Page 3 | Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

Smokedicecream · 2024-11-14T10:17:05+00:00

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun. We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come. Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together. She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 16/11/2024 11:10

I posted a comment earlier but in view of more recent information I think it’s a different issue now.
My mum’s mother was an alcoholic. My mum absolutely hated it, couldn’t tolerate alcohol, and didn’t like being around drunk people either.
Her younger brother was in a serious accident aged 32. He moved back in with the mother. He became her drinking pet. She didn’t care that he had a brain injury either.
He died within two years and it was the alcohol which killed him. It then killed her. She took no responsibility for any of it.
If you marry into this type of family and your spouse stays embedded in it, it’s hard to escape.

Member984815 · 16/11/2024 09:55

Daleksatemyshed · 16/11/2024 08:34

His DM drinks a lot and she wants you to join in so she feels it's normal Op. Your refusal to stay up late drinking shines a light on her problem and your DP wants to handle the problem by ignoring it. Be careful Op, this will be a bigger issue as time goes on and you'll be the one who gets the blame

I think you've hit the nail on the head

Daleksatemyshed · 16/11/2024 08:34

His DM drinks a lot and she wants you to join in so she feels it's normal Op. Your refusal to stay up late drinking shines a light on her problem and your DP wants to handle the problem by ignoring it. Be careful Op, this will be a bigger issue as time goes on and you'll be the one who gets the blame

Original poster

Smokedicecream · 16/11/2024 08:33

StrugglingAlways · 15/11/2024 23:41

"Anyway, that’s obviously not what this thread is about."

It is though. He is a problematic drinker. Look at HIS actions - not theirs.

Why would you focus on this.....

"WANT their son to drink so much to the point that they get annoyed, confused and disappointed when he can’t drink with his Sunday roast because he’s driving home"

And not look closer to how HIS choices and actions cause you to argue repeatedly re drinking at Sunday roast? YOU must be "annoyed, confused and disappointed". They are not holding him to the ground and force feeding him alcohol ..... he is choosing to fight with you so that he can continue to drink. Soon you will hyper-vigilent monitoring his intake and he will call you the nag.

Well done for not gtting embroiled with his DM - but he didnt tell her to back off - hes just trying to appease her OVER you.

Honestly you and your future babies deserve so much more than being enmeshed in this emotionally harmful alcoholic family. Anyone can do better than this.

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I won’t be having children, but you’re still right and I understand what you’re saying. My mum agrees with you because when she had me she split up with my dad because he was in the pub all the time and chose drinking over me and over being a family. And she said she can see the same thing happening. Although, he doesn’t really do that in any other situation. Like he doesn’t actually go out that much anymore, he just goes out on a Friday night after work. But whenever his family are involved it’s like he can’t say no to his mum

OP posts:

AnnieSnap · 16/11/2024 00:10

exaltedwombat · 15/11/2024 23:37

Oh, did she drip-feed? Can’t be doing with that.

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No, she updated 🙄

StrugglingAlways · 15/11/2024 23:41

Smokedicecream · 15/11/2024 23:25

I don’t want his mum to spoil the relationship. However I do have my doubts. But there’s so many good parts to the relationship. The only problem with the actual relationship is that he drinks a bit more than I’d like. His family encourage it, it’s very weird. I’m not sure why anyone would actively WANT their son to drink so much to the point that they get annoyed, confused and disappointed when he can’t drink with his Sunday roast because he’s driving home 😳 one of the reasons his mum didn’t like me at the start was because she thought I was going to stop him from going out every weekend. She sees that as the ultimate idea of a good time and can’t fathom that he did that when he was single but now he doesn’t want to as much because we do other fun things together instead.

Anyway, that’s obviously not what this thread is about. It’s about the holiday thing. But I can’t help going on a rant when I talk about her.

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"Anyway, that’s obviously not what this thread is about."

It is though. He is a problematic drinker. Look at HIS actions - not theirs.

Why would you focus on this.....

"WANT their son to drink so much to the point that they get annoyed, confused and disappointed when he can’t drink with his Sunday roast because he’s driving home"

And not look closer to how HIS choices and actions cause you to argue repeatedly re drinking at Sunday roast? YOU must be "annoyed, confused and disappointed". They are not holding him to the ground and force feeding him alcohol ..... he is choosing to fight with you so that he can continue to drink. Soon you will hyper-vigilent monitoring his intake and he will call you the nag.

Well done for not gtting embroiled with his DM - but he didnt tell her to back off - hes just trying to appease her OVER you.

