Wondering if I'm always unpopular because I'm autistic?

It's the opposite in my experience. That's how I used to have conversations. They share something with me. I share something with them in return. I thought that was how you bond with people. Nope. If you do that, most NT people think you're self-centred and turn every conversation into being about you. It's safer to show interest in other people and wait for them to show interest in you. But you'll find many NT don't because, ironically, they're only interested in talking about themselves. Hence why they see you sharing about yourself as taking attention away from them.

This is a very ND way of conversing though. Many (most) ND people don't interpret it in a negative way. It's just reciprocal sharing of lives.

I’d look at socialising with different people. Eg volunteering with scouts or guides has lots of adult volunteers I’d suspect are on spectrum. It can come with an adult only social life too - guide leaders have 18-30 inspire or trefoil guild. Perhaps more rigid structure helps too.

I think neurotypical people like platitudes and having what they’ve just said acknowledged.

I agree in the sense that autistic people (my daughter, for eg) might find it difficult to 'get' light-hearted, superficial chat. She is always very earnest and takes every remark seriously. Sometimes it's just silly, enjoyable nonsense, and I know she's told me that she finds that difficult to navigate.

That's not a platitude, though. It's expressing the normal concern of a friend, and exercising enough theory of mind to enter into someone else's probable mental state.

I think neurotypical people like platitudes and having what they’ve just said acknowledged.
So if they tell you they were up all night with a crying baby, you have a mildly concerned face and say, “you must be so tired” etc.
They're not always that interested in your story that mirrors theirs but if it’s told relatively briefly then it can be just part of the to and fro of the conversation.

I'm autistic (diagnosed this year at age 40). My daughter was diagnosed aged 7 in 2017, and that's what made the penny drop with me. I also had comments from her Dr.

It hasn't held me back at all, and it's such a deficit and ablist view to think of autism that way. Some autistic people have learning difficulties (like my daughter) and others don't. Autistic people all have quite different profiles, and need help with different things. For me, as an autistic woman, a lifetime of masking made me very anxious and often burn out. Recognising that I'm autistic has helped me to be able to accept my differences and why I don't "fit in," whilst giving me permission to stop masking so much. I hope you can find that acceptance too, and I encourage you to consider an assessment as it could well help.

It's helped me to see conversations more like a dance. So rather than ask all about colleagues' children you could try asking one thing and then relate their answer back to your DC. Otherwise it's a bit like an interview rather than a convo (I realise I have to watch out for doing this).

A couple of great posts from @BertieBotts on pages 3 and 4.
Really helpful explanations.

The timekeeping and the sensitivity can be really hard to deal with!

RSD affects both people with ASD and people with ADHD and having that in common can be really hard. I quite often read too much into something and am convinced that the other person hates me. When you have a misunderstanding between two people and they both think the other person hates them... It's just hard for someone to go first and clear things up.

I have some really good NT friends who don't put up with any of that ridiculous overthinking and will call things out when I've overreacted and reassure me that everything is actually OK and we're still mates. I need that from them, and they're very good about it.

I wish I didn't struggle with timekeeping so much, but I do. The only way around it is to wildly overcompensate, which is hideously stressful and involves getting up many hours earlier than I need to. The sheer effort of getting to work on time means I rarely have enough energy to overcompensate for non-work things. It's not because I don't like or respect other people - I'm just at capacity.

I don't knowingly know anyone who is AuDHD, but there are loads of them. I'd wager they can better co-exist with all types of people. I think classic ASD-only and classic ADHD-only make for a tougher pair to match.

I have an assessment at the being of December. I don’t really have friends/ am not popular. I don’t really mind as I don’t have time for it as I become overloaded.
the reason I want an assessment is to get more reasonable adjustments at work. I unofficially have some. I will get job done but sometimes I need a bit of time out in the middle of the day centre, I have a bigger caseload than most other people at my level so it’s not that I can’t do my job.

