To feel absolutely pathetic that I can't manage full time work

How old are you OP? I felt like this when I started peri. The exhaustion and anxiety are insane. I’m still working 50+ hour weeks and have a primary and secondary age child, but I have a fully-functioning helpful dh, a cleaner and I had to take three months off between jobs to recover from my last job.

You are not far off full time hours. 32 a week is only three hours short of full time for most places.

I'm really sorry you are feeling so exhausted but it isn't surprising.

I know every penny counts at the moment (it did with me when I was younger and worked part-time), but could you afford a cleaner once a fortnight? I had that and it really was worth the expense, honestly. It was lovely to come home to a clean, fresh-smelling house and it is surprising how long that fortnightly clean lasted. I know someone who had a once a month cleaner and it made a difference to their life.

You must get something out of working, it should not have to all go into the household and relieving you and your sick husband of housework would be a wonderful thing.

He might be able to claim PIP or DLA, whatever it is nowadays, and I presume you get family allowance.

You need to be well, op, and if you're worrying about housework piling up, you will not be.

I do wish you every good fortune.

I don't know loads of people where both parents work ft or approaching ft. Those that do normally have at least one parent who works from home or has a lot of flexibility in other ways. Or they have a lot of wider family help. Or they are in very well paid careers where the work is well remunerated and allows them to outsource domestic responsibilities to mitigate the lack of time they spend at home.

Children in yr 4, even without any ND, can't be left at home alone, can't get themselves to and from school without an adult, need support with reading and spelling home work, need meals cooking for them etc. Sure, they can "help" but that comes in the form of putting their own shoes and coat on, filling their own water bottle etc. They can't help with significant chores that help the household to function.

It serves no one well to pretend that the parents of young children can work as if those children don't exist and have no needs.

Some people, particularly those with more challenging lives and disadvantages, have to work ft out of the house every day regardless of whatever else is going on for them. This is really hard and has negative consequences for those people and their families. Pretending it is standard and has no knock on effects is untruthful and unhelpful.

This this this.

Do what works for you and your family, if you can. And don’t feel guilty about it.

I do 18.5 hours in a similar situation to you op, and I feel like superwoman! Caring is hard even if it’s not always recognised as work by society, so you don’t need to feel guilty. You’re already doing seven days a week!
With respect, I wouldn’t necessarily listen to people who aren’t in your position. They may be well meaning but unless you’re actually living the life of juggling your children’s additional needs, your husband’s health issues, your job and, last but not least, your own needs, it’s very hard to envisage the challenges and exhaustion it brings.
In an ideal world we’d all earn enough to retire on a fat pension but as you know, life doesn’t always go to plan and we adapt. You’re doing a great job under difficult circumstances; don’t drain your resources with unwarranted worry and guilt.

I totally hear you OP, I work 31.5 hours a week, have 3 kids, 1 of whom has various disabilities, my husband travels for work a lot, we have way too many pets and it feels like too much.

I know other people can do it all, but I am finding it too much. I feel like I am drowning.

I was hoping to drop my hours when we finally get NDIS (I’m in Australia) for DD as we spend A LOT of money on her issues specifically at the moment. But with the cost of living going through the roof here, I don’t know if that is actually feasible. Maybe if DH gets a promotion…

My dd has ASD (pretty severe ASD) and I don’t work much at all, i a, a single parent and have almost 0 support from family. When I do work (self employed) I am totally exhausted. My dd gets PIP and I get carers allowance, we survive but I would love to be able to juggle work and caring for her…it’s just not possible.

Its nuts that we have got to the point as a society that you feel guilty you aren't doing more paid work hours outside the home, when you are doing so so many hours of work already inside the home. Hello burnout my old friend.

Give yourself a break! You've got a load on your plate, if anything, work fewer hours if your finances allow it.

The only time I worked part time rather than full time I lasted about a year because I was just expected to do a full time job in part time hours but I got paid part time money. That seemed of no advantage to me. It sounds like you are doing lots of extra hours but they aren't paid so that's the part you need to change. It sounds exhausting. I feel for you with the driving. Very stressful.

I found 30 hours wasn’t part time enough to benefit and then went full time and that was easier. I had to outsource things like having a cleaner but could mentally justify it and afford it. At 30 hours I was trying to do everything and not understanding why I couldn’t.