Honestly you and your future babies deserve so much more than being enmeshed in this emotionally harmful alcoholic family. Anyone can do better than this.

exaltedwombat · 15/11/2024 23:37

AnnieSnap · 15/11/2024 23:34

I like this 👍 but things have moved on. Have a look at the OPs updates.

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Oh, did she drip-feed? Can’t be doing with that.

AnnieSnap · 15/11/2024 23:35

itsmylife7 · 15/11/2024 19:07

No update yet !

Yes there is

AnnieSnap · 15/11/2024 23:34

exaltedwombat · 15/11/2024 17:41

Reply, assuring her that her not wanting to join in with activities didn’t spoil your holiday at all, and apologies are unnecessary!

I like this 👍 but things have moved on. Have a look at the OPs updates.

AnnieSnap · 15/11/2024 23:30

Smokedicecream · 15/11/2024 22:56

Thanks so much for all of the replies. I didn’t end up responding to her text. I spoke to DP about it when he got home. The problem is, the way he deals with her is just to ignore her and tells me to do the same. His suggestion was just to completely ignore her and neither of us respond but I wasn’t comfortable with that. So he rang her and asked her what the text was about. Amongst other things, she said that I could have made more of an effort to stay up and have fun and that there was one day in particular when it rained so we went to a spa indoors and had a massage and used the sauna etc and she felt really upset because she was just sat in the hotel lobby on her own reading her book and she felt like we intentionally left her out and didn’t give her a thought. I would understand this if we didn’t invite her to stuff but we did! DP said you could’ve come with us at any point but she said they were all things that she hates doing and wasn’t comfortable with so didn’t want to do it for the sake of being together. And rather than consider her we were just like “okay bye!”

I ended up piping up and just saying it’s clear that we have different holidaying tastes and this wasn’t done maliciously at all. However she carried on arguing so I just left the room and let DP deal with it.

Edited

And yet she expected you to “do things you weren’t comfortable with just to be together”! What a piece of work she is 🙄

Original poster

Smokedicecream · 15/11/2024 23:25

healthybychristmas · 15/11/2024 23:08

Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship? I think his mother has tremendous control over him and is going to be a nightmare in future years. You've only been with him a short time and she is already coming on holiday with you. That really isn't usual. I wonder whether your boyfriend will revert back to his family type in later years.

I don’t want his mum to spoil the relationship. However I do have my doubts. But there’s so many good parts to the relationship. The only problem with the actual relationship is that he drinks a bit more than I’d like. His family encourage it, it’s very weird. I’m not sure why anyone would actively WANT their son to drink so much to the point that they get annoyed, confused and disappointed when he can’t drink with his Sunday roast because he’s driving home 😳 one of the reasons his mum didn’t like me at the start was because she thought I was going to stop him from going out every weekend. She sees that as the ultimate idea of a good time and can’t fathom that he did that when he was single but now he doesn’t want to as much because we do other fun things together instead.

Anyway, that’s obviously not what this thread is about. It’s about the holiday thing. But I can’t help going on a rant when I talk about her.

OP posts:

healthybychristmas · 15/11/2024 23:08

Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship? I think his mother has tremendous control over him and is going to be a nightmare in future years. You've only been with him a short time and she is already coming on holiday with you. That really isn't usual. I wonder whether your boyfriend will revert back to his family type in later years.

Original poster

Smokedicecream · 15/11/2024 22:56

Thanks so much for all of the replies. I didn’t end up responding to her text. I spoke to DP about it when he got home. The problem is, the way he deals with her is just to ignore her and tells me to do the same. His suggestion was just to completely ignore her and neither of us respond but I wasn’t comfortable with that. So he rang her and asked her what the text was about. Amongst other things, she said that I could have made more of an effort to stay up and have fun and that there was one day in particular when it rained so we went to a spa indoors and had a massage and used the sauna etc and she felt really upset because she was just sat in the hotel lobby on her own reading her book and she felt like we intentionally left her out and didn’t give her a thought. I would understand this if we didn’t invite her to stuff but we did! DP said you could’ve come with us at any point but she said they were all things that she hates doing and wasn’t comfortable with so didn’t want to do it for the sake of being together. And rather than consider her we were just like “okay bye!”

I ended up piping up and just saying it’s clear that we have different holidaying tastes and this wasn’t done maliciously at all. However she carried on arguing so I just left the room and let DP deal with it.

