SIL describing herself as "retired" pissing me off

I do all my own gardening. And work for an employer. Does that mean that I have 2 jobs? What do I put as my profession when asked? I also clean and cook, do painting and decorating, etc. Are these also my jobs? I don’t consider these things as the same as when I earn money from something. That, to me, is working my job. The other things are activities that I have to do, but I don’t see it as a job of work, even though it’s bloody hard ‘work’ …. Just find this being a mum is a job a bit confusing to be honest (not disputing that it is hard work mind!)

@mayorofcasterbridge

What do you put then - unemployed?

If asked I say I don't work. Im not looking for work so unemployed doesn't feel right. I had a professional career and worked up until my early thirties which is now over 30 years ago so I don't feel right calling myself by my former profession although I will do if I think it's what the person asking needs me to do. (in order to stop bothering me)

Not RTFT but I would feel EXACTLY the same OP. However it’s shit. It’s rubbish that working full time with kids is so bloody hard and draining, and not that much in anyone’s interests half the time.. And it’s rubbish that not doing that leaves you so vulnerable and condescended to by the rest of society.

In my childhood, children, especially those of parents who had a farming background it seems, were required to do a great deal of the household labour. We were latchkey kids. I was responsible, from age 8, for cooking dinner at least two, and sometimes three evenings a week while my mother played golf and socialised at the 19th with the girls. . We kids were largely neglected most of the time, especially at weekends, when our parents left us to our own devices from the age of 5. From the age of ten, we were responsible for all the vegetable gardens, from twelve, mowing half an acre of lawns and painting a huge old wooden villa. This while keeping up with our studies.We had no social life. My mother was at best a part-time mother, and at worst disgracefully neglectful. There were plenty more like her back then, too...though they had had an easy war with little or no hardship.

But when, as the product of the first wave of post-war feminine empowerment, I went back to work when my first child was 5 months, she was hateful to me, saying that she was disgusted that my husband could not "keep" me and that DS1 would be permanently scarred. I am quite bitter about her implication that she was a full-time worker in the home and family by describing herself as "retired". Her recollections were full of how hard she worked to grow our own food, fill the cake tins, feed us nourishing and well-balanced meals. Ermmm, no.

OP, she and her OH made the decision (and could afford to make the decision) that she would be at home for the kids, and devote their working hours (and realistically, probably all their time) to the kids and his welfare, food, cleaning, organisation, facilitation of everything and emotional wellbeing.

Lucky him and her kids. It's not nothing.

And there is always a price to pay, whichever choice you make (or don't make). Nothing is free.

Whoever said we live in a sexist economy is right.

Just ignore your SIL when she says she’s retired. She’s been unemployed/bankrolled by a husband for a long time.

I have a lot of friends who don’t work with secondary age children. It’s fine until their other half leaves/cheats/dies earlier than expected/realises it’s too expensive to fund two people from one pension 🤷🏼‍♀️ Try not to be annoyed, it’s not an enviable position for her to be in.

I have a friend who hasn’t worked for a while, children are grown up and his wife works long hours and earns big bucks. He describes his occupation as ‘trophy husband’.

You've been working. Just unpaid as a carer. Different circumstances really.

No they don't. They delegate it to someone else. When I was at work, I wasn't changing nappies, reading to my child, comforting them when they hurt themselves ,preparing their meals, feeding them, putting them down for a nap. When they got older I wasn't dropping them off or picking them up, I wasn't making them dinner, I wasn't taking them to the clubs that started before 6. Post 6pm, I would do that. SAHM's tend to do it ALL DAY. You don't have to pretend that you parented your child whilst you were at work. It's ok if you didn't.

It is possible to leave the occupation space blank - we do this if the informant doesn't know what the deceased's occupation was.

Homemaker is the usual if someone never worked, for whatever reason (disability or choice). I personally prefer that to housewife.

Maybe THIS is why she calls her self "retired". You clearly feel superior because you worked. Lots of people do. Maybe she's fed up opening herself up to the judgement and superiority of others.

Retirement is usually understood to mean retiring from a paid job. I agree with OP.

Why feel sorry for her? I worked for almost 50 years, but didn't have any "success" in the working world - because I didn't want it. I worked to pay the bills, nothing more. Believe it or not there is more to life than work for some of us.

She's not retired is she, she is a housewife. And then when she hits state pension age is a pensioner. 'Retired' doesn't come into it.

Not sure I'd be annoyed, but a while ago I was speaking with a lady who was in her 70s, had never worked, had lived a very fancy ex-pat lifestyle with her oil company husband, DC and no doubt nannies. She, too, was 'retired'. When an older man in the group graciously made a comment to the younger people about working and 'thank you for paying my pension' (which is factually true, the younger generation pays for the older), the lady bristled that 'they're not paying mine.' Well no, the bulk would have been from her husband's mega pension, but she certainly hadn't paid any herself.

I think it's because I assume retired means retired from work. Paid work.

As said don't let it bother you..

Just tell people you're a retired...nurse/accountant/
receptionist...or whatever.

Leave your SIL to say what she will... if she's happy to say she's a retired SAHM so be it.

This. What a ridiculous thing to bother you. If she doesn't work then surely she is allowed to call herself retired. You are envious of her - that is your problem, not hers.

Assumption, assumption, assumption. 🙄

Im surprised at all the negative responses. Just want to say, 'I hear ya'! X and enjoy your well deserved retirement as you really do deserve it!

This. Just life. But some can’t cope or are lazy. Both are fine, but don’t pretend.

So what about when the children go to school? Are the teachers providing childcare then?

Hate it however you want, it doesn't change the fact that working mothers (and let's face it, it is predominantly mothers) still shoulder all the responsibilities for their children as they would if they were at home with them. I don't know of regular childcare that takes them to the doctor/dentist, to get their hair cut, does school uniform shopping, yada yada yada. Working mums just have to squeeze more of their responsibilities into less time.

If you’re not from the uk why as you assuming every other poster, are only from the uk Anyone can comment on MN from around the world, just like you are.

role models

Well people aren’t going to start a thread saying how much they aren’t struggling, are they? People tend to start threads on here when they are struggling.

I work FT with 3 children and don’t find it particularly hard and I’m not depressed at all. Some days are obviously harder than others, it can also be tiring at times too but overall? It’s great and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Look after the house!! Working women have to look after the house just as much, but they have to fit it around working and commuting! I suppose the people who never work again after they have kids, even when the kids are long gone, would say that they're looking after the house, which is a cop-out. People who don't work and don't have young children are just lazy.

The thing is if you choose to have 4 children, it's going to be a very hard and expensive road no.matter what you do, and you will get no applause.