Yanbu. I briefly went from 3 to 4 days (office based) when my kids were younger and the difference in how stressed I felt was a lot. I didn’t have a sick husband or kids with additional needs either. Just do what’s right for you and don’t worry about what you “should” be able to manage - you have a lot to cope with.

In people I have known, the parent who stayed at home more wouldn’t have worked that many hours until the kids were old enough to get themselves to and home from school and be home alone. And most not even then.

Working f/t with kids and no support is hard, and you've got a SEN child and a chronically ill husband on top. It's a lot. Any chance of a WFH job in your line of work?

I have two young kids and worked part time for a while. I work 3 days and honestly it’s the best thing for us. I feel so much calmer and a better parent. I struggled massively at full time and even 4 days with anxiety of trying to juggle it all.

OP it’s ok for 3 days to be your limit, if you can afford it why not? Working 4 days will be an adjustment I would say give it a few weeks as it’s always stressful when there’s a change finding your new ways of working.

I take my hat off to any parents who work 5 days and I feel so strongly for parents who have to work 5 days due to the COL.

Even when my kids are older, I’m not increasing my hours. It works so well for us and give me some down time which I very much mentally need.

Not pathetic in the slightest!
I am sure you've already considered this but you or your DH might also be ND which might make things even harder and increase the risk of autistic burnout (different to NT burnout).💐

I work 22.5 hrs, 2 young children one with ASD in primary school and full time working husband. I'd really struggle to work the hours you do. And I feel the stress when I'm working as it feels intense and never ending. If you are able to cut back to your previous hours please do, it will be better for yours and your family's health. Hopefully you will recieve DLA and child benefit. If possible maybe put some savings into an ISA to help your savings grow over time.

Not pathetic at all.
I always struggled with full time work due to time consuming commitments outside of work (I don’t even have children!). A full time WFH job has worked wonders for me but your responsibilities are a lot more significant than mine!

Why do you feel pathetic? Your family needs you so naturally you feel stretched - anyone would! You have an awful lot to cope with.

Well done for giving it your best shot and hope your manager is sympathetic.

Where does the pressure to work more come from? I wonder. Is it just you have seen friends pick up longer hours as their children got older or chat in mumsnet/papers. Your partner.

I am in a simikar position (asd child and working part time to cope, husband has mental health not physical health issue though)

I have felt some sort of society pressure to work more and mumsnet pension chat makes me very stressed. I realised that the fact someone else manages in totally different circumstances doesn't mean I can manage in mine and if I have a heart attack from trying to do everything I won't need thd bigger pension anyway.

I do agree with pp that sometimes full time work means you can outsource cleaning, food prep etc and that is worth considering. but I also think some things with asd, teens going of the rails and a sick husband aren't very outourcable. Like stress and worry. So if part time means you get to go to the gym, and you actually enjoy making healthy food etc its ok to take time to manage the stress.

I work 35 and three days from home and its difficult sometimes and I don't have any of the challenges you do. I'm not surprised you're finding it difficult with all that going on and when there is no wfh days. If your manager isn't supportive or isn't happy knowing all you have going on, then they're a dick. What area do you work in? I work for local government and most roles are hybrid now.

Is there any chance of changing your hours to work 4 days with mid week day off it would allow extra day to manage household stuff like meal planning, batch cooking freezer meals, washing etc, when I had young ish child I wanted the weekend to spend quality time with them, we had busy lives with activities etc, that’s what I found hard working all week by the weekend I didn’t want to have to squeeze in all the extra life stuff like cooking, cleaning and washing/ ironing at the weekend when we could be doing much more fun stuff.

I was replying to the person who said they didn't know of any families where both worked full time if OP can't manage then the sensible thing is to cut her work hours but look at how things work at home first, could dc and dh do more to make things ruh more smoothly.

There's part time and part time. For it to work, you need an employer who understands that part time wages mean part time hours. I've always been lucky, but a lot of people on here seem to have had the opposite experience.

YY re taxes too. If it is caring work, 3 days probably used up just about all OPs personal allowance. The 4th and 5th days will have a lower hourly rate.

Don’t be hard on yourself, you have a lot on. It sounds like you can make savings in some other areas with less aggravation to your work life balance.
Who is to say how many hours full time work is anyway? This is all a construct of society and lives won’t fit into that construct exactly. You are making it work for you fabulously within your difficult circumstances. Give yourself a pat on the back