He won't come round whiles my kids are home (in bed).

When me and my DH first started dating he suggested I come over when his son was asleep and I declined. I said it would be unfair if his child woke and tbh I had better things to do with my evenings than sneak around for a quick shag on the sofa.

You've not introduced this man to your children, so therefore he is a complete stranger to them. When children are younger, it's much easier to say 'this is Mummy's friend', if they were to wake and see him. At 10 years old, they are much more aware, and are likely to ask far more questions. He may feel uncomfortable, being intimate with you, whilst they are there and older now. You may know your children's sleeping patterns, but it's not beyond the realms of possibility, that they may wake. They wake and hear a man's voice they don't recognise, it might worry them. I can see why your boyfriend doesn't want to visit whilst they are sleeping. If or when you introduce him to your children, and they get to know him, he probably would change his mind. However, you are clearly not at that point, if your relationship isn't stable and secure.

He sounds like a good one, don't lose him by being a red flag.

You don't know that, he is trying to do the rare thing of putting your kids first, being needy is not healthy

He sounds like he's taking sensible precautions in order not to accidentally upset your children with an unplanned encounter. Which is the reasonable position for an adult to take. I'm surprised you're struggling with understanding this.

He sounds like a really decent man. You can't possibly predict whether your sons will wake up in the night and hear strange noises.

You just can't.

God he sounds sensible - you on the other hand….. why are not respecting his feelings? Why are you trying to push him to do something he is UNCOMFORTABLE doing? Imagine if the roles were swapped and you are a guy - you would absolutely get piled on.

You" seem to get back together" - how often has this happened?

I'm glad he seems to have boundaries that you are lacking. Children should be able to go to bed at night knowing that there won't be any strange men coming over at night to have sex with their mother, or even just to sleep in their house. I would have absolutely hated coming in to my mothers bed in the middle of the night because I felt sick or whatever and to find a strange man sleeping in there. It's their home too and you are responsible for their welfare.

It doesn't really matter if he used to do it or not. He now doesn't feel comfortable with it and that is fair enough.

He doesn't see this relationship progressing to you living together and having children together.

Are you happy to have someone to spend time with in your child free time and only then ? If yes, then great this is the relationship for you, that would be my preference and I'd be perfectly happy with that arrangement. If no, then it isn't and it's time to end the relationship instead of hoping for it to become something it wont.

I'm with him and think he is being sensible you may well know their sleep routine but that doesn't stop DC waking up and being ill, or waking up because you are chatting etc.

Pick your battles OP. He’s very decent. Do you often try to push limits or start arguments/make him feel like he’s doing something wrong?

But.. you don’t? They’re not his children.

I think any decent man would do the same. You don’t seem to care?

I would guess that if it’s night time and your kids are in bed then he is either going to have to get up and leave in the wee hours of the early morning or have breakfast with your kids and that’s what he is avoiding.

Have you asked him why? You can make guesses but only he can give you the true answer. Maybe he's hoping for a solid, long term relationship with you and feels meeting your DC this way would be inappropriate/doomed to failure. Maybe he just doesn't want to meet them. Maybe he doesn't want to have to deal with awkward conversations with half awake children when he's tired. It could be any number of reasons, but you won't know until you discuss it.

A boundary is a boundary. You don't have to understand the reasoning you just have to respect it. But you could ask him what his reasoning is and maybe he would tell you.

Well fortunately he has more sense and respect for your children. You can't guarantee anyone staying in bed. The idea my ten year old would hear something and think I was in trouble or meet a stranger in their home ? You seriously can't see the issue?

Because he just doesn't feel comfortable. He sounds like he's got his priorities well and truly right.

I’m with him, I’d not do it either, seems wrong

Most people on mumsnet don’t agree with bringing the boyfriend home , definitely not in the short term . In this situation he is showing respect to your children and I think that’s a great thing .

Why can't you accept his very reasonable boundary over this?

How long is a while?