To feel absolutely pathetic that I can't manage full time work

Don't beat yourself up, it sounds like you've got more than enough plates to juggle already. Look after yourself. My DC are NT and I found juggling FTW/homelife hard enough when they were little (XH had his own problems and was really no help). Please be kind to yourself x

I recently applied for a job which would have been a 39 hour week, as compared to my current 30 and I felt sick at the thought. So I negotiated them down to 35 hours which they were happy with, but then I still eventually turned them down as I just couldn't fit everything in. I'm kicking myself at losing out on a good opportunity, but you can only do so much. I'm up til midnight most nights with things to do, then up at 6.30 to get everyone up and out. There's only so much you can do without completely burning out, so don't feel bad OP, you are doing enough.

Yes sorry, what I meant was that I found 30 hours harder than 37.5 and say that 30 hours is the worst “balance” so add in all the other pressures, I think 22-24 hours would be more realistic.

I work 22.5 hours, single parent I have 3 of my 4 at home and youngest has complex needs and on reduced timetable at school and even then I’m exhausted totally drained. People have asked how I’m still working and I’m not sure. I can’t afford to lessen my hours or stop so I just continue on, work thankfully are supportive with appointments and meetings, but I try to schedule the majority on days I’m off, there are some that I can’t but they are fine with that. I feel in limbo relying partly on benefits. So if you’re pathetic so are the rest of us, but seriously it’s tough working and being a mum and having a child with needs, I hope you can find a solution soon but please don’t think you’re alone or you are less as you’re not,

We have a toxic culture that only values paid work rather than the usually more important unpaid work.

You are doing loads of unpaid work.

You are more than your job.

And agree with batch cooking. I’m a lone parent and work full-time. I make double the amount every time I make curry, chilli, pasta sauce etc, then I have a stack of ready meals.

Also, might not work, but try to get the kids to help you cook. It can keep them occupied, help you bond and they learn how to cook. Same with other household chores, if you stick some music on and tackle them together, like tidying a room, they often quite enjoy it at that age. I used to get mine to sort the washing into whites and darks etc.

People may not be voting right - within the thread title YABU for regarding yourself as pathetic. YANBU for feeling exhausted (in fact you're amazing). Judging from comments at least 99% of us agree with you!

You could cope with the hours if you didn't have a child with additional needs, a husband with a long term health condition and all office days. So the reasons you are not coping are nothing to do with your competence and everything to do with your circumstances. You are doing a fantastic job juggling paid work with the rest of your life. Do not feel even slightly bad at needing to do reduced hours.

I do 34 hours. Two dc, 9 and 7. Dh does full time shift work. It only works well as the dc have no additional needs, my mum picks them up from school a couple of times a week, I can work at home a couple of days and the office is anwady 20 min commute.

With a child with additional needs, a teen who might need a bit more time spent with them, it sounds like a struggle. If you can afford to work fewer hours then discuss it with work. If you are civil service perhaps raise the possibility of a jobshare?

That’s a lot to juggle if your job isn’t just out of your home but requires a lot of driving in unfamiliar areas, which is stressful and tiring.

Confide in your manager, as they may be able to help reduce the stress until you can find another job that’s home or office-based. I’m a manager and would try to make reasonable adjustments.

Check on Citizen’s Advice website to make sure you’re claiming all the benefits you’re entitled to.

This won’t last forever, when the kids are older it does get easier. Hang in there.

You’re not lazy! You know this deep down. Stop beating yourself up to be superhuman and allow yourself to also need help care and support. You’ve got loads on your plate so running yourself into the ground AND berating yourself on top of it is just a massive act of self-harm.

32 hours is a lot with everything you have going on. I do 22 over 4 days with no real pressures other than the typical school run drama where nobody gets ready and I'm exhausted! I don't want to increase my hours until at least one child is more self sufficient.

Who says full time is the goal we should be looking to achieve anyway, nobody would ever work full time if they didn't need to financially. I've never heard anybody say that if they won the lottery they would work full time and never outsource anything to make life easier. It's always that they would quit their job/hire a cleaner/nanny etc.

You're doing great however many hours you work.

