I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

OP I can see you're writing isn't meaningless chat. You are writing to take it all in. Anyone telling you to not write has a different agenda then hearing your perspective.

You’re waffling now. The children are going to loose their mum very soon. You have no idea (I do) how much that will affect them for ever.

I do not disagree with you not wanting to contribute financially but do not try and justify it with meaningless chat.

I agree… my mum died when I was three, my siblings were older but it affected us when it happened and in the long term. There is nothing worse as a child than losing your mum

You’re not coming across well at all.
Obviously you don’t owe your sister or sister in law any money, even if you have millions in the bank. You are coming across very callous though. Her children will be left without a mother and that is so very sad and heartbreaking for them.

I think she’s a mixed up
fantasist.

I don't know.

When questioned why she chose that NN for this thread, considering it says 'SIL' dilemma, she gave a fairly vague answer.

I don't think it matters, in this case, if it's my brother, in law or step sibling.

It’s her sister?

The OP has no blood link to her sister in law.

But I agree, she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to.

Just because there is a blood link doesn't mean there is love.

The OP and her sister are not close and have vastly different finances.

It is absolutely nothing to do with the OP to step in to uphold a lifestyle she doesn't have herself because of a terminal diagnosis.

Of course it is very sad but these things often bring around a change of circumstances.

Sad and difficult for sure, but absolutely nothing to do with the OP and her family and their simpler lifestyle.

@SILDilema They need to get their heads out of the sand & plan for the future now. It is probably already too late but no harm in them trying to cut costs & do what they can to limit the financial burden on other family members.
Without knowing prognosis etc, from docs not SIL & her section of the family or anyone else lapping all the drama up, I would certainly not be paying out anything but I would offer time & emotional support when I was available.
I doubt very much any money you give will be appreciated & going off what you’ve said about the family dynamics between yourself & SIL your contribution will 100%be labeled as a minuscule amount & judged based on what others have given when reality is your contribution is probably more when you consider your financial situation.
I’d not be contributing financially & if they have an issue with that then that is their issue not yours! Money is made from paper but doesn’t grow on trees 😬

Gosh that is really hard on your parents. If the diagnosis is terminal there is really no point spending more money. What an awful situation. Take care of yourself. Spend the money on therapy for yourself if you need it.

There is no happy ending here, obviously. No amount of money will change the diagnosis, and even if the private treatment would delay death, very few families are able to fund this indefinitely. If you make sacrifices to give whatever you can, how long could you keep that up? And what would happen then?

My sister has despised me from the moment I was born. When we were teenagers, she would push me down stairs, she shaved the skin off my arm with a razor, we are not and have never been friends. When her child got a terminal diagnosis, I tried to be as supportive as possible. She still treated me with contempt. When the child died, my husband and I took time off work and did most of the work in organising the funeral. My sister was absolutely vile to me, and that was the last time I ever spoke to her. I had thought that I would feel better if I at least tried to do my best for her. I didn't, I felt worse because I had really gone to a lot of effort for someone who actively despised me. She didn't see my efforts as a kind gesture, or an offer of support; she saw me as pathetic and weak.

It's never as simple as there being a right or a wrong thing to do. Family dynamics can be very complicated. OP, you will probably be on the receiving end of some really unpleasant pressure from your family to pay up, and it can be hard to be the only person saying "No". If you choose to give something then you need to be very clear about it being a limited amount and not every month, but if you choose not to give anything at all, then that's okay too. I'm not sure I would want to give much to someone who can't even be nice to me when she's asking for large sums of money either!

Mmm. Family dynamics! However, a terminal diagnosis tends to “ build bridges”
not in this case sadly. It’s clear from the original post that those bridges have well and truly been burned by the poster despite the fact her sister is actively dying. She is on here trying to get validation for her deplorable actions/decisions.

It’s not harsh and unecessary . That comment is spot on. The original poster has long ago made up her mind not to help further. She is on here looking for validation for her deplorable actions. Nothing more, nothing less.

You are making all this about you. Shameless!

Don’t “think reverse”. Think now. Her sister is terminal. What a hard, shallow person you are coming across as.

The key words for me here are “ we don’t have a terminal diagnoses hanging over our heads”
aka. “I’m all right Jack”. Disgraceful!!

Have you read the post? It looks like the sister who is poorly doesn’t care very much for the lady that posted. This is entirely possible in families.

It's ok OP. You just have to be clear you can't help financially but you'll support them in other ways.

We had a family death by cancer last year, supported at home with home based visits from the hospice. Everyone found their "job" be it cooking, school runs etc.

Sorry to be pragmatic about it, but honestly you have to be.

Give what you can reasonably afford and no more. Better though is to give boundless love, sympathy and emotional support to those kids. Never complain about your sisters finances or any of this in front of them. Keep that up through out their lives. You’ve been a great sister then.

Eh? Her feelings are entirely her business.

I work in the NHS and agree most treatments for cancer that are private only are unlikely to make much difference to her life. Private carers and her husband taking a reduction in hours/ taking a month off to care for her may help but I wouldn't spend money on a " must try everything " approach. I'd visit to help support her.

This is incredibly sensible and important advice.
Acceptance is incredibly difficult in these circumstances but would be far the better path. If you or your parents are funding random snake oil 'treatments' then you are supporting something that really might not be helpful.