Maybe they're just not really interested in children? 😆 I must admit I'm a bit like this- other mums ask me about the DC, and in return I ask them about their jobs or car troubles, because child chat bores me senseless (rest assured, I'll never be starting a thread on here about why I have no mum friends- I know very well why!! 😆)

But do your colleagues reciprocate by asking you about the important stuff in life, like what your favourite A road or dinosaur is?! 😆

My experience is different, in that I'm autistic and have a lot of ADHD and autistic friends. I think what we have in common is some really creative, out of the box thinking, and the potential to find all manner of stuff fascinating. There can also be a lot of sensory seeking behaviour in common- an enthusiasm for loud music, for example. Also, I'm quite alternative, and alternative subcultures are crammed with ND people.

There's also the possibility that there's far more crossover than previously thought: at a meet up of autistic friends, 5 out of 6 of us thought we may have some ADHD traits, and one had diagnoses of both. Personally I wonder if, in a generation's time, ASD and ADHD will be viewed as different manifestations of the same condition!

However, there can be friction: definitely in the past, I've been driven mad by people's flakiness (but now I'm perimenopausal I'm suddenly flaky myself 😬). And there was the time I went to a festival with an ADHD friend and wanted to leave early because it was all too much, which personally offended her (RSD? 🤔) and caused her to rage at me, meaning we're not friends any more.

People are very rude to say that to you. That would really upset me.
I have a feeling I might be but am finding it hard to accept. I worry that people can see it in me and would be hurt if they mentioned it. Unless you are specifically asking them then I think they are out of line.

I find it really difficult to interact with many people with autism for extended periods of time. However, it's really not them, it's me.

I have ADHD, so I think differently. And I'm already exhausted trying to think like an NT person to get by in life - I simply can't manage to 'speak' three different languages at once.

A lot of my friends have ADHD (I didn't seek them out consciously because of their ADHD) and we have conversations that many NT people would hate. We are constantly talking about 30 different things, flitting back and forth between subjects and never finishing any one discussion there and then.

With my NT friends, I have spent my life pretending to be them, so it's instinctive to keep up with how they communicate and to adapt accordingly.

I think you can draw a little possible friendship Venn diagram with ADHD and autism in circles that don't touch, and NT right in the middle.

With people with autism, while I'm sure they also find it hard to keep up with normal conventions, again, I bet many of them have spent their lives trying to be NT (to varying degrees of success). So, in all cases, whatever type of neurodivergence, it's just easier communicating with NT people rather than different ND people.

The trouble is, the rigidity of autism clashes with my ADHD chaos. Often someone with autism will want to meet at a certain time, and if you can't make that time, you don't like them enough. Someone with ADHD will promise to make that time and mean it, but inevitably fail. We live and thrive in chaos.

(It does make me laugh every time someone on MN posts a thread about people being late and not respecting them as I do wonder how much undiagnosed neurodiversity is there...)

But just because it can be hard for people with different types of ND to be friends doesn't mean it's impossible, and it's really not a reflection on either of them. It just means that it's easier to seek out more NT friends who can adapt better to our respective quirks. We just have different needs, and we're trying really hard to survive in an NT world in our different ways.

I think, friendship is more about how you make other people feel in your company, about two way street reciprocation and less about if you are neurodiverse or neurotypical.

I have both, lucky me . Thank you though. Tbh I normally feel better for it - when I went on ADHD meds I felt “more autistic”, like I had lost a major coping mechanism suddenly.

I understand you don't want to persue a diagnosis. That's your choice. I mean it could help to explore yourself a bit more but I understand it not changing much.

What would I would say as an ND person, maybe you're trying to find the wrong group of people? Maybe you'd find you would fit in better with other ND people. Maybe look for friendships in special interests or ND only groups. Just to see if that works perhaps?

Good luck to you op.

@Jellycats4life
because you see your young son having friends

My son is in his 30s, he isn’t a child, and his diagnosis was made as an adult. He is in neither school nor college. He has maintained friendships out in the world as an adult.

This is me. High functioning, genius level IQ etc. not a clue how to deal with people. I was tested and it did make sense of why I am the way I am. I am lucky because my husband and family know I just don't get things but the rest of the world see me as aloof and uncaring.