I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

Was it? It was my exact reaction when reading this thread.
I don’t think OP is unreasonable at all for not contributing to costs, but I am shocked at the callous, almost sneering, tone. Perhaps it’s just the way it’s coming across in text…

Harsh and unnecessary!

Paying private for treatment of cancer, where treatment is not offered on NHS, is likely to be clutching at straws for miracles and a waste of money frankly.
all treatments for cancer go through Clincial trials. Double blind stage 3 studies. In each country they then review the evidence, based on risk vs benefits and then decide as an individual Regualtoroy Body if the evidence is strong enough to approve it. In many cases it may be approved with strong caveats about risks and which sub group of patients it is most suited to with each condition. In the uk that is then reviewed by NICE, who look at benefits vs costs vs risks to make a decision if it will be given under NHS funding.
a lot of people may as individuals feel that NICE is blocking their pathway to a treatment to prolong life or even a cure, and for 1 individual it may indeed be hugely successful. NICE is looking at populations as a whole, and can see that maybe for £100,000 per treatment per person, it benefits just 5% of patients. They’re not going to authorise that . Sure, your sister can then go and get the drug treatment privately, but the odds, and the risk vs benefit profile will be massively stacked against her and it having a cure, or even prolonging her life.
unfortunatley, hope is not a benign positive emotion always. We hang on to hope because it is a survival mechanism. But, sometimes it holds us back from addressing reality, where the bad news or uncomfortable option is. Hope is what stops us changing our current mental attitude. Faced with death, that is absolutely understandable, and a massive challenge to overcome. I believe this is where hospices and other volunteers can help so much, to help the perosn come through a “grief” pathway to a point of acceptance. And to have as good a death as possible while they are still well enough to have some quality of life.
Going through the game of chasing down treatment after treatment on private basis in “hope” of a miracle, so often results in wasting what little precious time there is left, to create happier memories if possible, or just to get everything in order.

I certainly wouldn’t give money to people to chase cancer treatments that the Clincial reviews and studies have shown to provide so little benefit and chance of working, or NICE has rejected. (Caveat sometimes NICE holds off for some further studies over time…but that is rare)

If she was asking for help with private Hopsice care, then yes, I’d do what I could, but within reason. Within reason is not if they have young school age children and they haven’t taken out life insurance or a critical illness cover, which will pay out. This is what that’s there for; to pay back loans and such for private hospice or nursing at home care in her final weeks and months. If they’ve been frazzling all that money on private education, hobbies and holidays, and haven’t got life insurance or critical illness cover, then they’ve got their priorities worng and nope, I wouldn’t personally cover to pay off someone’s irresponsible and luxury lifestyle. If that’s the case then they lead their entire lives by the mantra of “hope” ; hoping they’ll never have to deal with the shit that life can throw at us all, at any time.

I think you need to be clear now when the hints are dropped that you would like to be in a position to help but you just can’t afford it. It’s best to be honest and open about this and set clear boundaries.

OP please ignore those telling you to feel badly about your very reasonable feelings and decisions.

If it was reversed, I doubt you would hear anything or have help as sister would be off on hols, which would be equally fine as her decision to make.

I think you’ve not had very difficult relationships with close family and are seeing it from a perspective where you couldn’t imagine a situation where you’d be not wondering how to move heaven and earth to help a dying loved one - which is understandable but doesn’t make the op ‘deplorable’.

Though as others have pointed out, the op’s username says SiL. Obviously if it’s not her actual sister it would give a different perspective.

AIBU isn't for that, though is it. There's normally a poll!

How "not close" to someone would you need to be to judge their reaction to a terminal illness on the internet. Then to be fishing out messages from the group chat for us to applaud (Or what?) when she says she's going to ignore it?

That's well beyond "not close" and for me into deplorable territory. The woman is dying, ffs. By all means don't care, but this reads like OP has the popcorn out. Blocking is kinder, much much kinder. Nail your colours to the mast so at least the sister knows what she's dealing with.

Just tell her you can’t afford to help financially.
Depending on her reaction will show you if she’s worth it.
Make sure you record the conversation so that the inevitable family repercussions can be shut down.

Who knows. Red herring. Fear of being outed. Why post a thread about it in the first place.

🤣🤣🤣

People!!!

does she need cooking too? Oh no…she must have a chef 🫣

Hi op,

I am on your side. You do not have to pay any penny…think reverse, if that was you? Would she sacrifice the private care of her children for you?

