Daughter has changed her name

Totally this. Those suggesting you read transgender trend and then ban her from the internet don’t have a clue. You need to listen to her and respect her. If she prefers a different name, don’t fight her on it. She needs to feel supported and safe. If it’s not the right route for her she will desist soon enough anyway. She’s not proposing anything that is irreversible or drastic. In less than a year she can make her own mind up about name change and can change it by deed poll. Honestly you’re fighting a losing battle and these teens with unsupportive parents dont suddenly realise that the parents were the voice of sanity - they tend to become estranged instead.

I was about to write almost exactly the same thing.

I consider myself lucky to have grown up before the internet age.

The school CANNOT do this without your consent. Refuse it. In writing.

get a therapist

google Bayswater parents support group and join them they will help.

You’re not alone.

Well yeah I didn’t say you should do anything different but a school taking a different approach to yours isn’t necessarily wrong seeing as there is ambiguity.

Ask her what makes her want to be trans, and if there’s anything she thinks she can’t do as a girl, and then go from there. That’s been my plan for if my daughter gets caught up in all of that…

We used to be like, “girls and boys can do, wear, and be anything they want! Get rid of gender norms!” And now it seems to have come full circle with children hearing about transitioning and thinking they’re a different gender because they align more closely with the opposite sex’s gender norms, and that evolves into psychologists and psychiatrists pushing medical permanent medical treatment for gender “dysphoria” that they didn’t actually/originally have.

I am going on DfE advice and policy of our Academy Trust.

OP, kindly, you need to take the heat out of your reaction. It won't help.

My ASC daughter has been gay, a trans boy and is now bi. She has been a he, a they and back to a she. She has had various names in her teenage years. We all just went with the flow. I can't say I wasn't worried at times, not because I would mind if she became a he (at all), but because at this age (she's 14) it's so fluid, partic as a ND child.

She now has a very strong sense of who she is. Although life as an ASC teen is SUPER tough she no longer worries about her identity.

She has that because we've had open conversations throughout, I haven't belittled or disregarded how she felt and feels, and we had some really good, honest support from CAMHS. We've also had the most grown-up nuanced conversations about gender identity, which tbh a lot of so-called grown-ups could learn from. It has been a process of open, honest exploration for us both.

Your DD is trying to find her place in a confusing world. Support her rather than fight her - and it's highly likely the outcome will not only be a happier child, it'll be an identity that you feel OK with.

Have a read of this and please be very careful and cautious
https://genspect.org/resources/guidance/guidance-for-parents/

Why not encourage your child to talk to a therapist about her make change?

Tell her it is such a big step that before she makes the commitment it ought to be explored with a professional

Also remind her that you chose her name as her mother and you need time to get your head around things too!

Either they are trans or they aren't. Either way it'll work its way out in the end.

Just make sure you support them, or it might not be forgotten.

Transgender Trend has resources for parents https://www.transgendertrend.com/resources-for-parents/

and specific info about autism and gender identity
https://www.transgendertrend.com/autism-gender-identity-introduction/

Best wishes OP, it's a tough thing to deal with but the climate is changing since the Cass report and the subject coming more into the mainstream. Pressure on parents to 'affirm' unquestioningly should be less now than it was.

It’s not as clear cut but it’s up to the individual school and they can use a preferred name if the child is competent. There’s not a fixed rule against it though and different schools have different policies.

Your daughter is a child and needs your protection and to guide her. Changing her name to a boy's name will lead to pronoun changes and confusion. Children believe they can change sex because they are children.

If she continues down this path she may find it difficult to come back from, particularly if she has an online "rainbow family" egging her on.

There are some brilliant resources for parents at Transgender Trend here: https://www.transgendertrend.com/resources-for-parents/

And specific resources about autism and gender identity here:
https://www.transgendertrend.com/autism-gender-identity-introduction/

Ensure her name is her birth name or a shortened version of it at school - and don't underestimate the pain it causes you because you chose that name so carefully for her when she was a baby. Take time to process those hurt feelings of yours.

She needs you to support her as she is and to keep loving her, but also to stop her from making a decision like this when she can't possibly understand the consequences. Do not follow her lead on this, be her parent.

Take care of yourself during this time. It will be hard and long, but it will be OK.

As a teacher, I’ve met a lot of transgender teenagers-probably 50 in total. I’ve only met one that wasn’t autistic. There’s a strong link between autism, transgender ideation and eating disorders. I imagine it’s to do with not feeling comfortable in your skin and feeling that a change of gender could help.

That does appear to contradict the advice that we have received from the DfE.
We do not allow name changes without parental consent.

Err no if the child is competent they can let the child be known by a preferred name on the register. There’s a bit of leeway here and as soon as the child is 16 she is entirely free to request a change of name.

I would absolutely not be "following her lead" if this was my daughter.
I would be saying, youre a girl, no one has ever changed sex and you can't either - its impossible.

Be the voice of reason, and the place of sanity.

Don't get lost in the trans madness which could lead to irrevocable harm to your daughter.
Do not trust the school to act in her best interests - they are effectively grooming her, against DoE advice.

Look at Sex Matters, Safe School Allianace, Transgender Tred etc for more resources to support you & your daughter.

You might find this series of short films useful:

Sending strenght OP - there is a lot to navigate but you can do this

Do not buy into her delusion like some posters suggest.

Be there for her when she needs you

I would get them as much help and support as possible, because that's not a happy child.
Being female is low status, it can be horrible going through a female puberty. She needs support. She's bullied and miserable, poor girl.
The school can only alter a name on their records with the express consent of the parents.

You sound like you are deliberately trying to rub salt into the OP's wounds.

I think you just need to roll with it. For a lot of kids changing your gender identity/pronouns is not really a big deal. My oldest is non binary and has quite a few trans friends and anyone actually transitioning beyond socially is very rare in this cohort.

DC has changed their name for the last 3 years and I suppose I was a little hurt at first but the fact is it's a lovely gender neutral name, I could see myself choosing it for a child and I think whatever happens with their gender identity the name is staying and suits them better than the one we gave them. It's nothing new really, I knew 2 or 3 kids at secondary school who started using a different name while there albeit not for gender reasons. DC is probably going to change it by deed poll in next year I think they've just put it on hold as they have a school trip early 2025 and don't want to have to change passport before then.

I've known about a dozen trans kids at this point in time who have all been supported by parents, 3 of whom desisted after 2-4 years. I also have a young trans male relative with ASD diagnosis and know a few of DC's friends are on spectrum (indeed DC might be themselves) and I have a totally personal and anecdotal theory that being trans helps some people on the autism spectrum move through life more easily, like it removes one big thing that doesn't feel right for them so life 'fits' better. Relative certainly seems to be happier, more social and more engaged with education since coming out a few years ago.

I’d be worried about what she’s accessing on her phone. This stuff doesn’t come out of nowhere. She’s trying to find her tribe and if she’s struggling socially at school that’s probably been online. Going along with changing her name isn’t a neutral act.

It’s a promoted teaching post, responsible for pastoral care. Every child will have an allocated guidance teacher, and each guidance teacher will often have responsibility for a year group or a house depending on the school.

That child is a girl, the OPs daughter.

Stop with your harmful ideology.