Sexless marriage 😞

Yes. In my opinion when women go off sex with their current partner they (the woman) often experience it as total loss of interest in all sex. And perhaps that is what they tell their partner, really believing it, and the partner believes it too.

But with a new partner their interest in sex returns.

You need to talk to your wife. If she is not menopausal or experiencing significant hormone changes (pregnancy etc) and she seems to have zero sex drive when she had one before, it is almost certainly a problem with how she feels about you.

I know that’s hard to hear, and I wouldn’t like to hear it myself. But only by being realistic is it possible to make an informed decision as to whether you can carry on like this or not.

Good luck to you both in reaching a solution that works for you.

Was going to name change for this but sod it.

I have been married to DH for 22 yrs. Pretty good marriage, we get on and do things together, however I’ve totally gone off sex. I used to really love sex and was way more adventurous than him. Now my skin crawls when I even think about DTD with him.

He will be wondering why, I expect. He hasn’t asked so I haven’t contributed any reasons or excuses.

For me, these are my reasons.

He brushes his teeth once in a blue moon. I don’t want to kiss him because of his breath. It’s difficult even sleeping in the same bed. He’s the type to take offence and sulk for days so I haven’t directly said to him this is one of the reasons. I’m also not his parent. He’s 46, HE should know to brush his own teeth. Or to go to the dentist.

Sex lasts approximately 30-40 seconds then it’s over. The very second I get into it, it stops. So what’s the point? We’ve spoken about this but for some reason he won’t address this issue with a GP, because let’s face it, it’s not an issue for him. He gets his orgasm and I get wet for nothing. Again, I shouldn’t have to nag an adult to see a doctor. Especially when I don’t even care to have sex. I’ve given up asking him to sort this out. So his selfishness over this is a large contributor to my dwindling libido.

Limited attraction from my end. I guess sometimes this fades over time. He’s a good looking man, just with the teeth issue and other things, the attraction just isn’t there for me anymore.

Uneven distribution of housework. He does very little. I’m naturally the default parent and always have been. He acts like an additional child, which is not sexy for me. Eg, the teeth issue and the premature ejac issue, if I told him to brush teeth, he willingly would. But I’m not his fucking parent. If I booked the dr appointment, he’d go. Again, not my job. I am tired of being the chief decision maker by default despite never signing up for the role. All of that makes me less and less attracted to him. I’m attracted to intelligence and initiative, when that’s gone there’s nothing for me to be attracted to.

He makes zero attempt to woo me into bed. He thinks he can just get it out and I’ll be ready, or he can rub my back for 20 seconds to fire me up so I’ll be raring to go. No dates arranged. No flirting other than some cringy innuendos that remind me of Bruce Fortsythe or worse.

He’s genuinely one of life’s great guys (I know my description hasn’t sold him), he really is though. We are an amazing team and I actually believe if he ever asked me “why?” I would tell him the reasons stated above, but he doesn’t even take the initiative to ask me, so I’m not offering the information. If this was a situation that bothered me then I would sort it, but right now, I don’t care for sex. Libido is low. When it does come, I sort myself out.

But I’m sure he is like many, many men who are perplexed as to why their wives don’t want to sleep with them anymore. I know he finds me attractive. I look and weigh the same as I did when we met in high school and I’ve worked hard to keep my looks and figure. He always touches me and I hate it.

And yes, we can do other things other than sex. He loves to give oral, but sometimes you just want a good shag, don’t you?

Anyway, should he ever be looking on Mumsnet for answers, he may see this response and click. But OP, not sure on your situation, but all I ever see is bewildered men who have no idea why sex has dried up, when they have similar qualities to my DH.

Was going to name change for this but sod it.

I have been married to DH for 22 yrs. Pretty good marriage, we get on and do things together, however I’ve totally gone off sex. I used to really love sex and was way more adventurous than him. Now my skin crawls when I even think about DTD with him.

He will be wondering why, I expect. He hasn’t asked so I haven’t contributed any reasons or excuses.

For me, these are my reasons.

He brushes his teeth once in a blue moon. I don’t want to kiss him because of his breath. It’s difficult even sleeping in the same bed. He’s the type to take offence and sulk for days so I haven’t directly said to him this is one of the reasons. I’m also not his parent. He’s 46, HE should know to brush his own teeth. Or to go to the dentist.

