Burnt out, is it always your own fault?

I've had this a few times in my career. It typically comes from being stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand you are not suppose to work such long hours (they don't like paying you for them or it clashes with their policy of maximum hours) and on the other the work needs to be finished to a certain standard. Your coworkers managed to handle it, so why can't you?

Except...that was not exactly the truth. I asked my coworkers and they said they were working the same hours as I did, but wrote down the standard 40 we are all contracted for, so they basically worked for free just to get their supervisors off their backs. This alleviated the pressure a little, but they were all still hovering near a burn out and some did, same as me.

In a way, it was my fault. I tried to live up to impossible standards and conflicting requirements. I often let my frustration over this impossible situation get to me and endlessy tried to plead with my boss about how it wasn't workable and not sustainable. Yet, I kept fishing those chesnuts out of the fire and somehow got the work done, but at increasing expense to my own well-being and free time (though I never lied about my hours).

Why did I do it? I still don't know. I do, however, know that the situation was not off my own making and it would have been over a lot sooner if I had just let things burn and let the responsibility lie with my boss, where it belonged in the first place.

I ended up leaving and changed my attitude for my current employer. I started as I meant to go on. So no rabbits out of hats and I will not be putting out fires, as that is not my job. I do not get paid for that kind of responsibility. Sometimes I get a supervisor who will complain, but they only do it once, as I refuse to change. I also have moments where I fall back into my old habits (fundamental change takes time) but I have gotten a lot better at recognizing the feeling of frustration. Instead, I now focus on identifying the source of the frustration and dealing with it. I am also prepared to let things burn.

Ultimately, none of it will matter after I leave. I am not saving lives or preventing wars. Few people will remember me once I am gone and I find that I am actually good with that.

Thanks OP for starting this thread :)

Oh gosh yes you've explained that even more than I had realised. I love feedback from my learners....

@HydrangeaBush yes you are bang on in describing that relationship to your job as a dysfunctional relationship! That was a real light bulb moment for me. When you are suddenly looking to work to provide with validation, self esteem, purpose etc you suddenly realise that is not right and to be honest is a very unrealistic expectation of a place of work and your managers! I can still remember the wry smile my counsellor gave me when we were discussing codependency int he context of addiction and I said ‘ I think I’m in a co-dependant relationship with my job 😂

@Bananamanlovesyou - er Addicted parent (and associated trauma) check.... Neurodiversity - both kids are and I'm waiting for assessment ... check...

I know this isn't my thread but funny how the common theme is there. I feel like my relationship with my job currently is a bit like going back to a dysfunctional relationship. I decide to leave, then I get Scared Of New Things , then I think "it's not that bad really if I do xyz" and then something else happens. And just not being able to see my way out.

I have a job interview Monday but keep feeling like I can't do wiit whilst simultaneously cross I haven't achieved more in life given my brain and qualifications.

OP - if you really don't need to work .... cut down? I need the income so its a bit tricker.

@JillyGoat I would say these were lifelong traits caused by a mixture of growing up with an addicted parent, neurodiversity and just being me I guess. I don’t think normal boundaries and a strong sense of self were ever modelled to me so I had to fill in the gaps for myself. Everyone will have their own patterns and I’ve found counselling very helpful in teasing this out. I’ve had several bouts of counselling and still have the occasional session. The biggest difference is a strong sense of self which is really hard to describe but it’s something about being my own best friend and being untouchable and being in control.
People can only affect you if you let them. Other people’s opinion of me is not fact! That is very freeing. I’m not doing bad at all now. It’s still something I have to work on constantly like tending a garden. Do what is right for you. If you want to put down a boundary and say this isn’t working for me and look for a new job that is not running away or perhaps you might want to stay and work on those things within the role you have. Your choice. Good luck , no one deserves to feel like this and I hope you find a way through.

Ha I relate to this so much. One job I've applied for is a mentor role...

And I've looked at some mental health roles too while thinking I need support!

For me I think I’m fighting against being perceived as useless or stupid in some way

Your employer, who thinks you are doing too good a job, needs to communicate this to their client.

OP I know what you mean about feeling that. It’s brutal.

“Fighting against being perceived as useless” is “seeking external validation, is it not?

@JillyGoat I got a mentor via a training course which I was doing for people in my position in my particular kind of small organisations. So they completely understood the issues (which are not rare) and were already campaigning about mental health in the sector.

There are lots of good people out there, but try to find someone with experience of your particular area as that helped me feel really understood. My mentor also, in the end, was most useful in helping me to leave...

Hello, slightly risky posting it on this username, but who cares.

This happened to me earlier this year and I was signed off sick by the doctors, but couldn't stop entirely as it was a tiny organisation. I wish I had left then.

Quite a few of the 'risk factors' were the same as you - a really unempathetic manager (who still makes no sense to me); gaslighting in the form of changes to contract and my role which I wasn't told about and was expected to work out; not being good at boundaries and to some extent people pleasing.

The advice about doctors and propanolol (sp?) is all good. But the single thing that helped me most was getting a mentor. (I was actually given one for free because someone I'd asked for help was so worried about me). To have someone who just laughed every time I told the next part of the saga was deeply liberating. But she also helped me set boundaries and supported me in leaving.

I'm now working for myself, and, amusingly, most of the freelancers I used to work with are now collaborating with me, not the place I left... Other people can smell toxic too.

Yes. If the client is unhappy with the work and your employer disagrees you need to arrange a meeting witth both sides, you seem burnt out as you are trying to please both parties.

It could be the client is right, it could also be they have unrealistic expectations for the contract or money they are paying.

describing a situation as “odd” (which it patently is) is not being unkind

my advice

you need to have a meeting with both the client and the employer (who presumably the client engaged with and is paying!) all together.

and as for not letting it escalate…. it’s really not in your employer’s interests to piss off their client

Honestly when I finally spoke up they were good.

i work in financial services and in a fast paced (break neck speed) environment. I made it clear that it was too much for me to constantly work like that. Everything always being urgent or an emergency.

I also wanted to address it by staying at my work but I did make it clear that I’d be signed off if I felt it was needed. The doctor said he’d have no problems writing me a sick line.

please do address it though OP because honestly work is never really that important in the grand scheme of things. Something I try to repeat/ask myself is “will I need to worry about this/will this affect my life a year down the line?” And the answer is usually no.

So very odd
the employer arguing with the client that the work is too good
so very odd

Hi OP
I reached burn out earlier this year (end of august time) and it was honestly one of the worst times of my life. I wasn’t sleeping, I was vomiting frequently due to pure nerves. I was crying often while on my own. I was a complete bag of nerves. It was all work related.
i ended up going to the doc and getting propranolol which has been great. I also started counselling and working on why I catastrophise. In addition I’ve also cut my working hours and this has been wonderful.

you need help and only you can make that happen. Please Take time off work if you need it. You’ll never be thanked for working through torturous anxiety and burnout.

you can do it 😊