OP posts:

Deeperthantheocean · 15/11/2024 22:24

If I was the Mum and my son and girlfriend of just over a year were on holiday I would completely expect they would have far more fun things to do together! Go and enjoy yourselves, see you at mealtimes maybe lol 😆 I would like to go on some of their trips but appreciate they want to be just together. X

Askingforafriendtoday · 15/11/2024 21:10

StrugglingAlways · 15/11/2024 20:28

It's not about you, what you did or didn't do, it's about her sadness.

It is about the OP tho, as the MIL has targeted her repeatedly and continuosly with malicious bullying stunts. This is just another - disguised in a velvet glove.

Keep yourself out of punching distance from this bitter drunk - 'poor me, poor me, pour me another'........if she is lonely its because everyone else swerves the tedious, offensive, bore. You reep what you sow. She will not mellow - she will get worse with age.

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Actually, all fair points. I made the mistake of posting in a rush before I'd read all OP's posts, lesson learnt. Her DP's mum does sound to be a manipulative nightmare

Biffbaff · 15/11/2024 20:50

Jesus Christ. She and the rest of his family sound boring as fuck.

laraitopbanana · 15/11/2024 20:44

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 10:20

Not yet, she text me this morning so I will be telling him when he gets home from work tonight

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Hi op,

don’t answer his mother. It is a golden rule 👌🏼

ignore, ignore, ignore.

if she mentions it : » oh I thought dp answered you? » answer will be yes. Leave it at that.

Good luck 👌🏼🌺

Laiste · 15/11/2024 20:40

Even if it sounded like your partner had your back, i'd say you should think very carefully about how much you love him, because this relationship is going to be full of problems to do with his mother and his wider family.

BUT - it doesn't even sound as if, even in this 'honeymoon' bit of the relationship when the sun is meant to be shinning out of your arse for him, he's putting you first. The drinking, the staying up late with his mother (drinking), the acceptance of her flaunting the ex in your face in various ways .... you aren't no.1. Sorry.

Chuck him back OP. Seriously. It's not looking good. There's plenty of better fish in the sea.

StrugglingAlways · 15/11/2024 20:28

Askingforafriendtoday · 15/11/2024 20:10

Yes, good response. Just being friendly and sympathetic, it doesn't need to be about blame, apologising etc. She texted you, perhaps reaching out woman to to woman, if she'd wanted to text her son she could have. It's not about you, what you did or didn't do, it's about her sadness.

Show quote history

It's not about you, what you did or didn't do, it's about her sadness.

It is about the OP tho, as the MIL has targeted her repeatedly and continuosly with malicious bullying stunts. This is just another - disguised in a velvet glove.

Keep yourself out of punching distance from this bitter drunk - 'poor me, poor me, pour me another'........if she is lonely its because everyone else swerves the tedious, offensive, bore. You reep what you sow. She will not mellow - she will get worse with age.

Askingforafriendtoday · 15/11/2024 20:10

MigraineHangover · 14/11/2024 10:37

You don't need to apologise.

I'd say something like 'thanks for sharing your feelings with me. I'm sorry to hear you feel lonely and seeing DP and I so happy together as a couple has compounded those feelings. If there's anything I can do to support you, let me know. Maybe we could grab a coffee at some point'

Yes, good response. Just being friendly and sympathetic, it doesn't need to be about blame, apologising etc. She texted you, perhaps reaching out woman to to woman, if she'd wanted to text her son she could have. It's not about you, what you did or didn't do, it's about her sadness.

Yoonimum · 15/11/2024 19:56

Your BF needs to talk to his mum and tell her straight that contacting you regards any perceived holiday disappointment or comparing you to his ex is not on. Also, that she needs to stop seeing you as the problem. He has made his choice and if she can't accept that she is on a fast track to seeing very little of him. Get him to support you or reconsider your relationship. If you end up long term/with kids and he doesn't stand up to her your life will be hell. She sounds awfully immature.

CalmBalonz · 15/11/2024 19:16

She is being an arsehole. You did try to include her and she did not want not want to know. You have nothing to apologise for. She was being entitled, selfish and petty and is continuing this behaviour. She owes you an apology if anything and stop giving you shit. Tell your partner.

AnnieSnap · 15/11/2024 19:13

Please disregard my previous response. I have now read your updates (I should have done that before responding). She is not worth a reply from you. Just let your partner deal with her.

Buffs · 15/11/2024 19:09

His mother sounds unreasonable and unpleasant. Don’t apologize, don’t humour her and don’t give her the benefit of the doubt again.

itsmylife7 · 15/11/2024 19:07

No update yet !