Sex lasts approximately 30-40 seconds then it’s over. The very second I get into it, it stops. So what’s the point? We’ve spoken about this but for some reason he won’t address this issue with a GP, because let’s face it, it’s not an issue for him. He gets his orgasm and I get wet for nothing. Again, I shouldn’t have to nag an adult to see a doctor. Especially when I don’t even care to have sex. I’ve given up asking him to sort this out. So his selfishness over this is a large contributor to my dwindling libido.

Limited attraction from my end. I guess sometimes this fades over time. He’s a good looking man, just with the teeth issue and other things, the attraction just isn’t there for me anymore.

Uneven distribution of housework. He does very little. I’m naturally the default parent and always have been. He acts like an additional child, which is not sexy for me. Eg, the teeth issue and the premature ejac issue, if I told him to brush teeth, he willingly would. But I’m not his fucking parent. If I booked the dr appointment, he’d go. Again, not my job. I am tired of being the chief decision maker by default despite never signing up for the role. All of that makes me less and less attracted to him. I’m attracted to intelligence and initiative, when that’s gone there’s nothing for me to be attracted to.

He makes zero attempt to woo me into bed. He thinks he can just get it out and I’ll be ready, or he can rub my back for 20 seconds to fire me up so I’ll be raring to go. No dates arranged. No flirting other than some cringy innuendos that remind me of Bruce Fortsythe or worse.

He’s genuinely one of life’s great guys (I know my description hasn’t sold him), he really is though. We are an amazing team and I actually believe if he ever asked me “why?” I would tell him the reasons stated above, but he doesn’t even take the initiative to ask me, so I’m not offering the information. If this was a situation that bothered me then I would sort it, but right now, I don’t care for sex. Libido is low. When it does come, I sort myself out.

But I’m sure he is like many, many men who are perplexed as to why their wives don’t want to sleep with them anymore. I know he finds me attractive. I look and weigh the same as I did when we met in high school and I’ve worked hard to keep my looks and figure. He always touches me and I hate it.

And yes, we can do other things other than sex. He loves to give oral, but sometimes you just want a good shag, don’t you?

Anyway, should he ever be looking on Mumsnet for answers, he may see this response and click. But OP, not sure on your situation, but all I ever see is bewildered men who have no idea why sex has dried up, when they have similar qualities to my DH.

I agree and I’m not suggesting to sound harsh. Lots of people will question division of chores, post children hormones etc. but sometimes it’s simply because woman is no longer interested in sex either at all or with her partner. doesn’t sound like she is motivated to change the situation and I don’t think any amount of wooing and taking on the mental load by you will change that.

you may need to consider whether this is how you want to live

Well, I have "unilaterally decided" at 40, now at 45 I couldn't be happier.
Offered husband a divorce, open marriage, wouldn't hear of that.
No sex is great, at least in my life 👍

She doesn't get to just unilaterally decide you're living a life without sex.
This has been a long standing problem so can't just be blamed on babies.

You would be more than right to force the discussion with no wishy washy pandering.

But honestly, you've got 1 life I would absolutly put divorce on the table.

Both working from home 80% of time. She's worshiped by both of the kids. Cling to her at times. Easier said than done talking about it. Have talked in the past but never made much of a difference.

Was going to name change for this but sod it.

I have been married to DH for 22 yrs. Pretty good marriage, we get on and do things together, however I’ve totally gone off sex. I used to really love sex and was way more adventurous than him. Now my skin crawls when I even think about DTD with him.

He will be wondering why, I expect. He hasn’t asked so I haven’t contributed any reasons or excuses.

For me, these are my reasons.

He brushes his teeth once in a blue moon. I don’t want to kiss him because of his breath. It’s difficult even sleeping in the same bed. He’s the type to take offence and sulk for days so I haven’t directly said to him this is one of the reasons. I’m also not his parent. He’s 46, HE should know to brush his own teeth. Or to go to the dentist.

Sex lasts approximately 30-40 seconds then it’s over. The very second I get into it, it stops. So what’s the point? We’ve spoken about this but for some reason he won’t address this issue with a GP, because let’s face it, it’s not an issue for him. He gets his orgasm and I get wet for nothing. Again, I shouldn’t have to nag an adult to see a doctor. Especially when I don’t even care to have sex. I’ve given up asking him to sort this out. So his selfishness over this is a large contributor to my dwindling libido.

Limited attraction from my end. I guess sometimes this fades over time. He’s a good looking man, just with the teeth issue and other things, the attraction just isn’t there for me anymore.

