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Original poster

Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

287 replies

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 10:17

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun.

We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come.

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together.

She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 14/11/2024 12:38

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 12:09

3 months after we got together, DP had a birthday party. It was a room hired out in a bar. I went round to his house a few days before and his mum told me that she has invited his ex to his party. She said something along the lines of “she’s an amazing girl and I am friends with her and would like her to be there. Just letting you know” DP didn’t say anything about this and because the relationship was so new I didn’t know how much I could demand I wasn’t happy with. At the party, I bumped into his mum in the toilets and I said oh I have spoken to Dave’s ex just so it’s not awkward (because as soon as she walked in his family flocked around her and I felt a bit uncomfortable). She said “oh good. It’s a shame really because she is newly single so they could’ve got back together. But he’s with you now” I left the party straight away and decided it wasn’t worth continuing the relationship, but DP was devastated and convinced me not to end it. He spoke to his mum about it but she didn’t stop. Compared me to his ex at every opportunity. Would say things like “well judy would do this” and “when he was with just she did this” and “she was rough and ready whereas you’re a princess”. Shit hit the fan one night when me and DP went round to her house (invited, so she knew we were coming) and his ex was sat on the couch having a glass of wine with his mum.

they had an argument and we cut contact for a while. Since then, she hasn’t been too bad but we are never going to have a good relationship

Show quote history

Your DP needs to address the issue around the ex. Keep out of that. Make sure he knows

As for the message you could reply something like 'I'm sorry the holiday wasn't what you wanted' as it's sad she didn't enjoy it but it isn't you apologising for anything you or DP have done/not done.

2Rebecca · 14/11/2024 12:37

She didn't "give the impression" that she wanted to be with her books on a sunbed, she was invited each time and refused. I wouldn't be sending a text implying I wanted to spend more time with her, I'd also wonder why the woman didn't send say this stuff to her son. She seems to be trying to blame the OP for her own decisions.

CandyCane457 · 14/11/2024 12:36

She’s being ridiculous, you have done absolutely nothing wrong!

And the fact she is addressing this directly with you and not your partner, I feel I am seeing more and more of this on mumsnet! MILS who have issues with their son and his wife, or son and his girlfriend, but always take it up with the woman! What is this about? Why is she not speaking to her son about this, why is it your fault? Crazy.

Brefugee · 14/11/2024 12:35

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 10:23

im unsure how to reply to her text. I don’t want an argument or to make her feel worse but the holiday is done now so I don’t know what she wants me to do? Other than apologise which I don’t think I should do because I haven’t done anything

Show quote history

I wouldn't reply. Just fwd to your bf and ask him to handle it.

MidnightBlossom · 14/11/2024 12:34

given your latest update i'm changing my previous advice - i would not respond. tell your partner and let him deal with it.

i agree with @Timeforabiscuit as well. have a careful think about staying in this relationship, if you have kids etc.

Pancakeorcrepe · 14/11/2024 12:34

She sounds like a total nightmare. Don’t reply to the message, let your partner deal with this. Keep your distance from this woman, she does not have your best interests at heart. Do not bend to her will and do not enter her games.

Timeforabiscuit · 14/11/2024 12:33

After your latest update, definitely talk with your partner and find out if you're on the same page.

Unfortunately, I'd be having a long serious think about whether your relationship is tenable long term, she sounds an utter manipulative nightmare.

I don't believe kindness towards her will work, it will need to be boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, as she shows absolutely no respect towards your relationship with your partner.

I think this looks like a ploy to put a wedge between you and your partner with a "she said xyz" - don't be alone with her, it will be tears, tantrums and drama while she is so misunderstood.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 14/11/2024 12:31

I'd tell her that she needs to talk with her son about the points she's raised rather than you.

saraclara · 14/11/2024 12:31

I think I’d reply ‘I’m so sorry the holiday brought up such difficult feelings for you. We’d have loved to have you join us on our walks, but had the impression that you were enjoying peace and quiet in the sun with your book. Please be assured it was never our intention for you to feel left out.’

