Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

Dating is to see if you're compatible, including family dynamics.

He doesn't know any better as that's all he's known.
Question is, are you willing to accept him as he is?
You can't change a man. You can make him suppress his true self, but it will come out eventually.

Tell her to get on the dating apps..

I don't have any issues with booze and people drinking but this would annoy me. I'd be thinking about whether this is what I want long term.

It’s like it’s impossible for them to do anything at all without drinking involved

Including your DP. His whole environment normalises problematic drinking.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease - as I said harder to see in a 20 year old - totally grim in a 30/40 year old trying to manage a young family.

AA define alcoholism (call it problematic drinking if thats more comfortable for you) - as not what, when, how much etc - but the impact on relationships = you are arguing over it already.

Bloody hell I could not live with that! Why can't he make his own decisions about his life? Argh I'm pissed off on your behalf just reading about them

So, what are you going to do?

She sounds very tricky to deal with so don't agree to a joint holiday ever again, it's not worth the discount! She's ridiculous for commenting to you like that. Even if you all got on like a house on fire it seems you want a totally different kind of holiday to her.
Your DP needs to speak to his mum and you need to tread carefully with her in future. Don't apologise - at best say "it's a shame...blah blah" but don't get into it with her. Speak to your DP first whatever you do.

but yes they are drinkers and I’m not.

You need to leave this relationship because the problematic drinking is already embedded. She is only worse because she is older.

He seems to take every opportunity to drink heavily when he can.

I have lived this life with alcoholic inlaws (they are nasty and bitter 24/7 due to hangovers) and an alcoholic OH. Its harder to see it as 'problematic' in a twenty year old.

But his actions were to choose alcohol over going to bed with you. Know that.

My husband and I went away with my elderly father after my mum died. He was happy to do his own thing during the day and us meet up on evenings as we're quite active on holiday. Some of the days we did things together or my husband went for a cycle and I went for a walk with dad. thankfully he doesn't spend all day sunbathing and doesn't drink. He was happy to entertain himself though and not wanting to stay up all night and had his own apartment so we (and he) had some space.

The way your DP has treated you across many incidents is disgraceful.

He has never had your back - he is happy to throw you under the bus to save his own personal discomfort which would involve expressing a reasonable, moral and assertive boundary.

This tells me a lot about his lack of charcacter - she is way out of line and he is happy to stand back and let her bully, harass and undermmine you.

Do you even share the same values? Reflect and examine his actions (inaction is a choice), to date, not his words.

This is having a compounding effect on you as your DP does not protect you time after time. It will only get worse as she ages.

I'd pass this one on to your DP Op, no matter what you say I have a feeling you'll be in the wrong. Sadly his DM just preferred his Ex and she's not being very subtle about it. The holiday was a mistake I'm afraid, going on holiday with a couple, family or not, will always mean someone feels left out unless you do everything together. I wonder how involved your Dps Mum was in their relationship, did she go out with them much so they were her social life too?

I wondered if mother and son have an alcohol problem too. Why was she so keen for you to stay up beyond 11pm and her wanting her son to stay up with her rather than be with his girlfriend is an odd move as well.

Are you sure she is angry with you, op? She could just be expressing how the holiday highlighted her alone-ness. If she cannot express that to your partner and you, who can she talk to?

Please don't take it personally. You did your best and no doubt got together for a meal in the evening. It looked as though she was content to relax by the pool and read.

Being alone does not necessarily equate to loneliness, that is a state of mind that anyone can have, even with people around them.

It takes time to adjust to being on your own, some manage it better than others - some like it.

Whatever, you can only do so much. It's up to her to connect with others socially. She goes to work and has a job where she must be in contact with loads of people.

Just be nice, kind and supportive where needed. She knows what she has to do and you cannot do any more.

I've seen your updates about dp's ex and his dm's obsession with her.
I can't stand this selfish attitude to ex's of DC.
My son is mid 20s, two long term relationships where I've loved his ex's , welcomed them into the family etc
I mourned when they split up but I've never once imagined those women were there for me. My relationship with them was waaay secondary to my ds and them.

She sounds hard work tbh!

Why did the ex and your DP breakup?

Are they both drinkers?

‘Barbara, we’ll need to go on Tinder and get you a man who likes lying by pools and drinking heavily. That’ll cheer you right up. Clearly we are not suitable holiday companions.’

Maybe not that, but you do need to respond in a way that is very clear that you’re not there to take her shit AND you’re not the person to go to because she wants a moan. You need to assert your boundaries and control or this woman will cause you years of problems.

This is such good advice.
The other good advice is avoid, avoid avoid. And if you bf doesn´t have your back, avoid him too, permanently.

Have you ever had any normal interactions with her? Or was it very weird, followed by no contact, followed by weird?

Honestly, is your boyfriend all that? How did he deal with the party incident? Was he firm with her? Was he a wet lettuce with her?

Are you ready for a lifetime of this?

On second thoughts, perhaps "Thanks for letting me know how you feel" invites similar messages in future. Maybe just skip that, would make for a more concise message anyway.