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Original poster

Has this friendship run its course?

56 replies

Chattenoire · 12/11/2024 09:21

I've written about this friend before.

I think we've been friends for 3 years, we met after I posted in a local Facebook group.

Although we don't have a lot in common, we liked each other enough and there was enough "chemistry".

However, this year things changed. We started noticing that her DH will look for ways to NOT split the tabs evenly when going out for example.

Then she decided she'd come to cook for me to celebrate my birthday (I did post about that) I was extremely uncomfortable about the idea, and in the end they came and watched the football (which I totally dislike).

We also looked after their dog and in turn they looked after hours. We hosted their dog while they'd just come and check on ours (it was only for the odd night away) but what they never told is that the neighbours had complained before about our dog being distressed. We thought she was fine. We now have a wonderful dog sitter, but if I had known from the very start our dog was so unhappy we would never have done it.

Then this weekend she came to pop in with minimal notice (10 mins) and when I was telling her about my latest conundrum (which has the full support of my DH) and she just started telling me off. So I feel like I can't be ME around her so to speak.

I'm ND and I have severe attachment issues. I go through phases of really not liking people, so I don't know if I'm going through one. I don't have many friends (just another one who I like and we have more in common) but then that's it.

From a very utilitarian POV I'm concerned about losing the few friends that I have.

OP posts:
Waterboatlass · 12/11/2024 09:39

Sounds to me like you need to improve your communication and boundaries and they highlight this in a lot of stressful ways. They sound like they have different approaches to you in terms of money/ time/ goods and how you approach favours and with listening to people etc.

They don't sound like they have much goodwill or generosity of spirit in the way they do things. A bit hard nosed, maybe.

I don't think you need to cut them off entirely but you could scale back the house visits, dog sitting, heart to hearts and just have drinks in the pub paid in rounds? Maybe see them as more acquaintances than friends. Someone you know from the community but aren't incredibly close to.

In future be clearer though. Bills are split or you pay for what you had. Politely refuse if you don't want them in your house cooking.

TH1NG1E · 12/11/2024 09:39

What made you think leaving your dog on it's own overnight was ok? That's not ok.

Splitting the bill....what's the back story? Some people having much more expensive things than others? Drinking alcohol vs no alcohol?

When you say she started telling you off...what did she say?

Original poster
Chattenoire · 12/11/2024 09:38

Falalalalah · 12/11/2024 09:29

Honestly, OP, you sound like you struggle with boundaries and clear communication. I remember your thread about a friend who loved to cook, but wanted to come and do it in your house, under the impression she was doing you a favour, whereas you hated the mess etc. You present this friend's acts as if you have no choice in any of them -- the alternative to her not cooking for your birthday in your house is not her watching a football match in your house! Did you not say 'I hate football, and have no intention of watching a football match on my birthday. Let's do X instead'?

You're responsible for your own dog's welfare, and for relations with your neighbours -- if she only dropped in occasionally to check on the dog, presumably she's unlikely to have realised he/she was unhappy?

And surely you can avoid socialising with her DH, if she's your specific friend?

You're the only one who can call time on this friendship I have to say, though, that you don't sound as if there's much liking/respect here. You've listed all the things she does 'wrong' what made you friends with her in the first place? Do you actually, genuinely like her, or, as you say, you want to hold on to any friend you have, because you don't have many?

Edited

I actually don't know! And her husband and my DH have become friends too, but my DH totally sees my POV.

OP posts:
Falalalalah · 12/11/2024 09:29

Sorry unintentional strikethrough.

Falalalalah · 12/11/2024 09:29

Honestly, OP, you sound like you struggle with boundaries and clear communication. I remember your thread about a friend who loved to cook, but wanted to come and do it in your house, under the impression she was doing you a favour, whereas you hated the mess etc. You present this friend's acts as if you have no choice in any of them -- the alternative to her not cooking for your birthday in your house is not her watching a football match in your house! Did you not say 'I hate football, and have no intention of watching a football match on my birthday. Let's do X instead'?

You're responsible for your own dog's welfare, and for relations with your neighbours -- if she only dropped in occasionally to check on the dog, presumably she's unlikely to have realised he/she was unhappy?

And surely you can avoid socialising with her DH, if she's your specific friend?

You're the only one who can call time on this friendship I have to say, though, that you don't sound as if there's much liking/respect here. You've listed all the things she does 'wrong' what made you friends with her in the first place? Do you actually, genuinely like her, or, as you say, you want to hold on to any friend you have, because you don't have many?

OriginalUsername2 · 12/11/2024 09:28

Being swindled out of money at dinner, turning up with minimal notice, telling you off in your own house. I would nope out of that pretty quick too.

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