I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

I hope all works out for you all, SIL, Relax, try to think of other things for a short while.

I'd be more inclined to offer to help with kids after she died.

You certainly don’t have to contribute anything financially (you haven’t explained exactly how or even if you were actually asked for money). But you could try being a little less judgy about a dying woman and her kids. I know you say she hasn’t been kind to you in the past but cut her some slack now.

It's none of any of our business, is it?

If she is terminally ill and very unwell have her family looked into fast track or chc funding for her instead of her having to pay for private care, does she get any outside help in at all from nurses, specialists, carers, support groups.

What does your sister’s husband say? Is your sister the main breadwinner? Does she have life insurance?

YANBU to not want to contribute.

But are you sure you are being asked to? "We've had some heavy hints dropped" Could it be that they are just talking openly about the cost, as many would if something is really expensive and unaffordable? That doesn't mean you are being asked to contribute. Sometimes in sensitive pressured situations it's easy to make assumptions.

Unless you are asked directly to contribute, don't give it another thought. Otherwise you are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

I think that if someone is an arse to you in life, you don't owe it to them to sacrifice things from your own life because they are now dying. If that makes me hard and cold, so be it.

Maybe OP would like to 'make memories' with her own kids and giving up her limited amount of free money will prevent that. None of us have guarantees that we'll all be here for a long life.

I think I'm very reap as you sow - there are people I'd do anything to help and others I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. I don't think OP is wrong to resist the hints.

That is very sad for your sister, but you are not close and their financial situation is nothing to do with you.
Their bucket list decisions are not your business and I wouldn't entertain any discussion about it.
If there was dire financial need that would be different.
Bucket lists are a choice I'm afraid.

It’s none of your business to feel ‘horrified’.

Ignore those who say you are BU.
You certainly are not
You have your own children to think of. You own lives to consider.
It's terribly sad and awful that your sister is so ill but it's not down to you to foot the bill
If roles were reversed would your sister cough up for you.?
How exactly have the asked you for funds ,?

If they are living that sort of lifestyle then I am sure they have other money too sat in various investments and savings. They most likely have life assurance that will cover the mortgage later and possibly even terminal illness cover.

If it were the other way round it would make more sense that you might ask well of relatives to help financially. But this way round means you should not be guilt tripped into donating.

It is how it reads to me, genuinely. I'm not blaming the OP anywhere, if the sister is horrible then it may be entirely fair enough to feel that way.

But nobody is persuading me that original post isn't cold.

This!
I think it's grotesque that people of this kind of wealth would be setting up GoFundMe's or dropping heavy hints.
At the end of the day, it's their choice what they prioritise with their money, be it range rovers, expensive trips or private schools. They are lucky to have the choice to give up their luxuries, many of us don't.

I agree with this, & having re-read the OP's OP I still can't see anything off about it. It's just a statement of the facts, & given where the sister is now, those 'bucket list holidays' really were bucket list.

When one of my SILs had cancer which got progressively worse, I set aside all the bad feeling there'd been in the past & just supported her long-distance with gifts & chatting which we'd never done before. It seemed to help, though when she had a period of remission our new relationship, which I'd valued, disappeared & she dropped me back to our previous level of contact! The cancer got worse again & she eventually died. I feel very sad for her that she suffered & that her life was cut short, but those feelings still sit alongside my memories of her meanness & sometimes downright spite. It's difficult when feelings are complicated like this, & OP has my full sympathy in that regard.

Don't give anything you don't want to and/or can't afford.

Quite honestly, if you're paying for private medical care following a terminal cancer diagnosis, they will kick you back to the NHS sooner or later.
Private medicine is not really for chemotherapy etc, they may not be able to offer some treatments that the NHS can.
In addition there can well be a limit in ££££ as to what your medical insurers will pay. Close friend was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer and was seeing a private specialist at first via his medical insurance. But the consultant advised him to go with the NHS, he would get the same care, and indeed the same consultant. Besides,it makes the private hospital's stats look bad.
If you want a new hip or knee or you're extremely rich, private care may be the way you want to go, otherwise the NHS is fine when push comes to shove.

Siblings are sometimes horrible to each other but that doesn't usually last.

I would want to know what additional treatment she is considering. I certainly understand that people will try anything and clutch at straws, at the same time many do spend money on treatments that do absolutely no good at all, even go abroad for them, and bankrupt themselves in the process.

If it is something that will improve her quality of life and comfort, that is worth paying extra for.

I doubt your sister is expecting everyone to contribute, honestly, but in your place I would work out what I could afford to donate as a one off, not an ongoing thing. I imagine that is what most family would do. It adds up and if it helps her, all to the good.

Don't tell any other family or friends what you are giving, that should remain between you and your sister.

After that, don't think about the money any more but do try to be supportive in other ways - and forgive the past.

Good luck to you al and I wish you a long, happy and healthy life.

I have a brother who should he get sick will get no help from me ever. He was horrible to me as a child and selfish arsehole as an adult. I don't think we should feel guilty not supporting family who never supported us and always put themselves first. My sister however I would do anything for because she has and would be there for me. If I wasn't there for her I should feel ashamed. So it depends on the relationship you have with the sibling

You are being massively selfish. It doesn’t matter how you feel about her or the way she spent her money but for the sake of those kids you could contribute whatever you could afford even if it’s just £10. There are some medical interventions that can extend terminal cancer not by months but years but they’re not available on the NHS yet because of paperwork issues or because it doesn’t help enough people.

Eg my mil has paid £20k a year for her meds and is approaching her 15th year with terminal breast cancer. The medication she’s taking is considered too expensive to offer on the NHS as it only works for a specific subset of bc sufferers but it’s worked for her.

I had this recently with a sibling I was LC with. It’s hard when they receive a diagnosis but the issues that affect your relationship don’t go away with the diagnosis. It’s still there and with it comes guilt and grief and confusion and everything in between when trying to make sense of this new situation. It’s really confronting because to go over everything that happened and try to re justify to yourself why you’re in this situation. Was I right, did it really matter etc?

You can’t begrudge how your sister’s family spends her money at this point. Creating memories with bucket list trips is so important for the children involved. It’s scary facing death particularly when children are involved. Excuse their desperation. It’s allowed at this point. I was dealing with my sibling fear - it was intense but I could understand it.

Just ignore the comments until they ask you outright. Don’t get emotional over that. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

I offered lots practical help that itself was appreciated. Do what you feel you can.

Awful post.

Shameful.

Your sister is dying, you really can't afford to help save your help for those left behind.

I think it's very tricky. If it were £5k and the treatment likely to extend life from one year to five, you probably should.

However, we had something not dissimilar in the family. A relative of DH's, lost her husband when the dc were infants and there was no life insurance. A fundraiser was put out to the family and friends to contribute towards her not losing her house. My view was that an intelligent couple had not taken out life insurance and also both sets of parents were relatively well off. Hers live in a 1.5m house. If she had been my daughter, I'd have downsized to let her have some inheritance early. I still cannot see why Tom Cobley and all were expected to stump up and found it rather entitled. Probably means I'm not a nice person.

When someone is terminally ill there is only so much you can do. I'd hope she'd be getting palliative care on the NHS.
You can't afford to fund it. You can be supportive in lots of other ways, if you wish. Kindness, spending time, just being there is worth more than money.