32 hours is a lot with everything you have going on. I do 22 over 4 days with no real pressures other than the typical school run drama where nobody gets ready and I'm exhausted! I don't want to increase my hours until at least one child is more self sufficient.

Who says full time is the goal we should be looking to achieve anyway, nobody would ever work full time if they didn't need to financially. I've never heard anybody say that if they won the lottery they would work full time and never outsource anything to make life easier. It's always that they would quit their job/hire a cleaner/nanny etc.

You're doing great however many hours you work.

If you work for govt your pension will be better than 90% of people's I should think!

Yanbu to reduce your hours. I'm currently doing 30 and considering dropping to 26/27 as I'm struggling. Similar to you, child with extra needs. DH is great but works long hours.

I completely understand. I am the same absolutely exhausted and struggling, my husband has cancer, one of my teens has a bowel disease and is in a massive flare, and my dad is very poorly, I do work full time, from home if I was out of the house and in the office I would not be able to cope.

I am broken - physically and emotionally.

I know things will get better I am desperately hoping

I am trying to outsource a lot of things but the reality is I can’t afford to keep it up

It's not. It's all weighed, measured, prepped etc. I personally use gousto and there are 200 recipes, we often use the 10 minute ones or the pasta pronto etc where there is very little to do. Of course there will be some minor cooking involved but it's preferable to unhealthy ready meals or takeaways which are full of crap and cost a fortune.

@Outtherelookingin
Hello fresh is cooking from scratch, there's little time saved there

Has your DH checked he's entitled to any help? PIP? any UC?
You have a lot on your plate, try doing a budget and see how much you can manage in without being too restrictive and see if it allows a reduction in hours, you only have so much to give.

Maybe try gousto or hello fresh- healthier and cheaper alternative but no thinking or much prepping required. I would also look for a remote job or hybrid at least in your shoes. What industry do you work in? I'm in finance if i can help at all. Good luck OP

Well you’ve got a lot going on.

If OP didn't have a child with ASD and a husband with a disability (or even only one of those) I would agree but the demands those place means she actually needs the time as there are things that cannot really be outsourced and the mental load is higher. It's not just time to get the cooking and hoovering done.

Although to be quite honest what would have suited me best would have been 5 days but shorter hours. I had to stay out of work totally for longer than I would have liked as one of my ASD kids just could not handle longer hours out of the house and finding work that fit exactly into school hours was like hens' teeth.

Batch cooking is really useful: pop food into boxes and freeze them. No more takeaways! Very best wishes 🌹

@Gerrymandering1 OP I'm a sahm with older kids (11 and 14). My eldest is ASD, my husband has an irregular job where he could be home one week and gone the next. Noone else but me could handle my eldest, not even devoted Mil (not more than a couple of hours). He is really difficult (not his fault) and although he's got schooling partially I could not possibly work unless it was tailormade the hours he's out of the house.
So I am not working at all and yet I am exhausted, drained by my DS disability I would say. We can manage financially because we are careful with expenses. Stop comparing yourself with others! Nobody knows your situation better than you. You have to think about your health in order to be able to care for your family. They are number one so you are number one as well. ❤️

It all depends how invested you are in what you do IMO. Some people are 'copers', and may do so by getting by with an instinct for minimum input from themself while being adept to get others to do the work.
Your post shows you are empathetic and conscientious and want to do the best job you can. Is that maybe why you struggle more than you imagine others would? Aside from the fact you also seem to be a perfectionist and expect yourself to do the impossible.....
Also depends on your job of course, as well as your other support systems, travel to work time, whether your kids are in private school with longer hours etc etc.. I guess you don't have family 'round the corner'?

‘Full time work’ hasn’t changed since the days husbands had a full time housewife at home. I honestly don’t think it’s feasible now that the norm is both parents working. There’s also a lot more parental involvement in schooling and extra curricular activities than I remember from when I was a child!

As long as you can afford to live, I think you should work however many hours works for you. It sounds like you shoulder a lot of responsibility for caring for your family, so there’s no benefit in running yourself into the ground because it benefits everyone for you to keep yourself well, mentally and physically.

I am in a similar situation of working very part time - having always been pretty high achieving and driven, it feels a bit wrong to me - but I know working more wouldn’t make me any happier, because home life would suffer.