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Original poster

PIL's proudness of DIL being ex teacher - am I just jell ?

116 replies

welljells · 13/11/2024 14:08

Let me start by saying, this is a bit of a humour post and not actually really deep.

HOWEVER- hahah

Parents in law and I have a long, at times difficult history. They've messed up with me, I've messed up with them. Some of it is cultural, some of it is personality clashes. My in laws are super dominant and have a very tight knit family unit with their children, it's been tricky to break away from that and build our own family. On the whole, they're not monsters, but we don't have the best relationship.

BIL has recently got married to a perfectly nice lady who used to be a secondary school teacher, but now works in a corporate job because of the bad treatment and pay of teachers. She taught for 2 years, all secondary.

I have little kids and MIL is always saying how SIL is great with kids, as she is a teacher. She says that she can definitely baby sit my kids if required - as she's a teacher. ( MIL just mentioned this out of the blue, I never asked for baby sitting ).

I've also overheard in laws, when asked what SIL does for a living- telling people she's a teacher, but no longer works in it because of the poor treatment of teachers. All fact. They seem very proud that their DIL is or was a teacher.

Am I going to live the rest of my life with the fact that my in laws praise my SIL for having been a teacher ? Somehow it irrationally annoys me. And I know it's irrational. I'm an accomplished woman with two kids and work my arse off in a corporate role. I never once have heard a nice thing come out of their mouths about me, my career, my parenting - nada. When my kids do something good, they must have picked it up at nursery. I get zero credit for anything.

I started the relationship with my in laws, as a young 20 something woman with a kind heart. They repeatedly showed me I could not trust them. I don't want to drip feed, but they have done and said unkind things about me/ my family.

Anyway, just jell ? Or is it annoying that the being a teacher thing keeps being brought up and praised ?

OP posts:
gummania · 13/11/2024 19:11

welljells · 13/11/2024 19:08

@gummania shall we take this offline ? Haha thanks for being so engaged, it's nice to have someone to talk to.

Over the years, it's been up and down. Initially he didn't always have my corner, but at a certain point he really did. And he really gets it. He gets upset by them / her as well.

He's definitely stood up for me. But sometimes he'll come out with stuff and I can just hear that it's from his mum and then I say 'did your mum say that ? ' and he'll get annoyed that I brought her into it again. So it's a bit of a point of contention. On the whole, he has my back.

But on the whole, we haven't had any big fights recently.

i suppose that i’m always confused by these s threads where a relative is awful to them, for years, and even their family and even their children…. and yet they still make the effort to see them.

I’d lose respect for my husband in your shoes
and i wouldn’t subject myself or my children to this kind of downright nasty treatment

i wouldn’t t want my children witness me being spoken to like this and my dad standing by

Original poster
welljells · 13/11/2024 19:08

@gummania shall we take this offline ? Haha thanks for being so engaged, it's nice to have someone to talk to.

Over the years, it's been up and down. Initially he didn't always have my corner, but at a certain point he really did. And he really gets it. He gets upset by them / her as well.

He's definitely stood up for me. But sometimes he'll come out with stuff and I can just hear that it's from his mum and then I say 'did your mum say that ? ' and he'll get annoyed that I brought her into it again. So it's a bit of a point of contention. On the whole, he has my back.

But on the whole, we haven't had any big fights recently.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/11/2024 19:05

honeylulu · 13/11/2024 15:02

It might be a generational thing. My parents, particularly my mum, seem to have it in their heads that teaching is a perfect profession for "a lady". I think their reasoning is very out of date but it's along the lines of it being a role which shows you are clever, qualified and respected, but doesn't overshadow a big important corporate man job that your husband/future husband might have, means you're "good with children" so naturally a good mother/good mother material and nice short hours and long holidays to fit in with having your own children without "farming them out" to childcare.

Disclaimer - I know teaching is NOTHING like their perception of it these days (and may never have been).

They tried to push both me and my sister towards teaching and still seem disappointed that neither of us did so. I particularly would have been bloody awful at it.

