own justified reaction to his behaviour. As another poster said, he has a mean streak. He's humiliating you. But you're the bad guy if you object? Sod that.

Fwiw a divorce doesn't mean custody would necessarily be 50/50. I have 3 dc, they spend 6 days and 2 nights per month with their Dad.

Yes that does have some autistic traits in there. But that's no excuse. I'm autistic and I can hear a partner tell me something drives them crazy eg the passing thing he has and I would change that. And I would expect you to respect the kitchen weirdness. I'd expect you to manage the weird walking when I'm stressed but I'd make an effort to walk with you other times if I knew it was important to you. Relationships are give and take. Autism may mean we need to be told what's upsetting a partner and told what would be better way to do something but it's not impossible. He's making no effort and is controlling and manipulative. He intentionally ruined the party. That's not autism that's an arsehole

He's trying to wind you up on purpose. That's very sinister sociopathic behaviour he's testing you because he wants to see how little respect you have for yourself.
You need to show him you respect yourself and will leave because of this. So what if he says it's small fry it's up to you what you tolerate in life

im like is it laziness or entitlement or does he not get social norms? Is he really tired? I keep trying to work out his weird quirks

This isn't not getting social norms. This isn't autism it is nasty abusive behaviour. I know you are trying to understand him but relating this behaviour to autism is pretty offensive. Autism doesn't make you nasty like this.

Does he take orders in work and do tasks assigned to him.
His whole thing around not eating your food etc is seriously weird. I'm sorry but l don't think this is going to get any better and your head will be stressed out even more. Is his dad like this? Has he ever had suggestions in school around his behaviour?

OP, provoking you is sport for him.
You need to realise that.

I presume you are no longer having sex with him?
I certainly hope not.
Move out of the bedroom if you can.
He is abusing you both.
He is a really bad man.
He is deliberately distressing you and your child.
You must NEVER get pregnant again.
You need to tell family the truth.
He will say he will want 50/50 but he won't want that.
Get that child away from him.
He likes upsetting you both.
It is important you fully understand that.
You both deserve better than him.

He is nasty scum.
That poor little boy.

Stop trying to work him out and start working out what you want to accept.
Regardless of why he's doing it, it's affecting you and your DC negatively.

And you'll probably never really know, he's unlikely to go get a diagnosis so it's a waste of your precious energy.

It's completely ok to simply not want to deal with his sh!t any longer, full stop.

Does he do these behaviours in front of friends and family? What if they were passing something to him?

The problem you're going to have in the future is if you learn to continually keep it in and not say anything, you might get so good at this that you're keeping in things that shouldn't be kept in.
Like right now, not saying anything on front of your DC for his sake is important, but where does it end, what will you end up accepting?

What a dick. Sorry. But you married a dickhead.