Page 9 | Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

Smokedicecream · 2024-11-14T10:17:05+00:00

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun. We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come. Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together. She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

saraclara · 14/11/2024 12:17

I'd reply to her texts with a shedload of love, telling her that she is a gorgeous person and you are so sorry she is feeling lonely as she deserves to be loved and with someone.

Ugh. That's not only vomit inducing, @Autumnweddingguest but would also be an outright lie. Why would anyone do this?
There's nothing worse than false sentimentality.

2Rebecca · 14/11/2024 12:16

I wouldn't go on holiday with her again. I think if you go with a couple you accept the couple spend some time together, especially if you like different things. Expecting your holiday to revolve around her is unreasonable. I think discussions like this are best done in person so I'd say very little by text maybe a "I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your time with us, I think we enjoy different types of holidays". It would make me consider your boyfriend, what man in his 20s thinks his mother tagging along on a holiday will be "fun". Her having no social circle is a red flag. She will want you 2 to be her entertainment particularly if you have children.

Hoppinggreen · 14/11/2024 12:15

Autumnweddingguest · 14/11/2024 12:03

Often anger is masking profound sadness or fear and she's already pointed out how lonely she felt, so that is what the real issue is. Not you.

I'd reply to her texts with a shedload of love, telling her that she is a gorgeous person and you are so sorry she is feeling lonely as she deserves to be loved and with someone. I'd also say that you were genuine when you invited her along on outings but as she said no, you assumed she wanted some quiet time and are sorry this was a miscommunication. I'd end by saying you appreciated that she got this holiday deal for you and would like to take her out for dinner somewhere nice to say thank you - when is she free?

If she stays sulky and angry after that, it's her issue to deal with, not yours or her son's.

Oh dear, I felt a bit sick reading that.
OP, you can be pleasant to this woman without sounding like a hallmark greetings card.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 14/11/2024 12:14

I'd show him that text and ask him

Is he worth you dealing with this nightmare in your life?
When is he going to actually stop this BS or are you going to have to permanently stop it.

AuroraBo · 14/11/2024 12:13

Omg she sounds a right cow. Your last post highlights some nasty behaviours.

ManchesterLu · 14/11/2024 12:13

It's his responsibility to deal with the relationship with his mother - however, it's never fun being on holiday with people who have completely different expectations of the holiday.

I would be more like his mum - enjoying sunbathing, reading and maybe some swimming, but equally I would never expect anyone else to not go out for the day to stay with me. I would be 100% happy to chill out in the days and meet up for meals at night (or not if that didn't fit with what they were doing!)

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 14/11/2024 12:12

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 11:58

Yes his ex was more similar to his mum. I’m the opposite really. She had a good relationship with his ex so I think she is sad that she won’t have that relationship with me. But she could’ve had it if she wouldn’t have behaved so awfully when we first got together. I just don’t think I’m her type of person. I think she saw us as three friends going on holiday, but that’s not the case so I don’t know why she would expect it to be like that

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Starting on the wrong foot, doesn't mean ending on the wrong foot.

I'll reply and say
"Hi Jane, its sad you felt left out on holiday. Thought you were happy lounging by the pool.
Anyway, good to realise early on that we are not holiday compatible.
I know what you mean about being single, maybe a singles holiday next time where you could meet someone?
Have a good weekend/see you on Sunday".

Nip it in the bud as if you were to get married, she'll expect to tag along and dictate how to spend the holidays.

(I actually have friends who met this way)

Original poster

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 12:09

ThatTealViewer · 14/11/2024 11:59

What was the awful behaviour when you first got together? What did she say/do?

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3 months after we got together, DP had a birthday party. It was a room hired out in a bar. I went round to his house a few days before and his mum told me that she has invited his ex to his party. She said something along the lines of “she’s an amazing girl and I am friends with her and would like her to be there. Just letting you know” DP didn’t say anything about this and because the relationship was so new I didn’t know how much I could demand I wasn’t happy with. At the party, I bumped into his mum in the toilets and I said oh I have spoken to Dave’s ex just so it’s not awkward (because as soon as she walked in his family flocked around her and I felt a bit uncomfortable). She said “oh good. It’s a shame really because she is newly single so they could’ve got back together. But he’s with you now” I left the party straight away and decided it wasn’t worth continuing the relationship, but DP was devastated and convinced me not to end it. He spoke to his mum about it but she didn’t stop. Compared me to his ex at every opportunity. Would say things like “well judy would do this” and “when he was with just she did this” and “she was rough and ready whereas you’re a princess”. Shit hit the fan one night when me and DP went round to her house (invited, so she knew we were coming) and his ex was sat on the couch having a glass of wine with his mum.

