Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

The drinking is a huge red flag.

Like he doesn’t actually go out that much anymore, he just goes out on a Friday night after work. But whenever his family are involved it’s like he can’t say no to his mum.

His family are likely to be alcoholics as they view drinking alcohol as an essential part of their lives and can’t seem to fathom that life is perfectly fine without having to drink alcohol.

I’d be worried that your partner will slowly slip further into their ways because his mum clearly wants him to behave exactly like them. She sounds scared of sobriety otherwise, she would have accepted him not drinking with them at lunchtime, like any normal person would.

Does he accept his family has a drink problem? Is he able to have just two drinks in an evening then switch to non alcoholic or does he carry on drinking to keep up with his family and friends?

My DH grew up with an alcoholic father and thought drinking was normal and fine too but after years of serious drinking, he’s been sober for over 30yrs now.

There are so many lovely men out there.

There are fewer who actually have their feet on the ground and make their own decisions and stand by them.

If you marry and have kids, this is the tone. He will ignore problems or go along with his family because he perceives it as easier. Or worse, he is two faced and happy for you to perceive them as the problem when he actually enjoys the drinking dynamic. Its not sexy.

I'm sure he is a lovely boyfriend but perhaps not the man to marry and have kids with. These are the kind of issues that result in breakups of long term relationships just before your 30s, when you realise you're going to be saddling yourself with this dynamic for life and bringing a child into it.

Trust me, there are men that don't do this and as you getnolder you realise you are picking a father for your kids, not a hot boyfriend who tu have fun with. Both stages are OK. But I don't think anyone talks about this stuff enough.

Please look to yourself and your boyfriend. This is your and his life, not hers. Imagine if she became your mother in law. Set the rules now so you don't have to back track years down the line if you do get married. She is an adult and must be responsible for her own social life.

Jeez why did you ever entertain the idea of holidaying with her???

FWIW I’d be giving a sharp response to that text “a shame you didn’t want to join in on all the things we invited you to, staying up late drinking and lying by a pool all day really not my thing on holiday, I hope you find a like minded holiday buddy in future”

My top tip is to speak to the emotion not the facts.
Factually you did nothing wrong. Emotionally, BF’s mum is sad and lonely.

I would reply “Reading this was really hard. I’m so sorry you felt that way. I want you to know you’re a very significant person in our lives. We hate the thought of you being lonely and I’m so glad you were able to share your feelings with us. Sending a big hug”

She doesn't sound upset with you, more upset with some aspects of her life, illuminated by the holiday.

Thank her for the generous discount and say how much you loved the holiday and the times you spent getting to know her too.
Say that you are sorry she feels so lonely and maybe it's time for her to look for a new partner.

If she asks you on holiday again, suggest she brings along a friend who likes similar relaxation.

This for sure!

It's so interesting that he says his approach is to just ignore her when she messages like that. My husband has the very same approach with his controlling and manipulative parents. As soon as they met she turned on me in just the same way you described. Messages to tell me off, express disappointment and let me know she's not happy. 18 years and two children later we have rubbed along like this until the straw that broke the camels back a couple of months ago when she started messaging me almost obsessively. I just saw the light and did exactly the same and stopped responding. She's left me alone since but we have met them for a sunday dinner. It was overly polite and fake but I've accepted that's the way now and I will ignore any negative messages too. I would also say watch out for the overly nice ones or the ones asking questions out of the blue. Manipulative people can be very underhand

She sounds very lonely, it has come to a head as you have identified. I hope she is not angry with you, it is most likely that she is letting out her emotions, it is good she feels she can but not good to be done in a way that it upsets you. Maybe the accidental tone of the text is harsh, perhaps she would be horrified to hear how she has come across.
Text her “ Julie, I am so sorry we spent less time with you than you would have liked. I honestly thought you liked quiet sun time and were happy for us to do our thing. We definitely did not want to cause you upset but I am really worried that you sound a little bit cross with me. I hope we can have a coffee and chat and put this behind us. I am always here if you need a listening ear. Much love Emma.”

