To think some people get far in life by putting themselves first?

I went from being a complete mug, overtly generous and compassionate, to growing increasingly “self-oriented” in the last 5 years and it has RADICALLY changed my life.

5 years ago I was earning under minimum wage, working crazy hours (stupid me would do so many favors and extra hours for absolutely nothing, due to wanting to help out) for no recognition. I would be there for everybody rain or shine at 6 am or at 2 am if needed, whenever a friend went through something rough.

At the time it made me feel good, like I was part of the world I wanted to live in, one where we do things thinking with our heart and showing empathy and kindness to others and where time is the greatest gift.

Then I realized that people were appreciative of it BUT took it and me for granted and when I eventually burned out, nobody was there, nobody I was being considerate with was being considerate with me. While I was doing favors for free and putting in endless extra hours, for free, out of kindness my employers was underpaying me. The friends I would pick up the phone for at 4am wouldn’t have done the same for me.

So slowly I learned that was they were doing was putting their interests first. As they should. And then I realized that I couldn’t expect others to put my interest first because that was my job. I still believe in being kind and compassionate and doing good deeds, but in being selective and self-protective about it.

I completely changed my tune and guess what? My life completely changed as well.

5 years later and I am at the top earning bracket of my career. I own my own home (mortgage-free), and I have stopped getting burned out by my phone because while I remain present for my friends and loved ones, I do it in a way that works for ME.

I used to be so scared to rock the boat, at work, in friendships, in relationships, that even asking for the minimum seemed cheeky (!), well a few weeks ago I renegotiated a contract (that was already highly paid) and had them double my pay. I wouldn’t have thought I ever would dare do that 5 years ago. But once you start doing things you never thought you could do or that feel “cheeky”, you actually realize that not only are they not cheeky but that you might as well try. Very few time do you actually rock the boat. In my experience you either better your own life by starting to work towards the life YOU want to live, or you get rid of things/people that don’t work for you, anyway.

So yes, learning how to, and most importantly, WHEN to, put yourself first is a precious skill to learn and it does change lives.

In fact I am in many groups for people in my field of work and it’s crazy the amount of women who don’t dare to ask for what they are OWED (not even what they want just what they are entitled to) or who tolerate all sorts of abuse. I strongly believe that a lot of women are conditioned to believe that they can’t and/or won’t do better than what they are currently doing and just like me 5 years ago, would rather stay on that boat than rock it. It makes me so sad that little girls aren’t taught to look out for their own interests and act accordingly the way boys are. I believe the world would be a much different place if girls/women learned that skill early and workplaces would likely be much healthier places too.

And not all relationships are like yours, unfortunately. Many people need to look after themselves first, or they'll be screwed over.

I maintain selfishness is not a bad thing always. PP mentioned the oxygen mask. I agree.

But you can ensure your needs are met without being selfish. I put my husband’s needs before my own (within reason) and he puts mine before his. It’s loving and it’s kind and both of our needs are still met. There’s a big gap between selfish and a total doormat.

OneKindDreamer

I agree 100%

I live in a road and it seems full of selfish people and see it at work too

Sadly it has taken me 52 years to realise this I naively thought many people were more altruistic than they actually are ☹️

It depends. Many women could do with being more selfish in relationships. There's nothing wrong with showing people they can't walk all over you because you know what your priorities are. That goes for family and romantic relationships.

Being selfish pays in terms of career but do you really think it does in any other area of life? I totally agree that in terms of work you have to be brutal to get to the top or even want to get there. But I don’t think it enhances any other area.

Of course not. But putting yourself first, being selfish usually pays.

Sometimes you compromise on some matters for a family member, or another scenario can be you are a carer. The people OP is talking about would never be doing those sort of things.
Putting yourself first is a good thing but in some scenarios, it is selfish, e.g. a parent, who puts themselves first before their child's needs. Some men are like that, will put their career and social life before children and wife.

It’s taken me until my mid forties to even meet my needs let alone put them first. I have not been overlooked in my career, far from it. I’m confident and my voice is always heard but I don’t do it at the expense of others.
Yes, most people at “the top” of their fields probably are inherently selfish but I don’t think that’s the only way to succeed. (I’m not saying my way is the right way either, it’s a different way).

It is obvious, but it's to degrees. For example, I'm bad at networking at work. I don't take credit, I don't flag others errors etc. I don't really have it in me and (probably naively) think hard work is enough. But strategic behaviour can work wonders - if you know how to play the game and, crucially, are prepared to you'll progress faster. If you wanted to look it up further you could investigate why high functioning psycopaths are so successful. So you can put yourself first in a 'normal', boundaried way, I think, or in a more atypical way. I also think it's important to consider how you measure success. Kindness and empathy, for example, might not be measurable easily but are important

I only succeeded when I stopped giving a fuck about anybody but my immediate family.

i volunteered for hours on end and did crap in life as a result. I got nothing but grief in return from ungrateful bastards. I now make sure I’m at the forefront and live a very happy life.

Is that not just the law of survival?

Why wouldn’t you? Who else are you supposed to put first if not yourself?

That doesn’t mean that people who put themselves first intentionally hurt or undermine others, and I’m not sure why that assumption always gets lumped in with the very basic concept of being responsible for advocating for ourselves and ensuring our needs and wants are heard and that we protect our own interests. Other people are equally capable of drawing their own lines and taking care of their own interests.

Well yes obviously. And up to a point this is no bad thing tbh.

Obviously if taken to sociopathic extremes it’s problematic but people who spend their life putting others needs before their own tend to get walked on. Being generous and considerate are laudable traits but they make people easy to manipulate too.

To be honest it’s only really women who worry about this because men don’t waste time being considerate of others needs at work; which is one of the reasons they get promoted quicker and paid more.

Save being generous and considerate for people who deserve or need it, rather than being indiscriminate in your generosity.

Where in all this are you OP? Do you want to learn how to put yourself forward, considering your last question?

Do you really think voting is necessary on this one?

As easyJet says "Put your own mask on first"

Given that most people at the top of any government who run entire countries, can be diagnosed as clinically psychopathic, the same goes for the people at the top of corporations especially in finance.

It's fear, powerlessness and compliance of the rest of us that enable them though.

Yep. This should surprise no one.

Respectfully OP, this is a master class in stating the bleedin’ obvious.

It’s perhaps not so much putting one’s self first, it might be that some people are very clear about what they want from life. If you couple this with things like good decision making, helpful and supportive parents, being in a nice peer group, working hard at school/college/Uni, having the ability to adapt your chosen path, then meeting someone similar to spend the rest of your life with, sharing goals, lifestyle, hobbies, communications with each other well, throw in a bit of good luck every now and then……….

Seems obvious to me.