I agree that you don't need to be jel. Your SIL is probably sick of only being praised for something she no longer does!

If I hear the word 'generational' on here one more time to excuse/explain stupidity or nastiness I will scream

We're not all stupid and some of us do know about other jobs/careers and actually speak to our children and their partners to learn what's going on in their lives

And some of us <gasp> actually taught for a living ourselves

Just how old are your parents?

Original poster
welljells · 13/11/2024 19:04

@gummania but she doesn't do anything wrong and is perfectly polite. Some people are just like that. It can be shyness or it can just be that they don't like you. She probably thinks I'm a dick, let's face it.

She's early thirties, no kids, loving life and I'm over here running ragged with two young kids.

She probably thinks my life is really sad and nothing like the life she'll live one day. She's just in a completely different stage.

OP posts:
gummania · 13/11/2024 19:02

welljells · 13/11/2024 18:59

I was so shocked by this and upset. I told my husband and he was also really upset.

We didn't make a big deal out of it because inevitably I would be called ' too sensitive ' ' it was just a joke ' ' chip on my shoulder ' ' crazy ' ...

If it happens again, I will need to say something. It was unnecessarily cruel and to be honest I was so ashamed in that moment, it's the best emotion to describe it. I did not know what to say.

Show quote history

he was also really upset

but he did… nothing? said… nothing?

What has he done all the many times they’ve been horrible to you over the years?

gummania · 13/11/2024 19:00

welljells · 13/11/2024 18:54

@gummania but she is. There's nothing wrong with someone, just because they don't want to be best mates with you.

you said she’s “so icy” and an “ice cube”

not traits usually associated with “perfectly nice” people 🤷

Original poster
welljells · 13/11/2024 18:59

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 13/11/2024 18:56

She was talking to my (very young) son one day.......She said to him something like 'ow I wonder what you'll do when you grow up one day ! .....Maybe you'll make become an XX like your mummy didn't manage to become '.

On a serious note, don't allow anyone to undermine you or criticise you to your children. That's completely unacceptable.

I was so shocked by this and upset. I told my husband and he was also really upset.

We didn't make a big deal out of it because inevitably I would be called ' too sensitive ' ' it was just a joke ' ' chip on my shoulder ' ' crazy ' ...

If it happens again, I will need to say something. It was unnecessarily cruel and to be honest I was so ashamed in that moment, it's the best emotion to describe it. I did not know what to say.

OP posts:
CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 13/11/2024 18:56

She was talking to my (very young) son one day.......She said to him something like 'ow I wonder what you'll do when you grow up one day ! .....Maybe you'll make become an XX like your mummy didn't manage to become '.

On a serious note, don't allow anyone to undermine you or criticise you to your children. That's completely unacceptable.

Original poster
welljells · 13/11/2024 18:54

@gummania but she is. There's nothing wrong with someone, just because they don't want to be best mates with you.

OP posts:
gummania · 13/11/2024 18:53

welljells · 13/11/2024 18:49

I'm really trying to break the ice with her but she's so icy.

I really do try. I don't know how to get her to warm up. I'm usually really good at connecting with people and making friends, but SIL is a bit of an ice cube.

Show quote history

you said she was “perfectly nice” in your Op

Original poster
welljells · 13/11/2024 18:49

Agapornis · 13/11/2024 18:45

Break the ice with SIL. 'Hey SIL, according to MIL you'd love to babysit my children because you were a teacher 🤣 what do you think?!'

Team up! My mum and her 2 SILs really bonded over my gran being a twat.

I'm really trying to break the ice with her but she's so icy.

I really do try. I don't know how to get her to warm up. I'm usually really good at connecting with people and making friends, but SIL is a bit of an ice cube.

OP posts:
KnigCnut · 13/11/2024 18:48

Does she do this in SIL hearing or only when she isn't around? Could she be similarly singing your praises when you aren't there to hear it?

InSpainTheRain · 13/11/2024 18:47

This wouldn't bother me at all, but I think @thepariscrimefiles has it right. They want to include her, probably they don't know much about her, but they understand and relate to being a teacher.

