Is OnlyFans a harmless outlet or am I right to be mad?

"Everyone does it" is the justification used by liars, cheaters, defrauders and slimebuckets of all kinds.

No, everyone does not do it. Decent blokes, monogamous blokes, blokes who respect women don't do it.

This " all men" justification is infuriating.
It's a way of trying to brainwash women into accepting unacceptable behaviour.

All men don't do it. He's a fool trying to justify his actions.

I know not all, but on a general level, it seems to be true.

This is so sad. I hope you have loads of support x

For me I'd consider this as cheating. I do think that OF has become very 'mainstream' now so I can see how boundaries could become blurred and two people in a relationship could have differing feelings on the matter but to be honest his reaction to you challenging him on it is what gets me the most. He's been defensive and completely dismissed your feelings and basically said he'll do what he wants and will continue even though it makes you uncomfortable. Telling you that all men do it is kind of gaslighting behaviour and it's not true.

I do find it seedy and for me a partner paying (even small amounts) of money towards accessing a womans body is unacceptable. I do think it crosses a line when it's more interactive than regular porn as well. Couples have virtual intimacy when long distance- so doing that with another woman when you're in a monogamous relationship is absolutely cheating and disrespecting your spouse.

Sorry but I find this view a bit ridiculous. By all means set paying for porn as your personal red line but to suggest it is akin to using a sex worker - it really isn't.

Do you believe digital sex work isn't sex work?
I am a former sex worker - I had an OnlyFans account myself. I know how it works and what men use it for, which is why I would not tolerate it in my own relationships. OnlyFans is a lot more intimate than standard porn because it offers interaction - and that is the appeal to the men who use it and why they are willing to pay for it instead of using free sites. They really aren't giving a hoot about the ethical side of it...
Fair enough if a man is single, but if he has a partner who is expecting a monogamous relationship then he really has no business being on OF (unless his partner is fine with it of course.)

Only fans is cheating.

It's one thing if they watch a bit of porn here and there...still gross but whatever. But only fans is interactive, interactive is cheating.

You can still private message the content creators even only paying the subscription fee. The only way to confirm exactly what he did is to ask for access to his account and check his inbox - I would suggest doing this if you are concerned a boundary has been crossed.

But they're really not all like that. There are so many men with lower drives as evidenced in all the threads here.
So it's not inevitable that they have to be like this, and women don't have to accept it.
But yeah you're right it does all feel like a cruel joke

It's not about the women being in control, it's about her partner taking a liking to these specific women so he can wank to their bodies. Bet they're all young too.
It's full stop sleazy and yes it's prostitution. I would be so grossed out by him and wouldn't be able to feel attracted to him anymore. Keep your standards OP

I wouldn’t forgive my partner if he did this behind my back. I’d be annoyed at the fact he was paying to subscribe to another woman for a start…

I'm in the same situation only 6 months pregnant. I'm 2 months down the line from when I found out and we have pretty much seperated. No matter how I look at it there is something personal that he wanted by paying and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again.

All the research points towards exploitation, rape and trafficking linked to OF. I mean I'm not surprised but I wouldn't automatically assume that you can tell ethical from not.

All men don't do this.

Most men don't pay for porn, even single, it's free.

Paying to follow an individual or individual is seedy and not the commonly done thing.

It seems to me that a truism of life is that men are much more sexual than women. Yes, I know this is a generalisation, but usually men want sex more than women, want more variety, think about it more, and it's often just so much more important to them than it is to us. In terms of reproduction, it makes sense. Where would humanity be without men's insane drive to have sex?

Always struck me as Nature's little joke, though. Sexual attraction throws people together and then it turns out that they frequently have this basic incompatibility that often drives them apart. The whole set-up makes me 🤬

This difference between men and women is what makes me VERY wary to get married again. I had NO idea how sex-driven men are until I married one.

It seems to me that we would be happier accepting that many men need more sexual stimulation than us. I'd be so hurt too, btw. I'm not judging. We all want to be forever the one and only desired. But maybe that's not reality? I don't know what the answer is. (For me, it's not to marry again, but I know that doesn't do you much good right now.)

The only good thing about it is that at least he's not having an affair with a real person involving feelings and sex etc.

Not ok with me.

To me it's no worse than porn so it depends what your boundaries on that are.
It might have a more personal feel than, say, Pornhub but it isn't actually more personal - not unless he's paying out a lot of money. It is likely pay-per-view type shows that will have a lot of subscribers. It's no more personal than having a preference for a particular porn star.

OnlyFans is a lot more personal than porn and most people would regard it as cheating with a sex worker.
Sorry but I find this view a bit ridiculous. By all means set paying for porn as your personal red line but to suggest it is akin to using a sex worker - it really isn't.
I'd actually prefer someone to use Onlyfans than Pornhub (for example) as there's a better chance the woman has control over her own work and is recieving the money directly.

This would be something id find really difficult to move past.

Hope you can resolve it but unfortunately that is seedy and money/attention badly spent!

Personally I feel that only fans is more ethical than other porn, IF you're single and subscribing to it, as the women are in charge of thier own content and money. It's more personal though being able to follow, subscribe and message the women which would make it very hurtful in a relationship for me and much closer to cheating.

You say you've seen it on bank statements, is this a joint bank account? I'd be furious if so.

Does it matter how many women it was?
He was paying women for a sexual service.
He was cheating on you.

For me the issue would be how he has responded - very defensive and making you the problem, and the secrecy. I would explain to him (as you have) that him using OF makes you deeply uncomfortable, and ask him why he has reacted as he has. It sounds a bit like his reaction comes from a place of shame or embarrassment? Could this be true? I’m sure many people would see subscribing to OF as “lame”, and it’s possible he does too (deep down) but his use of the website is a way to express something he’s unable to with you or even himself. Using OF is not “normal”.

This would give me the ick.