To feel absolutely pathetic that I can't manage full time work

You are doing amazingly, juggling all that.
Go back to 30 hours.

I think in our year group I knew of one person who worked full time! There could have been a couple of others but we all knew each other mostly and although most worked in some capacity unless they had younger children it really was uncommon for anyone to work ft.

But I imagine its area and demographic too. A private school with good wrap around care probably has more parents who both work full time.

I was replying to the poster who said she didn't know of anyone doing more than 30 hours. Like I said, at those dc ages most people I know are. Obviously if circumstances make this difficult then they can't. In OPs case, it sounds as though circumstances are indeed difficult and she's made the best decision for her in going back to 3 days.

I can't handle any work at all! Please don't feel bad. You should do what you can to make you happy and comfortable. I hope you're on all the benefits you're entitled to?
Everything you do to either make money, further your life, help others, or just occupy time is a positive. And taking time to care for yourself as well is really important.

https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/#self-compassion-exercises

Can I recomend thinking about self compassion. This has really helped me too: when things get tough I'm no longer telling myself off.

You are very unreasonable. You are caring for two children and a sick husband - that sounds like AT LEAST a half time job! That means you have time for maybe a half time job on top. I appreciate that there might be an element needing some money, but cut down to what you need financially. And don't feel guilty unless you've dishonestly forgotten to tell us you have several superpowers....

I'm perimenopausal too - it's made such a difference going to 3 days. Good for you being proactive and looking after yourself.

I voted YABU because of course you shouldn't feel pathetic - you're doing a hell of a lot!

I haven't got half as much on my plate and I'm on 3 days a week. I bloody love it! I may go back up when circumstances change, but for now I'm going to enjoy a bit of breathing space in my paid work.

I agree with what you say generally.

But it’s not the case that 30 years ago it was normal for one parent to stay at home. In the 1990s, 43% of mothers with children under 5 years old worked. And was likely higher for mothers of older kids.

And even in 1975, 49% of couples with children had both parents in work. There were plenty of ‘latch key kids’.

It’s always been common for working class mothers to have to work outside the home (in shops, factories, mills, cafes etc) to make ends meet and have their own income. Both my grandmothers did, despite having three kids each.

How much can children with ASD be expected to help out? My son is 9 with autism. He can't read. He can't walk outside without me holding him incase he ran into the road. He doesn't sleep through the night. I know I'm not alone, with other parents experiencing the same or worse. You sound extremely ignorant (at best).

Nearly everyone I know does, I don't think comparisons are helpful because everyone's situation is different.

If you can cope financially on fewer hours, you should definitely do that - it doesn't have to be forever. I'm a lone parent and stuck in a FT job I can't stand any more. I'd love to get a new job, but the extra money (and even job satisfaction) would mean less time with my child, even less time for myself and more stress and that's a cost I'm not prepared to pay.

I tell myself it's not forever. At the moment, this is how life is for you - it doesn't mean that it'll always be. We all have limits, don't put yourself under more pressure.

I only work 24 hours and I'm exhausted. I can just about juggle the work hours around family, but it's the mental load that wears me down. All seemingly simple things on their own, like remembering to book after school clubs or the dentist, but they pile up in to a huge mountain of things that I'm constantly thinking about. Even when "relaxing" watching TV, I'm on my phone getting car insurance quotes, sending childcare payments, researching Christmas presents, organising play dates. My mind never gets a break, I feel like I need a full time PA just to organise normal every day family life!

Similar situation here and I've resigned. I'm in my notice period now. Money will be tighter but I'm hoping I can dedicate the time to my children that they need - something I'm not doing now.

OP you are doing amazing. Take it back to 3 days if you can.

Jobs used to be 9-5! These days many of them are 8-6….which is really horrible but somehow have become normalised.

The best I could get was 8-5.. I’ll admit it I am shattered!

No need for this at all.

100% this.

Flexible working from Covid has lots of benefits but it also means blurred lines and more stress in some cases.

I also couldn't manage full time work and haven't worked full time since having children. I've always found the talk boards here are really toxic when it comes to this issue.

You are not pathetic at all. You sound amazing, working and trying to do the best for your family. I bet you are rarely able to prioritize yourself.

I have 3 kids, 1 is ND, as I am. I work full time and have no family support BUT I have a full time live in nanny and a cleaner. I have no idea how I would cope without. So I think the fact that you have done it until now is incredible.

Keep in mind that 30 yrs ago the ‘normal’ was considered to be a stay at home parent, not two full time working parents.

And pre Covid - the ‘normal’ was that working hours plus the full commute time needed child care arrangements.

This flexible juggling thing is a very new phenomena, and in reality it doesn’t actually work for many people.

You’re being realistic, and trying to hold decent standards in your parenting, family life and work. That’s admirable. People who claim to do the lot almost always aren’t. Generally because they’ve got jobs that aren’t overly demanding.

I think this is the real problem with 4 days - managers don't really treat it as part time at all, they just expect you to do 5 days work in 4 and get paid less!

I have a child with ASD and mental health problems, and the admin and appointments and emotional support could be a full time job in itself. It's exhausting, especially if your DC like many kids with ASD is a poor sleeper. Add in an unwell husband and it's no wonder you're struggling. If you don't need the money desperately, do yourself a favour and go back to 3 days. Sod disappointing your manager - they'd cut your hours in a heartbeat if it suited the business, so don't run yourself ragged and impact your health for their benefit.

It’s not that you can’t cope, it’s that your family need you during those hours and are not coping themselves. Be kind to yourself.

Not sure I voted right! But YANBU unable to cope. I work 30 hours and I feel on the edge constantly.