they had an argument and we cut contact for a while. Since then, she hasn’t been too bad but we are never going to have a good relationship

OP posts:

RyderGangster · 14/11/2024 12:08

The DM has the option of going on more holidays with

Her son & yourself & make the most of it

Or

Her existing friends

Join solo group holidays

A cruise, where she has the opportunity to meet new people

You are not Her only option !

SereneFish · 14/11/2024 12:04

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 11:14

She could be, but it’s very out of character. We don’t have that kind of relationship, we got off to a bad start and have never really recovered much. We just kind of accept each other for the sake of DP. Her wording in the text seem to indicate that she blames us for excluding her and the holiday wasn’t what she expected or had in mind. If she’s just expressing herself then fine, but what’s the point… I don’t really know what to say to it.

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You've just been on holiday together, perhaps she feels it's the right time to build bridges.

I would post the exact wording of the text to see how others interpret it.

Autumnweddingguest · 14/11/2024 12:03

Often anger is masking profound sadness or fear and she's already pointed out how lonely she felt, so that is what the real issue is. Not you.

I'd reply to her texts with a shedload of love, telling her that she is a gorgeous person and you are so sorry she is feeling lonely as she deserves to be loved and with someone. I'd also say that you were genuine when you invited her along on outings but as she said no, you assumed she wanted some quiet time and are sorry this was a miscommunication. I'd end by saying you appreciated that she got this holiday deal for you and would like to take her out for dinner somewhere nice to say thank you - when is she free?

If she stays sulky and angry after that, it's her issue to deal with, not yours or her son's.

TypingoftheDead · 14/11/2024 12:03

Pickled21 · 14/11/2024 10:31

I firmly disagree with the whole let your boyfriend deal with it because she's his mum unless that is the precedent you are happy to set when it comes to his family. Personally I feel it is important to have a relationship with the inlaws independent of your partner. However in this case I wouldn't respond to the text till he gets home. I'd discuss it with him first and then either ring and speak to her together or have her over to yours and speak to her. I also would forget about any discounts she can get when booking a holiday and not agree to a joint holiday again. You made compromises on the holiday but it was your holiday as much as hers.

From the sounds of it OP isn’t actually married to her partner, so it probably does change how this should be dealt with. Agree with everything else though.

ThatTealViewer · 14/11/2024 11:59

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 11:58

Yes his ex was more similar to his mum. I’m the opposite really. She had a good relationship with his ex so I think she is sad that she won’t have that relationship with me. But she could’ve had it if she wouldn’t have behaved so awfully when we first got together. I just don’t think I’m her type of person. I think she saw us as three friends going on holiday, but that’s not the case so I don’t know why she would expect it to be like that

Show quote history

What was the awful behaviour when you first got together? What did she say/do?

Original poster

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 11:58

rookiemere · 14/11/2024 11:54

With your update about wanting you to stay up later than you were comfortable with, it sounds like she expected the two of you to do what she wanted to do on holiday, so lie on a lounger all day and late night drinking every evening, which sounds like my idea of a living hell. Maybe your DPs previous DGF was like this and that's why she prefers her.

I would go with one of the non apologies "Oh I'm sorry you felt that way, that wasn't our intention at all. "

She has shot herself in the foot though as hell would freeze over before I went on another holiday with her, so all she has done is make herself more isolated.

Yes his ex was more similar to his mum. I’m the opposite really. She had a good relationship with his ex so I think she is sad that she won’t have that relationship with me. But she could’ve had it if she wouldn’t have behaved so awfully when we first got together. I just don’t think I’m her type of person. I think she saw us as three friends going on holiday, but that’s not the case so I don’t know why she would expect it to be like that

OP posts:

JanetheObscure · 14/11/2024 11:56

It speaks volumes that she has texted you, not her son. There's an irrational blame game going on for how she thinks she was made to feel.