That's what I'd go with. It's calm, empathetic without being trite, and explanatory.

PrimalOwl10 · 14/11/2024 12:29

Reading your updates your never going to be good enough. She wants to blame you for everything I'd cur contact permanently. What a disgusting way to treat you

Projectme · 14/11/2024 12:27

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 12:09

3 months after we got together, DP had a birthday party. It was a room hired out in a bar. I went round to his house a few days before and his mum told me that she has invited his ex to his party. She said something along the lines of “she’s an amazing girl and I am friends with her and would like her to be there. Just letting you know” DP didn’t say anything about this and because the relationship was so new I didn’t know how much I could demand I wasn’t happy with. At the party, I bumped into his mum in the toilets and I said oh I have spoken to Dave’s ex just so it’s not awkward (because as soon as she walked in his family flocked around her and I felt a bit uncomfortable). She said “oh good. It’s a shame really because she is newly single so they could’ve got back together. But he’s with you now” I left the party straight away and decided it wasn’t worth continuing the relationship, but DP was devastated and convinced me not to end it. He spoke to his mum about it but she didn’t stop. Compared me to his ex at every opportunity. Would say things like “well judy would do this” and “when he was with just she did this” and “she was rough and ready whereas you’re a princess”. Shit hit the fan one night when me and DP went round to her house (invited, so she knew we were coming) and his ex was sat on the couch having a glass of wine with his mum.

they had an argument and we cut contact for a while. Since then, she hasn’t been too bad but we are never going to have a good relationship

Show quote history

I think the text you have from her, yet to deal with, is just the tip of the iceberg OP given this latest update.

Are you absolutely sure you really want to be with a partner whose mother treats you like this? It will be a constant up hill struggle until you snap and have to go NC with her. I just couldn't be arsed with all that but I'm probably a lot older than you.

Blahblahblah2 · 14/11/2024 12:27

She sounds like a fucking nightmare.

CarrotsAndCheese · 14/11/2024 12:26

thepariscrimefiles · 14/11/2024 12:24

Her previous behaviour towards you was so inappropriate and spiteful that I wouldn't want anything to do with her. Even after what she's said and done to you, you still tried to build bridges by going on holiday with her. I wouldn't bother any more.

I agree

Snoopdoggydog123 · 14/11/2024 12:26

AuroraBo · 14/11/2024 12:22

she sounds bloody awful but it might be the loneliness talking? I think your DP should talk to his mum about what she could do to feel less lonely. Help her think about her hobbies and interests and what’s going on locally or abroad. He should also ask her to stop talking about his ex as comparing is silly and nasty.

i think you should say something short and sweet like ‘oh I enjoyed spending time with you on holiday, you must come on our little day excursions next time. Sorry to hear your feeling lonely, are there any local activity groups you can join?’

Why is it on the oP to pacify her with bullshit and lies?

2Rebecca · 14/11/2024 12:25

I would not be sending any text suggesting you'd be holidaying with her again. She can find some friends to go with. She must only be in her 40s or 50s. She should not be that dependent on her son and his partner

Hoppinggreen · 14/11/2024 12:25

Compash · 14/11/2024 12:21

Woah horsie. I wouldn't have gone on holiday with her after that. That is very rude behaviour.

Show quote history

I wouldn't be in a room with the cow after that, let alone go on holiday with her.

thebrowncurlycrown · 14/11/2024 12:24

This is her problem, not yours. Let your bf handle it.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/11/2024 12:24

Her previous behaviour towards you was so inappropriate and spiteful that I wouldn't want anything to do with her. Even after what she's said and done to you, you still tried to build bridges by going on holiday with her. I wouldn't bother any more.

Bunnyhair · 14/11/2024 12:23

Oof, this sounds like a very tricky situation.

I think I’d reply ‘I’m so sorry the holiday brought up such difficult feelings for you. We’d have loved to have you join us on our walks, but had the impression that you were enjoying peace and quiet in the sun with your book. Please be assured it was never our intention for you to feel left out.’

