Daughter has changed her name

Seconding this, and also the advice to approach Bayswater, and the observations of the teacher upthread who linked autism to self-harm and also same sex attraction.

There are also a lot of threads on the Feminism board that may be of use/interest.

My experience, or one of my experiences at least, is that autistic children who are loners and don't fit in often gravitate towards the LGBT+ crowd because they get acceptance. Plus I think autistic kids struggle to process same sex attraction ("category error") and get sucked into online crap about how that "must mean" they're "really" trans.

Also, regarding gendered artefacts (hair clips etc) my experience of FTM trans kids in one of my DC's social circle is that they end up taking testosterone and growing facial hair, change their name to boys' names and expect everyone to collude in the fantasy that they're male, but they don't seem to change their behaviour from stereotypical "female" behaviour and hobbies etc. So they wear pink and have flowery tattoos and do crochet and knitting, and seem to think that makes them appear as gay men. They are also pleasant, well socialised and not above doing domestic tasks, unlike their MTF counterparts! All a wild generalisation of course, but the whole thing seems to be about taking wild generalisations and pretending they're the begininng and end of reality, to some extent.

I have a MTF trans child for context, and we have really been through it as a family. Sending love and strength to you OP.

They are qualified teachers. In Scotland to be a teacher you have to be.

Depends what you mean by influential but they are the first port of call for pupils struggling

True. But if your teenage child is unhappy with their name and wants a new one, who are you to refuse to call them by that name? And the school can’t refuse to use a preferred name either.

It's not, but I don't know a single male who would have any interest in a bow!

Massive link between ASD and trans/gender dysmorphia. I would do the research and talk to her. Sounds like this is escapism, perhaps led by online trans peer groups, rather than her actually thinking she's male.

Yet you don't get boys called Felicity, Arabella and Daisy.
It's a higher status to have male name.
Anyway. This isn't about the name, it's about a very vulnerable, unhappy and confused girl.

🙀

I think you are being a wonderfully supportive mum, and good for you for following her/his lead.

Try to respect your DD's lead and use her preferred name if you can (and remember to). This may be something that goes somewhere, or it may be something that passes in a few months. You'll know one way or the other.

Has your DD mentioned pronouns (or perhaps she did this anyway)? Is she happy being she/her or does he prefer he/him (or they)?

🙄

Thank you, I did wonder. Are they teachers or are they counsellors, and how influential are they?

It’s not really though - it’s a new name and it doesn’t say anything about pronouns in the OP. It’s social convention that some names are male and some are female anyway. And a lot of it is changing - there are girls named Taylor, James, Jamie, Ryan, Blake, Elliot, Evan and lots of other names that 40 years ago would have been seen as entirely male names. If she wants to be called something different to what you named her you should respect this just as you would if someone outside your family changed their name.

It sounds difficult to navigate, OP.

I really feel for your daughter. I suggest prioritising your relationship above all. Active listening. What with a younger child we'd call 'special time'- teens still need the attention, care and support if their parents even as they seem to push against it.

Do you have regular time together to do.something that you both enjoy?

I agree with all of this.

At this stage it isn’t really any different to a girl with long beautiful hair deciding to have it shaved into a boys hairstyle. She’s not changing her name legally, and even if she did, it can always be changed back again if she wishes.
Its upsetting to you as a parent, but it’s likely just a phase. It’s almost like a style choice these days (but obviously not in all cases). It might not be forever, and if it is, cross that bridge when you get to it.

To the PP who didn't know what a guidance teacher is, high schools in Scotland have them. I'm assuming the OP is in Scotland so any guidance should take into account Scottish rules/governance.

Can I recommend you find her a girls rugby club, they'll be begging for players and we've found them very inclusive autism wise. It's a social sport too which is great for the friends aspect. But more importantly it gives your DD strong and physical women to be around which for her might be really useful.

I suspect I have ASD and there was a period of time at school when I was gender confused although I was younger than your DD. I can imagine it is linked to trying to work out why you feel different to everyone else and wanting to find a community where you are understood as a “misfit”. The internet wasn’t really around then but I can imagine access to TikTok, Reddit or Facebook groups would’ve made me even more confused. Is there a way that she can connect with other people with ASD, even if it’s online?
If it helps, I grew out of the confusion. I’m happily a woman, although there are parts of my personality that could be considered “masculine” or “tomboyish”

reports and "neutral acts" are for politicians, not children.

respect his pronouns and call him by his name. otherwise, you run a high risk of alienating your son

Do you actually want to go along with this? You are supposed to be consulted. It sounds as if you were pressured.

What are you and school doing about the bullying and the loneliness? To me it sounds like you just accepted that, but now you get worked up about the name change. I would be very sad and calling school everyday if my child was bullied! I also think it is a defense mechanism… she is being left out, not heard and not accepted. Let’s try and be someone else.

I would continue to be the voice of reason at home and not go along with any of it, say her friends can call her what they like but you spent a lot of time choosing her name and that is the one you'll be using.

DD has never been into dresses and has always dressed from both the 'pink' and 'blue' sections, had a short hair style due to sensory issues

I had previously worked in a secondary and knew this could rear it's head due to her ASD so spent alot of time dropping in references to more androgenous people like Tilda Swinton etc. locked down her internet usage as ASD teens are drawn to gender ideology as they see it as warm and welcoming when they feel outer of kilter with the world around them opposed to the grooming cult it is.

She dabbled very briefly with it and then like many of my former 'Trans' female students said she was same sex attracted - that was no issue and it died a death from then.

DD has settled on her own style now, more Dark academia than anything lots of Disturbia, shirts and waistcoats in her wardrobe paired with a good smoky cat eye.

In my experience most of my 'Trans' female students were same sex attracted and it wasn't accepted at home and came out later, had experienced SA and it was safer being a 'man', were autistic and confused about the greyness of self expression and felt they needed to be in one box or the other. These students were often in the same friendship groups or same pecking order in different years. Often in class other students would bend over backwards to get their new name right so there was an element of attention in it, loved to correct staff and disrupt a lesson and then those same students would call the same sex attracted girl in the corner a 'Dyke' which I could never quite work out - I sanctioned them obviously.

The worst case I had was two students both had incredibly complex pasts, unmet emotional and MH needs, and really needed some significant input. Instead the school went along with it with the 'Trans' sticking plaster letting the students change their name frequently not giving them the strong boundaries both desperately needed to feel safe and secure from a tumultuous past and homelife and generally not giving them the actual help they needed.

Just be aware that self harmers also tend to go hand in hand with these children and it's incredibly common amongst that group, many of them seeing it as normal due to them talking about it with each other or online.

What you are describing is social transition, and the Cass report was very clear that this is not a neutral act

If you insist on using her given name she will just get distressed. Let her be called what she wants to and dress how she wants to. It’s not asking that much.

Yes, I would agree that she needs a neutral therapist to help her navigate her traits and the issue of bullying. They should also be able to work on self esteem and positivity about being female.

I know a young lady who at 15 changed her name (well known as name) still uses that 9 years on but by 20 "stopped" being trans and is a well adjusted gay woman now. She never took medication, but it was fine just to go with what she asked for