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Original poster

Is OnlyFans a harmless outlet or am I right to be mad?

88 replies

Diamona63 · 13/11/2024 21:38

I discovered by seeing credit card statements that my partner of 8 years has been paying on and off for OnlyFans for the last couple of years. I didn't realise what it was at first because it was 'OF' on the statements.

I feel sick! It's not a huge amount but it feels seedy. I challenged him on this but calmly and he became very defensive, saying 'all men do this' and 'if you want a monk go find one's.

It's not a decent thing to do in a trusting relationship is it?

OP posts:
WendyA22 · 18/11/2024 19:08

Anonymityisvital · 13/11/2024 22:07

Does it matter how many women it was?
He was paying women for a sexual service.
He was cheating on you.

Show quote history

From reading another post earlier this week $5 won't get him much at all as that is for the subscription only

Disturbia81 · 18/11/2024 15:04

PacificAtlantic · 18/11/2024 14:38

His money - his choice. It’s pretty seedy but it isn’t cheating or breaking the law.
Shared money - absolutely not ok, you didn’t agree to it in advance and it’s been a hidden spend you weren’t aware of and from the sound of things don’t agree with.

It is cheating to many, read the posts..

PacificAtlantic · 18/11/2024 14:38

His money - his choice. It’s pretty seedy but it isn’t cheating or breaking the law.
Shared money - absolutely not ok, you didn’t agree to it in advance and it’s been a hidden spend you weren’t aware of and from the sound of things don’t agree with.

Disturbia81 · 18/11/2024 14:34

@MankHarvin They have "madonna/whore complex", certain women are objects they can wank into and degrade but no they wouldn't want the same done to their family.

ItGhoul · 18/11/2024 14:33

It's not a decent thing to do in a trusting relationship is it?

As with everything - this is a boundary you're entitled to have. For some couples it might be fine, for others it might not.

I have no objection to my partner looking at porn in general. I don't know if he still does (he definitely did when we first met, many years ago now) but I would consider it none of my business. I sometimes look at porn and I don't consider that any of his business either.

But... I would, however, think it was different if he was spending money every month to subscribe to a specific model's OnlyFans where you can interact and send messages etc. To me personally, that's different from just watching a video of random people having sex. That's where the boundary would be for me.

FWIW, I certainly believe that the vast majority of men, whether they're in relationships or not, look at some form of porn (or at the very least, pictures of beautiful women) at some point. But he's talking bollocks if he's trying to tell you that all men pay for OnlyFans content - of course they don't.

Disturbia81 · 18/11/2024 14:33

TheDogBartholomew · 18/11/2024 13:51

It's not a decent thing to do in a trusting relationship is it?

I don't think so. Your partner has actively sought sexual arousal from women other than you. Whether he pays for it is not really the point.

Exactly

MankHarvin · 18/11/2024 14:17

Terribletooths · 13/11/2024 21:58

But so much porn is free, paying for it just seems a bit chump-y….

I find porn disgusting and exploitative regardless if it someone is paying or not but I've seen many people on here who think all men use porn and that men who say they don't are lying, argue that they pay to watch women because it reduces the chances of "accidentally" masturbating to a woman who doesn't want to be in the industry and is coerced, trafficked, funding addiction or in poverty and they think by paying it means it's more ethical.

I've had discussions with people in real life who see it as harmless fun but a lot of the time the same men say they'd "not allow" or disown their daughter, wife, sister or mother if they chose to enter sex work. They argue it's just a job like any other until a woman in their family is the one being fucked or charging strangers to see their genitals.

AnotherVice · 18/11/2024 14:03

@Brazenhussy0 Can you see any content without a subscription?

TheDogBartholomew · 18/11/2024 13:51

It's not a decent thing to do in a trusting relationship is it?

I don't think so. Your partner has actively sought sexual arousal from women other than you. Whether he pays for it is not really the point.