There, you have your answer. Family is for support, love and care of ALL members. You don’t get to piss in the bucket you want to drink from.

Good luck 🌺

If the OP is posting about her own sister, why has she called herself SIL dilemma?

So AIBU is just here to validate whatever the OP wants to do?

As is the case with most AIBUs.

I think, personally, that if the OP is taking requests for help from a dying woman (whether she likes her or not) and posting their contents to a website for people to give their opinion on when she can't even muster the effort to reply politely, then she's behaving deplorably.

In the context of the requests, the op is far from ‘deplorable’. I think you’re taking issue with the op being matter of fact over an emotive issue. I haven’t seen the op reply impolitely unless I’ve missed something?

Just block your poor sister on whatever messaging platform being used to keep in touch and let her die with a bit of dignity OP. If you don't want to act like a sister then leave her alone, this isn't theatre, it's kids losing a parent. It's awful.

Absolutely agree the children facing losing their mother is awful. Do you think just blocking her sister out of the blue is any less ‘deplorable’ than how the op has supposedly behaved to start with though? That’s as an extreme reaction as you can get given the circumstances. And if the op says her sister have behaved poorly towards her, it is not negated by serious illness as anyone who’s not had a great relationship with family will know. It’s an unfortunate truth that it doesn’t matter who you are or how you’re related, if you cannot treat people well in life (especially your loved ones) then it can come back to you in your time of need.

So AIBU is just here to validate whatever the OP wants to do?

I think, personally, that if the OP is taking requests for help from a dying woman (whether she likes her or not) and posting their contents to a website for people to give their opinion on when she can't even muster the effort to reply politely, then she's behaving deplorably.

Just block your poor sister on whatever messaging platform being used to keep in touch and let her die with a bit of dignity OP. If you don't want to act like a sister then leave her alone, this isn't theatre, it's kids losing a parent. It's awful.

Keep your hands in your pockets.
You are responsible for your own family’s welfare.
It is sad for them but they can lean on the NHS or stop some hobbies maybe.
Your life’s are separate now and you both have your own problems to sort out.
you are entitled to say no.

Health insurance so that's the family are taking care of after she passes.
No you shouldn't be coughing up when they are been reckless and not thought about the future for their kids. I would mention that in a nicer way.

When I was a teen my DAunt rang DDad sobbing several months on the trot because they couldn't afford to pay the mortgage & begging for help. DDad pointed out that their k8ds were all in a very expensive private schools, they'd had 3 hols abroad (in days when most didn't have 1 & we had caravan holidays) already that year & regularly had expensive meals in the city/theatre trips etc.
Meanwhile we lived a pretty regular rural lifestyle. He declined to pay up, they still live in the same house 30 yrs later, although their kids did eventually have to leave private schools but this was the only change to their lifestyle.

Do the children have to do the expensive Hobbies for now. Would that not pay her healthcare or the private school fees. You can only help if you can

Sorry if youve already had this suggested but does she have any pensions or life assurance as some may be able to release capital in a confirmed terminal situation

Maybe it's worth breaking some rules. Tell her what you're actually willing to offer - practical help / coordinating other helpers etc. If DIY isn't your thing say so. If you're not close you may not want to offer a lot of emotional support.

Consider what support you might offer directly to her children now and in the future - you might have stories to tell of your childhood together that no one else has.

Given that you aren't on the same level financially you are not obligated to contribute. I'd offer to babysit etc as I'm sure the children are in bits.

Unless it's changed now a terminal diagnosis automatically qualifies for Continuing Healthcare Funding, which means the NHS is financially responsible for all palliative care, so there should be no problems with finance unless she is seeking anything over and above NHS care. My experience of palliative care for my father was really good.

Not EXACTLY, not to everyone any way.

She sounds like someone who doesn’t have to much time for her sister that’s all. Not everyone is emotional about things (I’m certainly not) and to me it reads as if she’s trying to quickly get to the point of her post.

If my sister asked I'd have to say no as I don't have it to give it's that simple.

If you don't you don't it's irrelevant what they spend their money on.

Offer practical help with the kids, support in that way and if you don't have the money then you don't. Helping raise funds might be an option.

I don't know why your getting a hard time for saying she's previously been horrible to you because thats just context surely.