I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

She'll have to take her kids out of private school to fund it, its that simple.
Not sure what your sisters diagnosis is, but if it's cancer, no amount of money can save you. I lost my mother to cancer, we paid for a quick diagnosis because the doctors were messing about saying she had indigestion....she infact had pancreatic cancer. No amount of money can help

You clearly don't like her, maybe just support her children when she has died if they want that.

Is she your sister or your SIL, as you've put in your nickname?

So it seems like they have neither asked you for help nor money and you only know because you’re part of the family group?

DIY also costs money and often a lot of time and effort. It’s awful the OP’s sister is ill but it sounds like they’re not close and the op doesn’t have much to offer. The fact is, if they can afford private school for their children and spend thousands on things for personal leisure, they can afford a handyman if needed. Many here are taking a very emotional viewpoint, which of course for typical families would be a key point. It’s evidently not the same here. The op shouldn’t be berated for not having a good relationship with her sister, seriously ill or not.

Ignoring a terminally ill relative’s text to ask for practical help is fairly abhorrent, op.

I voted YANBU OP

They want some help with jobs on the house, she's terminally ill, and you won't bother to even respond?

Your terminally ill sister wanted help with diy and you’re ignoring it? This is much deeper than you can’t afford then op.

I don't understand why anyone would donate money to someone better off than herself, irrespective of what it would be spent on.

@SILDilema she needs to be aware that drugs take a long time to be approved in uk. even private drugs are only give under extreme care usually because they are taking part in trials. UK nhs though, also does trials. she should be looking at the trials for her particular cancer and which hospitals are carrying them out! she would also need to meet the strict criteria which the cancer institutes have for patients taking part.

do you know what help or treatment she needs that has to be private? a private doctor may not feel treatment is appropriate so you just need to let them sort it all out, what was the diy request?

Have they actually asked you for any money, if not then next time they mention the expense point them towards NHS care and funding. What illness does she have, what's her prognosis and life expectancy, poor woman.

What about when you or your dh and dc have medical needs? What if you want to get private care?Sorry but put money aside or go in the NHS. Her choices not yours. What you give to her, you lose for yourself. It’s that simple, money is not an unlimited resource.

I'm sorry she's so ill but frankly she wants to use you financially. Don't get involved in it at all. Just say your money is tied up and in any case is for your own family. She's not even nice to you!

It doesn't really change anything because OP does not have the means to contribute to it.

There were a couple of pps referencing individuals who had the means to cover their own medical costs but still putting up Go Fund Me's which got me thinking.

It is entirely possible that insurance policies have already paid out for her and they used these for the bucket list trips or set some aside to see the private schooling through to the end for the boys and there is now "nothing" left to fund going private.

I can see how the lack of clarity on what they could do for themselves financially but may be choosing not to, is causing some internal conflict but it shouldn't. You are not moneyed so you can rest easy that without taking on borrowing you can't afford or selling the roof over your head, you don't have the means to help beyond logistical and emotional support.

It also avoids a conversation you absolutely don't want to have with them that touches on the minutiae of what they have done with all the money they've had so far, assets they could sell etc. That risks you appearing to imply they've not prioritised finances wisely which you don't want to do. I can see why they've done what they've done with using the funds to give the boys some fabulous memories with their mum when she's still well enough to enjoy it but at the same time I just would not have the gall to then go cap in hand to relatives I've barely had time for, asking for their money to fund my private medical bills. That is some pretty squiffy thinking.

You can rest easy but I think you need to be mentally prepared for their fear over what's to come potentially driving some pretty unpleasant behaviour towards you, implying you don't want to help versus you can't help. You'll just have to push back repeatedly and kindly with, "I'm so sorry, I would if I could, but the money just isn't there."

Surely you can say, 'We are not in a position to help financially, I wish we were. But we'd love to help by...' then offer help you know you can willingly give. Bit tough if she was mean to you before she got ill, but as an auntie it's as much about compassion for the family she'll leave behind.

Rubbish. Royal Marsden, the London Clinic, private at The Christie, UCL. Absolutely not going into the Wild West in any way shape or form. It’s care as it should be.

That’s absolutely not true. Private cancer care is fully funded by most insurers. They will also offer far more options than NHS. They absolutely do not send you back to the NHS. They’ll see you right through to the end, if it comes. My late DH had full private cancer care. The treatment and care, from diagnosis was beyond outstanding, he had the widest range of treatments the NHS would never have given him. He had dieticians, nutritionists, wonderful palliative care. No waiting for scans or results, access to his doctors who we chose as experts in their field. Just care that couldn’t have been matched and an extension of his life, and good quality for life for about an extra 2 years which he spent wit his family

The NHS consultant shrugged his shoulders and offered “a bit of chemo but it won’t work” and a max 6 month life expectancy

the private doctor gave him 9 months of a daily pill where he never felt ill and worked full time, and his health only declined about 3 months before he died 2.5 years later. We will forever grateful

I’ve worked in oncology and the NHS absolutely IS the best for cancer care. Going private would be like going out into the Wild West.

This is just not true. The NHS is absolutely not the best for cancer care, especially for more advanced cancers. As I said in an earlier post, for many cancers private care will fund significantly more treatment options than the NHS and these are not unproven treatment. They’re simply well established treatments which are deemed too expensive by the NHS.

I hope you read the comments about NHS being the best provider for cancer care so it really wouldn't help her to go private. And you do not have the means to do so which makes it an easy decision should they ask. Just prepare yourself what to say and don't feel guilty. If the NHS can't save her noone can. If they want to experiment other treatment they can cut back on their lavish lifestyle.

@relentlesslyso I am the wealthier close relative and I wouldn’t expect to give a dime. I have 3 children and yes, they are at public school which costs more than a house a year now. I want to ensure my family has the best they can regarding experiences, holidays and everything else. I have zero responsibility to anyone else.