Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

I’m honestly surprised at all these replies suggesting you reach out to her because she’s realised she’s lonely.

1 - people capable of self reflection don’t send texts complaining about their “realisations” to their son’s partners

2 - she gets a huge discount on holidays and yet had no one else to go with? Huge red flag! Three guesses why she’s lonely.

I wouldn't be messaging her at all. I'd forward the message to my boyfriend and ask him to respond.

"Sorry you felt that way. I had doubts about the holiday for the exact reasons you've mentioned but Dave said it would be fun. if you're lonely maybe join some clubs or get on a dating site"

DP needs to deal with that.
And I'd refuse to go on holiday with her ever again.

Really not your fault at all.

What she's realised is that she is lonely. I think maybe she expected you to want the same things she did, and you didn't. That was her assumption.

Reading your replies it sounds like her idea of a holiday is sunbathing all day and staying up late at night.

Whereas you prefer to explore and do stuff then have a good sleep to be ready for the next day.

You sound respectful and you tried to include her every time.

I'd say you if you go away together again she needs to take a friend that likes what she likes. So you are a group of four.

I would put good money on her not liking the ex either...

You need to nip this whole “going on holiday with the MIL” thing in the bud, especially as you said that the two of you “tolerate” each other. Looking into my crystal call, I see you two vying for your boyfriend’s attention in a tug-of-war on these holidays. Her staff discount just isn’t worth the hassle. Lesson learned.

Ah, that's a salient update... at first I thought she was seeing you as her 'support animal'... I had to fight this with my DH - his mother's notion that, as a woman, it was my 'duty' to keep her company and listen to her monologues while he zoned out...

But now it sounds like she doesn't like you, and this holiday is just a lever to get at you... Why tell you, not her son? Because she wants to pin you as the source of trouble - and her subtext is now out in the open: 'You're coming between me and my baby boy!' Some MILs will see all women like this, and nothing you can do will change her mind. Seeing you have fun with him would have made her more jealous.

You and your partner will have to be on the same page about this - some men just capitulate to Mama for a quiet life, some make it clear to her that they are in an adult relationship. But don't feel obliged to step in and compensate for her lack of a partnership - frankly, do you think she wants to see more of you? Or is it her DS she wants?

I would do a non-apology. You have nothing to apologise for, she is not unreasonable to be disappointed that the holiday didn’t meet her (unspoken) expectations but she is unreasonable to try and put those feelings on you.

”sorry to hear that you feel that way, MIL. DP and I enjoy exploring and that’s why we invited you to join us in these activities. We aren’t really lay-by-the-pool people. It seems our holiday styles are quite different so joint holidays in future probably won’t work for us. On the whole we had a great time and really enjoyed spending some time with you”

…and never holiday with her again!

Sorry but telling someone else’s mother they’re “loved and appreciated” is bananas. She’s only been with the man a year, and the mother sounds like a nightmare.

Just say, so sorry we thought you were happy to just laze by the pool with your books, you didn't seem to want to come out on trips with us you would have been very welcome to join us. Perhaps if we did something like that again you could bring a friend?

It really isn't perfect. This bit: "and seeing DP and I so happy together as a couple.." is awful. So smug, and rubbing salt in her wounds.

Do not reply.

Let your bf deal with her. And don’t go on holidays with her again.

It’s time she found her own friends to go away with. Avoid avoid avoid or she will become your problem.

Just seen your update. Why did she message you and not her son? What was the bad start about?

Maybe because the couple she was with consisted of her son and his girlfriend she was taken by surprise at feeling like a gooseberry. That isn’t anyone’s fault but perhaps it could have been mitigated a little by you going off yourself and letting her have some one to one time with her son on occasion. She might not have expected that you two would be together constantly. Although it is understandable that you were. I have holidayed with PIL and always liked to make sure that DH got to do something with them. Or MIL and I sometimes went somewhere that interested us. It’s important that everyone gets to feel catered for if you agree to holiday together. I think it is good that she has raised this if it can be worked through constructively all three of you.

As someone who is widowed and lives alone, I do understand how hard it can be to watch others having a great time together, holding hands, sharing in jokes etc., but that is just how it is and is not your fault. You offered for her to go with you to the things you wished to do and she chose not to, so that is down to her.

I would let the dust settle a bit and just reply that you are sorry she felt like that and hope that she did find things to enjoy on the holiday.

She always was going to be a third wheel and should have recognised that beforehand.

I have been on hos with my AC and have always made it clear that I am happy that we do our own things - the aim is that each should get something out of the holiday and it is not possible to always want to do the same things.

Did she pay for the holiday?

If she paid for it, she may have been expecting you to all spend more time together on her terms, rather than you two going off on your own all the time and treating it like a holiday of your own, what did you do in the evenings? Did you spend time together then? or did you go out as a two again?

I think my answer would be a bit different depending on who paid.

If you split the cost then you are entitled to enjoy the holiday exactly as you wanted, if she paid, you should both have made more of an effort to spend time all together rather than going off and treating it like a free holiday.

Either way, your boyfriend should deal with it or you should talk to her in person.. text messages are going to be misconstrued and will make it worse to be honest.

If she’s not generally a bit of a twat, I’d pull on my kindness pants. Maybe suggest you and her doing something like visiting a Christmas market and use it to gently discuss ways she could improve her social life.

If you think this is your relationship for life, she’s going to be your MIL one day.

Of course if she is generally a bit of a twat, roll your eyes and let your partner deal with it.

Next time you'll have to bring a friend... or a boyfriend

That seems like rubbing salt in the wound. I’d be extremely surprised if that went down well.

I would not respond before having talked about this with your BF. It’s his DM and he’ll know how to handle this.

This is really great advice OP

You need to put firm boundaries in place with her now before she ends up being your future mil from hell. Ridiculous woman. If she’s lonely she needs to make her own circle of friends, not rely on you two to fill the voids. Definitely let your dp deal with her (but suggest you both discuss what he should say) or you will be her default recipient for complaining.