MightyGoldBear · 18/11/2024 13:13

I'd really recommend that everyone reads Dr omar minwhallas secret sexual basement and integrity abuse.
Here's a link for a quick overview but you can also download his whole paper on it.
www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/

Whilst clearly common unfortunately, it is absolutely not something anyone needs to just accept in a relationship. I personally will not be in a relationship with anyone who uses pornography or any unhealthy sexual content.

Really sorry you're going through this op. Check out love after porn on reddit for support and resources.

DangerousAlchemy · 18/11/2024 13:03

Yuck!! How would he feel if you said to him - 'I've asked all my friends and co-workers and they all agree you're gross using OF plus none of them do it' - would that make him feel ashamed? if he thinks all men do it then why has it been a secret for 8 years? I'd be alarmed he's into some kinky shit tbh 🤷‍♀️

TinyFlamingo · 18/11/2024 13:02

Sceptical123 · 13/11/2024 23:28

This is so sad. I hope you have loads of support x

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You are so strong sugargliderwombat x

Abbyant · 18/11/2024 12:59

While I’m not bothered if my partner watches porn I would be bothered about him paying for it when porn hub is free.

Attelina · 14/11/2024 11:57

'I challenged him on this but calmly and he became very defensive, saying 'all men do this''

No not all men pay to watch a woman finger herself on camera etc.

He is utterly repulsive. Dump him.

NoisyDenimShaker · 14/11/2024 11:50

Disturbia81 · 14/11/2024 09:32

@NoisyDenimShaker You're right, and it's one of the reasons I love being single. Even though I've been with good men who don't, it does feel like most and I just don't want to deal with it.

Yup. And the fact that you have no control over, and can't tell, which men it will be.

CookieMonster28 · 14/11/2024 09:48

Ponderingwindow · 13/11/2024 21:46

In my relationship that would count as cheating.

1000000% agree

Disturbia81 · 14/11/2024 09:33

I wouldn't even be with a man who used it while single. All the women are tiny and young so it would show impossible preferences

Disturbia81 · 14/11/2024 09:32

@NoisyDenimShaker You're right, and it's one of the reasons I love being single. Even though I've been with good men who don't, it does feel like most and I just don't want to deal with it.

rwalker · 14/11/2024 09:31

It’s how you feel. If someone was on about it would that wouldn’t make any difference to how u feel

Disturbia81 · 14/11/2024 09:29

JustinThyme · 14/11/2024 02:20

"Everyone does it" is the justification used by liars, cheaters, defrauders and slimebuckets of all kinds.

No, everyone does not do it. Decent blokes, monogamous blokes, blokes who respect women don't do it.

Yep the classic line used by everyone doing something they shouldn't be doing.

Disturbia81 · 14/11/2024 09:28

Diamona63 · 14/11/2024 07:34

Thanks everyone so much for your responses, it means a lot.
It's his absolute refusal to speak about it and his insistence that I'm a jealous freak who blows up over the smallest thing that has made me realise I have to leave this loser. His minimizing and normalizing of this behavior has made him feel like a stranger. I feel a sadness for the man I thought I knew, who was sweet and kind and loving at the beginning.
But I must be strong and get his sorry arse out of my house and start to recover.

Good on you OP. He's gaslighting you.

Original poster
Diamona63 · 14/11/2024 07:34

Thanks everyone so much for your responses, it means a lot.
It's his absolute refusal to speak about it and his insistence that I'm a jealous freak who blows up over the smallest thing that has made me realise I have to leave this loser. His minimizing and normalizing of this behavior has made him feel like a stranger. I feel a sadness for the man I thought I knew, who was sweet and kind and loving at the beginning.
But I must be strong and get his sorry arse out of my house and start to recover.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 14/11/2024 04:31

It would be the end for me. I dont go out with men who watch porn and pay for prostitutes.
Even worse he's turning it round and trying to make you feel unreasonable. Yuck, what a prick.

RedR1ghtHand · 14/11/2024 03:46

Nope, that's grim.