I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

SILDilema · 2024-11-13T11:37:25+00:00

Sister is very ill, terminally, has teen kids and is looking at additional private health care. We've had some heavy hints dropped about how much this will cost. Her family also have private school fees, and over the last three years spent considerable sums (over 100k) on a hobby plus various bucket list exotic trips. We don't know what their future plans are for funding the ongoing costs of teen hobbies and fees. We earn less, spend less and don't have a terrible diagnosis hanging over our head. I feel sad about any family going through this. But AIBU to not want to contribute financially? My judgement is clouded because before all this she was quite horrible to me and that hasn't changed recently either.

SurroundedByEejits · 19/11/2024 17:47

NBU.

Depending on her condition an prognosis your sis may be entitled to NHS funding towards her care; they may want to check out Continuing Health Care (CHC) online. UK countries other than England have different financial contributions set for social care as well, that are not as onerous.

MermaidEyes · 18/11/2024 13:21

Enough4me · 17/11/2024 14:29

@LIJ a therapist?!
With the way you've posted on here 😂

Probably not one with many clients!
Some people really struggle to understand not everyone's family dynamics are the same as theirs.

Necky1 · 17/11/2024 23:15

Enough4me · 17/11/2024 14:29

@LIJ a therapist?!
With the way you've posted on here 😂

Absolutely 🙄

Candy24 · 17/11/2024 21:57

OP what a horrible situation to be in. You don't need to contribute. I would just be there like send a meal or something like that. Maybe take the teens somewhere or something.

LIJ · 17/11/2024 21:47

Yep you read that right. Clever you.

LIJ · 17/11/2024 21:46

Yes you read that right. Clever you.

T1Dmama · 17/11/2024 21:11

SILDilema · 17/11/2024 14:43

There is no easy way to have that conversation either.

Show quote history

No I can imagine.

I’m it sounds very sad x

T1Dmama · 17/11/2024 19:38

Tanjamaltija · 17/11/2024 16:48

I do not think that this woman is seeking attention. I think that the sister's family wants to eat their cake and have it. They have no right to ask for financial help, since they are not destitute, but they have money to spend on other things. If you want a new car, you do not remodel the kitchen and bathroom, and then you say you don't have money for a new car. We donate money when we want to, not when we are expected to. Of course family dynamics come into it - but this would happen even with close friends, because I have seen it happen. Jealousy does not come into it, because the real issue is that the family has been spending money on things that are not strictly necessary, whereas they could have been spent in the way they want money to do so, from the OP. Look at it this way - would you empty the fridge to donate the food to your neighbour, and leave your own family hungry, just to show that you are a good, kind, generous person, and not at all jealous of their designer clothes?

Exactly this.
many one who doesn’t want to doesn’t have to read or comment on the thread!

Tanjamaltija · 17/11/2024 16:48

I do not think that this woman is seeking attention. I think that the sister's family wants to eat their cake and have it. They have no right to ask for financial help, since they are not destitute, but they have money to spend on other things. If you want a new car, you do not remodel the kitchen and bathroom, and then you say you don't have money for a new car. We donate money when we want to, not when we are expected to. Of course family dynamics come into it - but this would happen even with close friends, because I have seen it happen. Jealousy does not come into it, because the real issue is that the family has been spending money on things that are not strictly necessary, whereas they could have been spent in the way they want money to do so, from the OP. Look at it this way - would you empty the fridge to donate the food to your neighbour, and leave your own family hungry, just to show that you are a good, kind, generous person, and not at all jealous of their designer clothes?

Coffeeloverme · 17/11/2024 15:23

Enough4me · 17/11/2024 14:29

@LIJ a therapist?!
With the way you've posted on here 😂

Thanks, couldn’t agree more. I’m horrified by the tone of her contributions.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 17/11/2024 15:19

@SILDilema does sis still have a partner or the other parent of her children around?

TheCatterall · 17/11/2024 14:52

@SILDilema just be grateful she isn’t your therapist!

Original poster

SILDilema · 17/11/2024 14:43

T1Dmama · 17/11/2024 10:28

Think you need to suggest to your parents that they need to ensure they’re financially stable encase they end up raising the grandkids after her passing!! The future is sadly more important than giving your SIL an extra month or two!

There is no easy way to have that conversation either.

OP posts:

Enough4me · 17/11/2024 14:29

@LIJ a therapist?!
With the way you've posted on here 😂

LIJ · 17/11/2024 14:14

No nothing has been triggered at all. I’ve worked as an Integrative Therapist for 8 years and have encountered similar in my work. I’ve also seen it with family and friends to greater lesser degree.

Original poster

SILDilema · 17/11/2024 14:03

@LIJ has something happened with your siblings or in-laws that this thread has unwittingly stirred up. You have commented quite a lot. We're very happy to hear what didn't work as well as what did.

Obviously I am talking about my sister on this thread, same parents, same ish childhood along with our brother who's currently at a crossroads with his own problems to sort out.

I don't know why the SIL thing has become so important on this thread. If this was DH's sister, we'd still be asking why can we, what should we do.

OP posts:

LIJ · 17/11/2024 13:28

Of course she can just keep saying no but that’s not what this about. It’s all about how unfair her life has turned out. It’s not actually about her dying SIL it’s about resentment that her brother and his wife’s life, to this point, turned out better than she thinks hers has. Attention seeking at its very worse!!!!!!!

LIJ · 17/11/2024 13:26

No, I think we should all stop indulging this woman’s grievance s against her dying SIL and her brother.

Tanjamaltija · 17/11/2024 12:25

''I'm sorry, but we are not in a position to help. Maybe if you cut down on extraneous expenses, you'd be able to save some money for treatments / rest home...''

T1Dmama · 17/11/2024 10:28

Think you need to suggest to your parents that they need to ensure they’re financially stable encase they end up raising the grandkids after her passing!! The future is sadly more important than giving your SIL an extra month or two!

T1Dmama · 17/11/2024 10:19

Just a simple ‘No’
if pushed just say we earn lots less than you and can’t afford it!! End of conversation…. If they keep on just keep repeating ‘can’t afford it!’

as much as fulfilling a bucket list and building memories is important, so is ensuring your family aren’t left financially crippled…

most life insurance policies pay out for a cancer diagnosis, maybe she can use that money…

either way just tell her no and say you don’t want to discuss it again

LIJ · 16/11/2024 23:26

How can she be of any real emotional support to the children when she has such an appalling attitude to their parents?

Necky1 · 16/11/2024 20:08

OP, focus on what emotional support you can be to her children when she is gone.
Loosing your mother is truly shocking, but you do not have any responsibility to maintain their higher lifestyle.

LIJ · 16/11/2024 18:00

Sibling rivalry It’s all becoming clear after her comments that she prefers the dying SIL who is dying but whose care she doesn’t want to help with financially to her Brother. She is jealous of her brother who has obviously been more successful than she has been.

LIJ · 16/11/2024 16:12

You are as deluded and callous as her obviously. Stop facilitating her pity party. It’s her sister In law that’s dying not her.