Your DP did exactly the same on holiday as you did, apart from staying up a bit later with his mum, so why hasn't she offloaded on him? Forward the texts and get him to respond to her.

rookiemere · 14/11/2024 11:54

With your update about wanting you to stay up later than you were comfortable with, it sounds like she expected the two of you to do what she wanted to do on holiday, so lie on a lounger all day and late night drinking every evening, which sounds like my idea of a living hell. Maybe your DPs previous DGF was like this and that's why she prefers her.

I would go with one of the non apologies "Oh I'm sorry you felt that way, that wasn't our intention at all. "

She has shot herself in the foot though as hell would freeze over before I went on another holiday with her, so all she has done is make herself more isolated.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/11/2024 11:47

You might reply acknowledging that it’s hard being with a couple when you’re single yourself and that you would have been glad for her to join you on walks etc. send her love and say Hope to see her soon. She sounds unhappy.

BriannaCranston · 14/11/2024 11:45

Pickled21 · 14/11/2024 10:31

I firmly disagree with the whole let your boyfriend deal with it because she's his mum unless that is the precedent you are happy to set when it comes to his family. Personally I feel it is important to have a relationship with the inlaws independent of your partner. However in this case I wouldn't respond to the text till he gets home. I'd discuss it with him first and then either ring and speak to her together or have her over to yours and speak to her. I also would forget about any discounts she can get when booking a holiday and not agree to a joint holiday again. You made compromises on the holiday but it was your holiday as much as hers.

But they are not in-laws. This is a very new relationship and his mum should not feel this comfortable to firstly invite herself on their holiday and then contact the OP like this.

BriannaCranston · 14/11/2024 11:43

Why on earth does she feel comfortable enough to text you like that when you've only been with your partner for a year? I would nip this behaviour in the bud now OP: she is attempting to make you responsible for her relationship with her son and expecting you to facilitate her life and act as her unpaid therapist. I would text her back and just say it would be best if she speaks to your partner about this and leave it to that. Do not apologise and do not get involved.

YouveGotAFastCar · 14/11/2024 11:43

Yeah, given your update on the bad start, I'd be leaving this to your partner...

I wouldn't invite her for a coffee if you don't want to go for one, it could end up being one of those things she uses to beat you with down the line. It's also important that she makes friends outside of her son and his partner. The rest of that reply is fine, if you want to reply something...

My instinct, though, is that she's lashing out at you because she either knows her son will ignore it, or they've gone over this ground before. I'd leave this to him to reply to, and not yourself involved. You don't want to encourage her to vent to you when she's annoyed at him.

Havalona · 14/11/2024 11:41

She doesn't want to share you with her precious son. That's the sum of it.

limegreenheart · 14/11/2024 11:38

I've found that different people have VERY different ideas about how much time they want to spend with the group when travelling. Some people want to do exactly what they want and if no one else is interested they're happy to split up all day and meet for dinner. Some even prefer (want and need) a fair amount of time alone. If you were inviting her along most of the time and she didn't give any feedback (including privately to her son) except "you go ahead without me, I want to stay here and sunbathe/read", then you haven't done anything wrong.

Your update, though (She just didn’t think I was “right” for her son and compared me a lot to his ex) makes me think this isn't about the holiday at all. She has an issue with you regardless of how you behave, and she's overstepping - but your boyfriend has to be the one to shut it down. I'd have no patience with her blaming me for the dynamic on holiday. (Also, if possible, any serious discussion with her should be face to face - texting about this stuff is asking for misunderstandings, misinterpretation, and possibly resulting resentment).

goingdownfighting · 14/11/2024 11:37

Just say that you're sorry that she's disappointed- that it was a shame she didn't have a great time as you enjoyed it.

Reading between the lines I think she wanted some one to one time with you. Maybe some bonding?

She probably hasn't realised that the holiday she's just had is more than what she should expect, and instead of saying it was lovely spending time with you etc, she's whinging and putting you off further holidays.

If you were feeling generous you could suggest next time you go as a bigger group, or on a city break or something.

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/11/2024 11:36

You aren't responsible for her issues.

I think it was weird of her to travel with you and weird of her to text / triangulate you. She's too enmeshed with her son. Beware.

beetr00 · 14/11/2024 11:35

@Smokedicecream

for the best outcome and going forward, let your DP either ring or text, after you've had a chat tonight.

Do not respond yourself, at all