Uneven distribution of housework. He does very little. I’m naturally the default parent and always have been. He acts like an additional child, which is not sexy for me. Eg, the teeth issue and the premature ejac issue, if I told him to brush teeth, he willingly would. But I’m not his fucking parent. If I booked the dr appointment, he’d go. Again, not my job. I am tired of being the chief decision maker by default despite never signing up for the role. All of that makes me less and less attracted to him. I’m attracted to intelligence and initiative, when that’s gone there’s nothing for me to be attracted to.

He makes zero attempt to woo me into bed. He thinks he can just get it out and I’ll be ready, or he can rub my back for 20 seconds to fire me up so I’ll be raring to go. No dates arranged. No flirting other than some cringy innuendos that remind me of Bruce Fortsythe or worse.

He’s genuinely one of life’s great guys (I know my description hasn’t sold him), he really is though. We are an amazing team and I actually believe if he ever asked me “why?” I would tell him the reasons stated above, but he doesn’t even take the initiative to ask me, so I’m not offering the information. If this was a situation that bothered me then I would sort it, but right now, I don’t care for sex. Libido is low. When it does come, I sort myself out.

But I’m sure he is like many, many men who are perplexed as to why their wives don’t want to sleep with them anymore. I know he finds me attractive. I look and weigh the same as I did when we met in high school and I’ve worked hard to keep my looks and figure. He always touches me and I hate it.

And yes, we can do other things other than sex. He loves to give oral, but sometimes you just want a good shag, don’t you?

Anyway, should he ever be looking on Mumsnet for answers, he may see this response and click. But OP, not sure on your situation, but all I ever see is bewildered men who have no idea why sex has dried up, when they have similar qualities to my DH.

I see both sides here. The teeth thing, sure, no excuse. I can 100% understand why this is a deal breaker. But the rest, I sort of see as a negative feedback loop, and I think there has to be a bit of give and take from both sides.

If sex is infrequent, he is WAY less likely to exercise his orgasmic control. I think this is true for most men. If you haven't had chocolate in a year, it's amazing when you return to it. If sex is infrequent, that sensation and buzz is going to make him go in half the time of a 'regular'. The less it happens, the worse it gets. Sadly, the quicker he goes, the less she wants it.

Same with dates and foreplay, and I think this is true for many relationships. At the start of a relationship, dates and foreplay often lead to sex. As the relationship grinds on, the 'conversion rate' naturally gets less and less. As such, many men see it as a wasted investment. Why take her out on dates if there's no sex? Why invest in lots of seduction, presents, effort, etc, if it's a coin flip?

There's are numerous papers saying women's sex drives naturally decline (for various reasons), while men's tend to stay fairly consistent. This is what I mean by conversion rate. If he puts in the same effort, he's going to get less and less return... and as the relationship goes on, the less effort he puts in, the less she subsequently wants sex too, so the less effort he puts in.

I think there's a danger for this to happen on both sides. It's easy for small things on both sides to snowball.

I see both sides here. The teeth thing, sure, no excuse. I can 100% understand why this is a deal breaker. But the rest, I sort of see as a negative feedback loop, and I think there has to be a bit of give and take from both sides.

If sex is infrequent, he is WAY less likely to exercise his orgasmic control. I think this is true for most men. If you haven't had chocolate in a year, it's amazing when you return to it. If sex is infrequent, that sensation and buzz is going to make him go in half the time of a 'regular'. The less it happens, the worse it gets. Sadly, the quicker he goes, the less she wants it.

Same with dates and foreplay, and I think this is true for many relationships. At the start of a relationship, dates and foreplay often lead to sex. As the relationship grinds on, the 'conversion rate' naturally gets less and less. As such, many men see it as a wasted investment. Why take her out on dates if there's no sex? Why invest in lots of seduction, presents, effort, etc, if it's a coin flip?

There's are numerous papers saying women's sex drives naturally decline (for various reasons), while men's tend to stay fairly consistent. This is what I mean by conversion rate. If he puts in the same effort, he's going to get less and less return... and as the relationship goes on, the less effort he puts in, the less she subsequently wants sex too, so the less effort he puts in.

I think there's a danger for this to happen on both sides. It's easy for small things on both sides to snowball.

But she shouldn't have to... That's the point.

It's like telling someone you want a birthday card. It's not special if you have to basically boss someone into doing the bare minimum.

And honestly, multiple posts on here from women who's husbands don't even brush their teeth. We are not their mothers and there's nothing more unsexy than having to treat a man like a toddler.