I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

On the face of it it would easy to perceive your stance as uncaring, but I can see your point. I assume the financial help will be for something experimental in another country that may give her a few more months? I probably wouldn’t want to put a chunk of money towards that either, particularly if I didn’t have a good relationship anyway.

No, yanbu.

It’s not going to change the outcome is it. It’s not as if they’re raising money for lifesaving treatment.

My father once chose chemo for a pet. Aftewards he said: “£3000 for a dead cat”.

My point is I would save your money for the living. Spend money on her kids instead.

It doesnt sound as if they've asked you to contribute though? You say hints have been dropped about the cost of this private treatment, but just because they've mentioned the cost doesn't mean they are expecting you to stump up for it.

If you can’t afford to contribute financially, you can’t and that’s that.

I think the focus should be on losing your sister/SIL and thinking how that must feel for her. Help her emotionally and practically if that’s what she or you would like.
I know you say she’s horrible, but most of us would help a stranger up if they fell in the street, not even knowing if they were horrible or not IYSWIM.

I would help if I could and if the treatments would make a decent difference e.g extend life until the children were grown.

It doesn’t sound like you’re that close with your comments about her being horrible to you. I can’t see that anyone has asked you for any money either and if you’re worried about things like the hospital car park then surely you wouldn’t be able to contribute anything.

Without know specifics …. I would guess private treatment is tens of thousands…. per year
I know from work experience, private treatment won’t start your treatment unless you pay for all of it up-front (if it’s cancer).

Potentially over a period of years.

Our dear friend has had stage 4, cancer since 2019 Before Covid. He is treated on NHS.

He is still active, looks well … when he told us Stage 4, we erroneously thought he would die in a year.

It all depends.

Also, we had FIL with a condition, that Drs didn’t understand. SIL and her partner found a quack with a sheep-placenta treatment which was very expensive. They wanted us to fund it at £2k a month … we said no way because it sounded like a scam and not paying for an unproven therapy or for bring a guinea pig (they should have paid HIM)!!
After death, he was diagnosed with an inherited disorder with no known treatment /cure. Knowing you have it, helps cope with it, did not shorten his life.

You need to know what you are paying for.

If it’s a treatment which could realistically extend her life then I would absolutely help her. Any extra time she gets with her family is a blessing. There are, unfortunately a significant number of cancer treatments which are approved and mainstream across the world which the NHS won’t pay for on cost grounds but which will very often keep patients well and enjoying life for months to years. So yes of course I would do anything to support that

if it’s popping off to Mexico for something whacky, probably not

moving her kids school is likely a the last thing she will consider as they need to be settled and happy to deal with what’s coming

Probably the most expensive hobbies are things like sailing and horse sports/Hunting.
However, surely your sister can afford these, especially if the kids go to private school.

My mum died when I was very young, but many men remarry after a wife dies- with almost immodest haste.

Offer emotional and practical support but no money. Though I wouldn't think any the worse of them for hinting; in such an awful situation, their thought processes are likely to be all over the place, grasping onto any possible solution without properly thinking through the implications.

If was horrible to you before her diagnosis unless she has had some sort of epiphany then she is probably still horrible.
If the rest of the family is Ok then you could offer some practical assistance but I wouldn't be offering money.
They are probably desperate and understandably looking for anything that will extend her life but its unlikely that Private treatment will do much and you are under no obligation to help pay for it in any case

I spoke to a private health insurance company when my mum got diagnosed with leukaemia and the call handler advised to stick with the NHS. I couldn’t fault the treatment and care my mum received. In contrast my dads palliative care for cancer was shocking. The fact he was terminal was not discussed so we were unprepared when he died suddenly. This could be the difference between primary care and palliative care in the NHS.

I would expect wealthier close relatives to consider chipping in if possible. However, it sounds like she’s the wealthier one, so you’re not in a position to help financially and shouldn’t be pressured into doing so.

I’m sure her DC will be grateful for the support of their DM’s DSis when the time comes. Now that is priceless.

If you can’t help financially, make that clear now so she knows to make other arrangements. It does sound like she has other options, including cutting down on massive luxuries for her DC.

Try to forgive any lashing out or guilt-tripping. It comes from a position of fear. If you can be on better terms when the time comes, you’ll find it easier to grieve.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

Do you know what kind of additional health care costs? Are they currently relying on the NHS and wanting to undertake treatments which aren't covered there? Or do they have private health care which doesn't extend to the amount of treatment that your sister would like to explore? It's a difficult situation but I think the message from another poster above wishing them well and saying you would contribute if you can but you financially can't is all you can do at the moment.

That's cheeky (of your cousin.) Bet he didn't put any of that on his gofundme page.

They might have money, you never know. A lot of people ask others for money because they don't want to spend their own savings. Came up a fair bit in covid.

YANBU. I totally disagree with the comments on here that you should be funding her children's private school fees. Financial decisions affecting her children are for her and her partner (if she has one) to make between them. If they can't afford the private school fees anymore, they should move the children to a state school. The idea that any other family member 'owes' them money to keep their kids in private school is ridiculous. People posting that on here haven't given a thought to your situation.

It also sounds like the family have not managed their money very well, blowing £100K on hobbies and bucket list trips. It's their job to ensure they have sufficient savings for the future instead of prioritising non-essential things like this -- if they have the money to do both that's fine, but they clearly didn't which is why they are now coming round expecting to be bailed out. Basically, they need to take responsibility for their own money and family decisions. Your responsibility is to your own family, particularly your children. I wouldn't give them any money at all. It will only encourage further bad spending habits and worsen the situation for your own family.

No. It doesn't sound as if you have much to spare anyway and if you did it wouldn't go very far. Their expectations of what private healthcare will do for them are probably unrealistic and born of fear. It's a shame she cannot bring herself to be pleasant to you but would happily have your money if you offered it.

Given they are used to a high income and high outgoings, I'm sure they will have signed up to all sorts of insurance policies such as critical illness, income protection, life assurance etc that will help them out financially. Don't be guilt tripped into anything you are not comfortable doing.

No: not up to you to fund her choices. Awful situation for the family but as others have said, if you feel you're being asked for money say regretfully that things are really difficult at the moment but you can take her to chemo/ physio/sit with her/ batch cook meals/ do the laundry if that would help.

That isn’t what the OP has said at all, don’t be so silly and unkind.
Nobody should feel obliged to contribute financially to a situation.

Just do what you can in terms of time, effort, perhaps giving her more grace than you otherwise would (depending on what 'quite horrible' means). You can't spend money that would make things tight for you. What if you, your partner or kids were to get a diagnosis where private care was likely to make a difference, or become disabled?
Don't bring her own past spending into it when you speak to her though.

OP isn't more concerned with finances than the loss of a family member and has said nothing to suggest she doesn't care about the feelings of her nieces and nephews, or anyone else.
She's been asked to gift money to a sister she has a very difficult relationship with and who has far more income and savings than OP does, by the sound of it, and already has a terminal diagnosis which won't be removed by any amount of money. That is what she's posting about.

Wait for them to ask. If they ask, then you ask what they have in place financially for after the inevitable.

They can't expect you to contribute, they seem well off, do they not have health insurance, etc?