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Original poster

to not get the emphasis on friends in children's TV?

59 replies

igglepiggle599 · 12/11/2024 20:33

Not a complaint as such - more a point of curiosity.

Whenever I watch CBeebies or similar with my toddler, I'm always struck by the obsession with friends and how important they are, how they're the most important thing in life, etc. Think Mr. Tumble and the friends song, the song words in various programmes about never being alone when you have friends, the Chuggington stuff about how being with friends is the best thing ever. It's everywhere, and constant. There's always a heartwarming moment at the end of every show where somebody concludes that their friends are the most important thing in their life, or whatever.

I feel like I should be saying how I get what they're trying to do, but...I just don't! It seems like an emphasis that really rubs the joy of friendship in the faces of all the children in the world who struggle to make friends, whether because of disability, not having been taught appropriate social skills, being isolated, introverted, academically ahead or behind, or simply because they have an unusual personality.

Surely it would be more constructive to put the emphasis on being kind and accepting? These are positive character traits that most parents want their children to have (and traits they would wish their children's peers to have). The concept of 'friends' is more of a social label/position that doesn't really say anything inherent about desired behaviour.

Don't suppose anybody can shine any light on this?

OP posts:
Appleandoranges · 12/11/2024 21:31

I agree with you. Also to be honest adult programmes often elevate friendship too much. II think also everyone knows that happily ever after in romance is often not the whole story but there is not enough acknowledgement that friendships are also up and down and may not be happily ever after. In fact it's better for programs to have the message that there are often different routes to happiness. It could be friends but it also could be family/pets/hobbies or simply being on your own contented. I think elevating friendships often means children and teenagers often think they are missing out on something like having a tight knit circle of friends and could lead to unnecessary disappointment.

Oceangreyscale · 12/11/2024 21:30

I've never thought about this but you make a good point.

Firawla · 12/11/2024 21:28

Friends are very important in life - good quality friendship has a huge impact on happiness in life, I’m sure this has been proven in scientific studies?
Yes some children struggle to make friends but that doesn’t negate the positive impact of having friends, and as parents don’t we all encourage our children to nurture friendships where possible.
Rather than being annoyed at CBeebies I would put the energy into persisting with opportunities for friendship to develop
Im sure we have all seen many posts from people here in Mumsnet lonely and missing the fact that they don’t have friends. It absolutely is important, and I think talking about traits like kindness etc in a vacuum without mentioning friends is not going to be as engaging or relatable to young kids?

Original poster
igglepiggle599 · 12/11/2024 21:20

Hufflemuff · 12/11/2024 21:09

In these programmes the actors/characters are usually overly kind and overly well behaved to over emphasise good behaviours. None of its realistic.

How would you end the episodes? "Sarah and Daniel resolved their dispute calmly, shook hands and went home separately to eat their dinner... next time they saw one another, they waved cordially and played on separate playground equipment, respecting eachothers differences and space." It's never that bland, of course it has to turn any dispute around into a best case scenario of "and they lived happily ever after!"

Show quote history

It doesn't have to be one of the two extremes. And young children typically won't register how 'realistic' something is. That's the problem.

The scenario you suggest as the reason for these plots (e.g. kindness = everyone automatically wants to be your best friend) creates an overly simple cause-and-effect explanation that implies that children who don't have friends are somehow 'unkind' and therefore don't deserve friends anyway. In reality, friendships (including friendships amongst young children) are highly complex and dependent on many things. They can seem almost random and completely arbitrary. That's why I think it's better to focus on character.

Also, to clarify, I don't object to a programme suggesting that kindness can help you make friends (largely because, as you point out, I don't have a great alternative!). I'm querying why there's a constant focus on friends being the most important thing in life.

OP posts:
Hufflemuff · 12/11/2024 21:09

igglepiggle599 · 12/11/2024 20:43

I get what you're saying, but many people who are kind, understanding, accepting, etc. still struggle to have friends due to all the reasons I mentioned. It's as much about personality and the general attitude of a child's peer group as it is about the child's behaviour.

I suppose I think that having friends shouldn't be seen as the be all and end all - we should teach children to aspire to be good people regardless of whether other people choose to recognise their positive traits.

Show quote history

In these programmes the actors/characters are usually overly kind and overly well behaved to over emphasise good behaviours. None of its realistic.

How would you end the episodes? "Sarah and Daniel resolved their dispute calmly, shook hands and went home separately to eat their dinner... next time they saw one another, they waved cordially and played on separate playground equipment, respecting eachothers differences and space." It's never that bland, of course it has to turn any dispute around into a best case scenario of "and they lived happily ever after!"

Original poster
igglepiggle599 · 12/11/2024 20:43

Hufflemuff · 12/11/2024 20:40

"It would be more constructive to put the emphasis on being kind and accepting"

Isn't that what they're doing with the majority of the story lines anyway? They are kind and because they're kind, they have friends?

I get what you're saying, but many people who are kind, understanding, accepting, etc. still struggle to have friends due to all the reasons I mentioned. It's as much about personality and the general attitude of a child's peer group as it is about the child's behaviour.

I suppose I think that having friends shouldn't be seen as the be all and end all - we should teach children to aspire to be good people regardless of whether other people choose to recognise their positive traits.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 12/11/2024 20:42

I’d never really thought about it before, but you’re right. It sets kids up to expect a level of perfect kindness and empathy that is actually quite rare, even in adult friendships. They can spend a lifetime thinking something is missing and feel very lonely.

Far better to teach them how to disagree well and rub along generally with all sorts of people.

Hufflemuff · 12/11/2024 20:40

"It would be more constructive to put the emphasis on being kind and accepting"

Isn't that what they're doing with the majority of the story lines anyway? They are kind and because they're kind, they have friends?

MumOfOneAllAlone · 12/11/2024 20:35

I agree with you

I know friends are important but sometimes it's hard to make friends, especially as a child with asd, like my 5yo

She's not speaking yet and can only play alongside others as opposed to with them

I'm always worrying about it, as she doesn't have any siblings or cousins either 🥺😪

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