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Original poster

Help… Drowning in constant hen dos, weddings, party invites & birthdays

56 replies

Milkshakebanana · 12/11/2024 13:59

I am a 30 year old mum to a 1 year old DD. I’ve been back to work since August and I do Mon - Wednesday and every other Friday so I am on partime wage. DH works full time. Due to maternity leave (SMP) and unexpected bills for example having to purchase a new car and new boiler - money is tight.

I am at a time in my life where friends and family are getting married, wanting hen do’s, 30th birthdays and baby showers. Not to mention Christmas next month!

I just feel unreasonable and awful that I can’t attend or celebrate the events that I’m invited to. I have maybe 7 friends so not 100’s, but so far I’ve had to decline 2 hen dos for best friends due to costs and I’ve only managed to afford a £10 gift for another best friends baby shower.

I feel like as a close friend of people I’ve know 20 years plus I should be attending their special moments. I know I’m going to have major fomo next year when I see the hen do’s and parties I’m missing out on.

Am I unreasonable? Would you think bad of me if I was a close friend unable to spend money on your hen? I feel like I’m going to cry.

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 12/11/2024 14:43

You're not unreasonable in the slightest OP. I've turned down two extravagant hen dos in the past couple of years that technically I could have afforded but weren't how I wanted to spend my money or my annual leave. What I did instead was send enough money for a bottle of something sparkly with one of the friends who was going and asked them to get everyone a drink on me (but I only did that because I could afford to, you shouldn't feel obligated to do anything similar).

If a hen do is being organised that excludes some of the friendship group purely due to cost to attend then it's the organisers of it that are unreasonable.

As for a baby shower, a £10 gift is more than fine! I had a baby this year and would frankly have been horrified and embarrassed if anyone had bought us that high a value item.

cheezncrackers · 12/11/2024 14:39

YANBU and hen dos that cost £300+ are utterly unreasonable! Particularly when you consider that that's before the wedding, which usually involves a new outfit, a night in a hotel, childcare and a present on top. Lose the guilt OP. If hen dos still consisted of a night out they'd almost certainly be better attended! The narcissism and entitlement around weddings these days is out of control.

lazarusb · 12/11/2024 14:32

To be honest op, I work full time on a good salary, am currently mortgage free and have a good amount of 'fun' money but even I wouldn't want to spend several hundred pounds on hen nights etc. Hopefully your friends will understand you are giving what you can actually afford. If they want you to get into debt for them, they aren't real friends.

Original poster
Milkshakebanana · 12/11/2024 14:27

Friend who is having a baby shower, all the girls in the group chat are talking about purchasing her a pram which she wanted which is nearly £800 so they want us all to chip in nearly £100… I’ve said no and bought baby an outfit instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Milkshakebanana · 12/11/2024 14:26

Ponderingwindow · 12/11/2024 14:18

Or maybe if people really cared about friendship, they wouldn’t be planning expensive parties in the first place.

when I was in this life stage, a small baby gift was fine. A hen do was a local night out near the wedding. if you didn’t happen to live locally, you couldn’t arrive early enough to attend the hen do, you just didn’t attend .

the shift in expectations and pressure to spend money and pto to prove your friendship is out of control.

My 30th was during maternity leave so I didn’t really “go out and celebrate”

However my hen do cost about £75-80 per person. My friends hen dos so far I’ve been asked to pay £345 and almost £400 for the ones I’ve had to decline.

Perhaps you are also right, people have more expensive taste these days!!

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 12/11/2024 14:18

Or maybe if people really cared about friendship, they wouldn’t be planning expensive parties in the first place.

when I was in this life stage, a small baby gift was fine. A hen do was a local night out near the wedding. if you didn’t happen to live locally, you couldn’t arrive early enough to attend the hen do, you just didn’t attend .

the shift in expectations and pressure to spend money and pto to prove your friendship is out of control.