In an imaginary message you do not send....

"I can't apolgise for not being a big drinker.
Nor for not being XGF.
Nor that you are single & seeing us as a couple highlights this.
Nor that we are of another generation, who don't exclusively want to lie by the pool.
We offered at every turn to include you but you refused
BF stayed up to hold up the bar with you, I did not complain.

This is not really a "me" problem.
I really thank you for enabling us to get a reduced cost holiday.
You should go on holiday again with some closer friends who want to lizard by the pool bar & not blame me that we do not have the same expectations of a holiday

What did she expect! She's a bit immature and needy. Show you partner and let him deal. I think if you reply. Sorry to hear this it may antagonise the situation. Equally her issues are nothing to do with you and she shouldn't be making you feel guilty. Definitely no further holidays with her.

Just be vague and say sorry you didn't enjoy the holiday. And leave it to your bf to give excuses.

He's probably fine as a boyfriend but not an ideal father for your kids. He himself might be, but the in law package would be hard work. You'd never want to leave the baby around drinkers.

So maybe think about that depending on your age and stage of life.

I am in rather parallel, if somewhat odd situation.

I live with a couple and their daughter. I am older than the couple

They take me with them on most if not all their trips and holidays.

I am grateful and I fit in. That's the only way to be.

Oh come on. You can't possibly say that from the snippets of info on a thread. Have some empathy for a lonely older woman.

Exactly this. She's lonely. Don't stick the boot in. If she's starts being unreasonable, then you may have to get firmer with her.

I see this as wishful thinking post holiday,it was lovely but would be better if I had my own company while you had fun,don't be surprised if she does go and do this her boy has a girl of his own now time to get on with her own life.

Welcome to your future wife !

Maybe this is what she is looking for, just empathy? Depends on the kind ofnperson she is, but she may just be confiding on you, rather than angry or blaming you or wanting you to apologise?

Did your partner used to go on his own with his mum before you came along?

It sounds like she's upset that she didn't spend enough time with him, not necessarily you as a couple.

This

I wouldn't send him the texts, show him them later. Sending them makes a bigger deal of it. Say, l think we've upset your mum. Can you have a word. Or something like that. But as everyone else is saying, you've done nothing wrong. Poolside holidays are boring, imo. You gave her every chance to join you.

Why do you feel the need to apologise she's a grown woman who clearly acted brattish she obviously needs to find some groups that she can holiday with or go out with and sounds like she's missing that wanted feeling, some mothers just find a way to know how to switch the emotions and its not fair that this is reflecting on you thus why send you those type of messages surely seems she's very insecure and misses being young maybe suggest to her she having a mid life crisis and suggest to venture online at sites based on other lonely adults wanting friendship walks holidays there are websites designed for that and not all for just dating don't you feel you need to go out your way for a stroppy mother who was included in everything and wanted no part if it was me I'd say you ruined it for yourself most part and that your sorry she feels this way maybe also suggest the threesome holidays is a no go in future to save this very embarrassing for her situation

This woman sounds awful. I wouldn’t spend anytime in her company.

Listen to your Mum.

She knows you, loves you and wants whats best for you. It was brave of her to speak out.

He must be showing enough behaviours for her to notice and raise it with you.

I wish mine had told me what she could see from her position of life exprience in middle age rather than leave me with my unconscious denial and rose tinted glasses. I cant tell you how grim it gets. Even if your OH goes teetotal he has two aging alcoholics on his hands to manage - their rapidly declining physical health, mental health and chaotic lifestyle. They may be 'functional' right now but the wheels soon start falling off and his spare time will be spent dealing with crisis after crisis. At any event you will be hypervigilent as their behaviour will be shameful - this is no way to live.

Its also not just the chemical impact of the alcohol on the individual its the bitter, nasty, manipulative personality that is present 24/7 (arguably worse when 'not drinking' ie hungover) and that is always in need of a target to discharge on.

Dont let it be you.