MIL is the same, she has no clue what I or my DH does (her DS) because whilst we work for household names, we're in tech. But she understands SIL as she works in a nursery. So she gets lots of praise and mentions. SIL is lovely, and no worries from me or DH, but hopefully the shows what might be going on.

Just don't let it worry you, nod/agree, move on. Re the babysitting, just say "yes, I'll ask her if I need to" but you never need to, so no problem.

Agapornis · 13/11/2024 18:45

Break the ice with SIL. 'Hey SIL, according to MIL you'd love to babysit my children because you were a teacher 🤣 what do you think?!'

Team up! My mum and her 2 SILs really bonded over my gran being a twat.

twentysevendresses · 13/11/2024 18:43

God, I'd be GOLDEN in your PILS eyes 🤣...I've taught for 30 years (still going strong!) and am a Deputy Head 😇🤣😇 My halo shineth brightly ☺️

If it helps you to get over this:

Take pleasure from the knowledge that only the toughest survive, it's brutal! Your SIL failed...she couldn't hack it...she's NOT a teacher...she didn't have what it took to see it through 👍🏻

Or alternatively...and this is what I'd do...buy her a HUGE FUCKING MEDAL for surviving two years in secondary, then realising what a fucking shit show our education system is and getting out!! What your PIL think/say/do are of no consequence or concern! Rise above it...👌🏻

Original poster
welljells · 13/11/2024 18:39

Sugargliderwombat · 13/11/2024 18:11

You say about a clash of cultures - in some cultures being a teacher is very respectable. Are they maybe just from a culture such as this?

I think in most cultures being a teacher is respectable !!?

OP posts:
Original poster
welljells · 13/11/2024 18:39

5128gap · 13/11/2024 18:17

I bet she tells all the neighbours "My DiL welljells is actually a trained doctor/solicitor/pharmacist you know. I think DGS will take after her"

Hahah welljells 😂😂

Maybe she does, who knows !

OP posts:
5128gap · 13/11/2024 18:17

I bet she tells all the neighbours "My DiL welljells is actually a trained doctor/solicitor/pharmacist you know. I think DGS will take after her"

Sugargliderwombat · 13/11/2024 18:11

You say about a clash of cultures - in some cultures being a teacher is very respectable. Are they maybe just from a culture such as this?

Perplexed20 · 13/11/2024 18:04

You sil has an 'ology' in their minds. They understand that.

My dmum was like this. She never got what I did but did understand the science ologies in our family.

5128gap · 13/11/2024 18:03

How do you know they don't brag about you when you're not around?

gummania · 13/11/2024 18:00

why do you want to even subject your children to her given she even denigrates their achievements and has actually been nasty to you and your family

Your DH seems like very much a passive bystander to everything

Original poster
welljells · 13/11/2024 17:59

My last long post is quoting the wrong post. I was trying to describe the contact I have with my MIL and frequency.

It's maybe twice a month, sometimes less and occasionally more ( like during the Christmas period ).

OP posts:
Original poster
welljells · 13/11/2024 17:58

@gummania I was just answering you. Check my last post. She doesn't provide child care.

OP posts:
Original poster
welljells · 13/11/2024 17:57

EnjoyingTheSilence · 13/11/2024 17:43

I’m would make friends with your sil, have an ally in the family

I don't really spend that much time with her to be fair. Mostly she wants to see the kids once every couple of weeks and our paths cross when they have to on those occasions.

I keep my head down and just get on with it. And to be fair, most of the time she also does the same and we just get on with it. I don't think either of us want to fight.

Then occasionally she comes out with some dumb / hurtful comment. I tend to believe the best in people and thinks he just can't help herself sometimes. Other times I just think she must hate me to say mean stuff. I think sometimes she's just a bit like a bull in a china shop and doesn't know what she's saying and it's also cultural. Then other times I think she wants to be hurtful. It's not easy.

The only thing is that when I've brought it to her attention, she always spins it around on me. That's how I know it's not very healthy. I grey rock a lot but I do think in general we just try to coexist.

OP posts: