Has this friendship run its course?

Again, though, you can't control other people's behaviour, you can only control your own. It was your birthday in your house. It's not clear why you didn't say 'Watching football would my nightmare birthday -- let's do X' but let them show up at your house to watch football.

You also can't control what your friends think of your other friends. If the person does use drugs, or was visibly under the influence when they met, calling them a 'junkie/stoner' is just accurate, surely? I have friends of whom I'm very fond, who simply don't like one another. They experience one another as rude and cold, and I see why, despite me not experiencing either in that way. It's not unusual. People just don't get along.

I'd also say that there are all types of friends. I have some friends I go to the pub with but wouldn't confide in about something personal. I have other longer term friends whom I would trust with private stuff, but might not want to take on a fun night out with a big group. You don't necessarily have to 'end' anything, just see less of this friend.

OP, I suspect I'm older than you as my children are both adults now. I'm also autistic so I find friendships difficult and have done since I was at school.

I currently have 3 friends. 2 are an autistic couple I see probably 2 or 3 times a year and the other is also autistic and I see her probably 2 or 3 times a year too.

I've really tried with friendships. Read a lot on MN to try and understand how NT people think, had autistic friends but it doesn't really work for me. I find that with autistic friends, our traits/needs often clash and I still don't really understand a lot of NT thinking and expectations around friendships.

It ebbs and flows. Sometimes, I have more friends other times I have fewer. My boundaries are very firm now though. Because I know what works for me and what doesn't. I don't hang on to friendships now amd am happy to let them go if they are distressing in any way. I'm also clear about what works for me and what doesn't.

Eg in the bill splitting situation, I'd just be really clear about what I'd paid for and what was their responsibility. I don't 'hint' because I know I don't pick up on hints and prefer people to be clear and direct so I make sire I do that for them too. Some people appreciate it and others don't.

Ultimately, if people.don't enhance each other's lives, they're not friends they're just people who know each other and want someone to socialise with/company. I worry less about having friends and more about my own peace of mind nowadays

Friends should be people you like and enjoy spending time with.

It sounds like you don't work together very well. I don't know if a relationship can endure very different communication styles with little flexibility. Personally I tend to avoid people that expect me to read between the lines lot as I'm not good at this.

This in spades.
Get rid and make room for new friends in your life - they will come.

The woman in question is “pushy”, the husband is a cheeky fucker. They’re both judgemental. And they’re selfish.

Anyone with 2 brain cells to rub together would know a non-football fan would not like to watch football on their birthday. She just ignored your pleas that you made several times over months.

I would give these people no more headspace.

Agreed.

I also question the 'telling off'. She popped round, you started telling her about your problems, she started 'telling you off'. Is this another misreading of cues? Your interpretation of 'telling off' being different?

OP, you need to be asking these questions at the time and to these people, not on here. None of us know why football was suggested, but it's clear that you at least contributed in changing it from a short, efficient conversation about what you'd like to a saga that made nobody happy. Can you see that it would have been better all round to be clearer?

You have very high expectations of your friends to read between the lines, but want things spelled out for you. It is hard to realise that your formula for communicating and standards are not universally applicable, but you won't maintain the friendships you want like this. Nobody is going to be perfect, friendship is about accepting and loving people for who they are.

With respect, OP, you're going to need to be way more flexible in your communication styles if you are going to live and make friends outside your home culture. Not everyone is going to understand things you think are obvious.

The kind of indirectness or 'subtlety' you seem to imagine you both view as 'necessary politeness' clearly isn't working here, if you continually fail to communicate what you actually want and don't want to her.

You think it's clear an excuse means 'no', but she clearly didn't get that memo. (And Latin American and Eastern European cultures are very different, and I imagine that they use indirectness differently, as even two neighbouring countries like England and Ireland use indirectness very differently -- an English friend moved to Ireland a few years ago, and despite thinking she was a comparatively 'politely indirect' person in her home culture, she's far too direct for many of the Irish circles she's moving in.)

Either way, your 'subtlety' isn't working. You are not communicating, and you are blaming her for not understanding what you mean, but have not said, the way you think she should understand.

You are currently blaming her for not understanding that your 'soft negatives' about your birthday in fact meant 'No'.

You're blaming her, or possibly her husband, for your husband not being clear about having already paid your part of the bill.

You're blaming her for not understanding that when you posted about sharing workspace to an MeetUp group you know she's a member of, that your open question about sharing workspace wasn't intended for her, and you actively don't want to share a workspace with her. Although she's a member of the group your posted on.

You're also blaming these friends for being 'too direct' in criticising other friends of yours, despite the fact that it turned out those other friends (whom you are not blaming) didn't like the friends you are posting about either. So both sets of friends dislike one another, but you're only blaming the ones who said it within a few months rather than the ones who waited two years to say so -- ie, in this case, you're criticising the friends for being too direct.

And honestly, OP, wouldn't you rather know almost immediately that two sets of friends don't get on, rather than spend two full years unknowingly inviting them to things together, only to discover they've hated every second?

I'd certainly rather know, so as not to inflict unnecessary irritation on anyone.

No the birthday was pushy and I wouldn't have liked having to say 'no' twice but it required clarity. You didn't have to accept.

I totally get you, don't get me wrong on that, it's clear youre not a match for besties as it would be exhausting just being yourself and you want your close friends just to understand you, even if they're very different. I also am more along the lines of wanting to do more rather than less to help and am absolutely not forensic over bills in the way they are and these things read as quite churlish.

She's reminding me a bit of a long term friend whom I've questioned at times. She's got her great points though, she won't be getting ditched but my expectations have been tailored pretty sharply around her past behaviour and I won't be putting myself out for her again (unless it's an emergency which I doubt will happen as we live some distance away and she has family nearby).

I also get wanting periods of solitude.

But I think this is a good reflection opportunity rather than going back to 'shes a wrongun, I've been badly done to'.

If you posted in a meetup group that includes her then you were addressing her as much as the others. There is no reason she should assume otherwise . If you didn't want to include her, you should have started another group. She's not perfect but she's not a mind reader either.

Obv cut her off if you want but you mentioned not wanting to lose friends and it's quite clear why friendships are stressful for you so this will probably happen again. You have to express boundaries clearly, not implicitly. You can say a clear 'no thank you' politely but without brooking any argument.

Ok but it isn't them that have upset your dog, cat or neighbours, that is most definitely you.

Husband needed to be clearer re bills.

Yes this friendship has run its course.
(It's upset:
Your Dog
Your Cat
Your Neighbours
Your husband
Your other good friends
And your good self. )
The friendship is over.

What would you do differently for any of these things mentioned, for your part? If they happened again?

I think you need to take this as a lesson to deal better with minor irritations as otherwise they grow into grudges. It is you who suffers from losing friends and giving up so much headspace to people making tiny missteps or not quite aligning with what you think.

These are all very little things around communication, not saying you'd paid your bill for example, which was confusion rather than sneaky. It doesn't sound like you suggested anything you would like to do for your birthday either, the cooking/football thing sounds like someone trying but getting it slightly wrong, who would probably welcome some more input from you. Not criticism after the fact, but in the planning stage.

You sound really generous and well meaning so don't take this the wrong way.

I just think your boundaries are off and the pleasure you get from doing more for people obstructs your own interests. You then come to resent this somewhat when it's not reciprocated, it seems. Your friend is very different. She seems willing to help but within the bounds of what she wants to offer. Even if it's not quite what you, the recipient, would choose. It's quite interesting, the difference.

And I see your point about reporting back re DDog. However, they might have thought it was a normal part of a family dog unused to being left alone rather than serious distress whereas the neighbour heard ongoing barking and crying.
It was really for you to weigh up whether to leave him, not for them to provide more care than they'd offered (it wasn't an emergency. Obviously I would expect them to do more if it was).

Also if your cat was unused to another dog in the house, it was for you to decide whether that was in its best interests to introduce one rather than be giving at any cost.

I get that you feel you did more caring but at what cost and was it really the best all round solution? Id have a think about this and reflect on approaches rather than pushing them away as yes, they sound a bit self interested but people like that can be ok if you have good boundaries and don't get too intertwined. It's like I say, you don't have to be best friends but you don't need to burn bridges