And then see how she replies.

On a different note, how certain are you about this relationship? I would think carefully about getting too involved with someone whose relationship with their mother is so enmeshed that he thinks it would be ‘fun’ to go on holiday with her, when he is presumably aware that she is quite needy - and where she feels it’s appropriate to unburden herself of her feelings of loneliness to her son’s gf who she hardly knows.

ETA just read about the birthday thing. I’d get out of this relationship pronto.

AuroraBo · 14/11/2024 12:22

she sounds bloody awful but it might be the loneliness talking? I think your DP should talk to his mum about what she could do to feel less lonely. Help her think about her hobbies and interests and what’s going on locally or abroad. He should also ask her to stop talking about his ex as comparing is silly and nasty.

i think you should say something short and sweet like ‘oh I enjoyed spending time with you on holiday, you must come on our little day excursions next time. Sorry to hear your feeling lonely, are there any local activity groups you can join?’

Compash · 14/11/2024 12:21

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 12:09

3 months after we got together, DP had a birthday party. It was a room hired out in a bar. I went round to his house a few days before and his mum told me that she has invited his ex to his party. She said something along the lines of “she’s an amazing girl and I am friends with her and would like her to be there. Just letting you know” DP didn’t say anything about this and because the relationship was so new I didn’t know how much I could demand I wasn’t happy with. At the party, I bumped into his mum in the toilets and I said oh I have spoken to Dave’s ex just so it’s not awkward (because as soon as she walked in his family flocked around her and I felt a bit uncomfortable). She said “oh good. It’s a shame really because she is newly single so they could’ve got back together. But he’s with you now” I left the party straight away and decided it wasn’t worth continuing the relationship, but DP was devastated and convinced me not to end it. He spoke to his mum about it but she didn’t stop. Compared me to his ex at every opportunity. Would say things like “well judy would do this” and “when he was with just she did this” and “she was rough and ready whereas you’re a princess”. Shit hit the fan one night when me and DP went round to her house (invited, so she knew we were coming) and his ex was sat on the couch having a glass of wine with his mum.

they had an argument and we cut contact for a while. Since then, she hasn’t been too bad but we are never going to have a good relationship

Show quote history

Woah horsie. I wouldn't have gone on holiday with her after that. That is very rude behaviour.

CarrotsAndCheese · 14/11/2024 12:21

2Rebecca · 14/11/2024 12:16

I wouldn't go on holiday with her again. I think if you go with a couple you accept the couple spend some time together, especially if you like different things. Expecting your holiday to revolve around her is unreasonable. I think discussions like this are best done in person so I'd say very little by text maybe a "I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your time with us, I think we enjoy different types of holidays". It would make me consider your boyfriend, what man in his 20s thinks his mother tagging along on a holiday will be "fun". Her having no social circle is a red flag. She will want you 2 to be her entertainment particularly if you have children.

It would make me consider your boyfriend, what man in his 20s thinks his mother tagging along on a holiday will be "fun".

Yes @Smokedicecream , why did he think it would be fun, especially given your recent update? I was giving her the benefit of the doubt earlier but she sounds like a nightmare.

Edited as tagged PP instead of OP by mistake.

RandomMess · 14/11/2024 12:21

Perhaps suggest next time she goes with his ex rather than you 2 seeing as though they get on so well.

Really though your DP needs to phone her and discuss rather than risk reading the text and the tone of it wrongly.

lawlessland · 14/11/2024 12:19

She sounds awful and I wouldn't want to have much to do with her. I really can't understand how this holiday even happened after everything that went on when you got together.

Leave it to him to deal with and this will be a good test of whether your relationship can work.

Unless he was my dream guy I'm not sure it would be worth the grief for me personally.

CookieMonster28 · 14/11/2024 12:19

She sounds like an absolute horror. I'd speak to your partner when he's home tonight and compose a reply together! If he's funny about it or worried about upsetting her - take it as a bit of a red flag for what the future may hold...