He won't come round whiles my kids are home (in bed).

I think it’s probable he doesn’t want to meet them and doesn’t want any commitment. Think you’re probably asking the wrong question

Yep. I think you’re the red flag here OP (spoken as a single parent who understands it can be lonely, but also as someone who grew up in a single parent home and HATED when DM brought dates back when I was a teenager).

You don't seem to appreciate that this man is behaving in a very decent manner and showing respect for your children's privacy and home life.

You can enjoy his company when your children are not there.

👏👏👏

What a decent and respectful man.

He's got good boundaries and doesn't want to put himself out the children into a very awkward situation of an unexpected encounter.... However unlikely it is, it's still a possibility.

He's got his head screwed on and that's a good thing.

Yes you feel the risk is so tiny as to be negligible, but it's still there and while you know your kids he doesn't... So he wouldn't be able to relax and forget about the fact that they are there fast asleep and unaware of his presence.

Green flag

My mum would have said the same thing. I definitely heard them.

Anyway, this guy does not want to meet your children. He does not want to live with your children. This relationship will not progress while your children are still at home. He needs to be honest about that if he hasn't been already. But I do approve of his boundaries. Too many men shack up with women with children and somehow think they can have a relationship that doesn't have to include those children. And too many women are happy to move men in with their children who will see them as nothing but inconveniences.

Good for him. My mum always thought she was so subtle sneaking my stepdad in after I'd gone to bed but I knew. Then I'd hear the bedroom door close 🤮

Unless they are drugged then no you can never ever be 100%> I am shocked that you are so blasé to bring a stranger into their home when asleep and vulnerable.

Urg. I know someone (extended family) who used to sneak a man in once her 15 year old daughter went to bed and they were caught "at it" one night in the living room. Daughter absolutely freaked out, not surprisingly. The mother has a history of selfish and badly judged behaviour, why she thought it was a good idea to "bring a strange man" into her daughters safe place, is beyond me. Mother and daughter still have a strained relationship, 5 years later.
OP, you say you know your kids sleeping habits, can you predict when one of them gets up because they've got a temperature and need attention only to be faced with a random strange man!

Also - you're going into teenage years soon. You need to set an example of healthy relationships, not let them find you sneaking around. If they see you sneaking a man in/out of the house that will have a bit impact on them now and how they respect your rules.

I know my kids routines very well but the unexpected bad dream or being unwell can happen. He doesn’t want to risk being there and then they wake up. That’s completely understandable!

Its different if you were living together and had kids as that would be his home.

It might change once you two decide where the relationship is going and once he’s met the children.

This.

Surely it's al least 9pm before a 10yo is reliably sound asleep. Maybe more like 9:30/10pm. Then get back up again at 6am to leave? No thanks.

Im with him on this.

Also plenty of people do not fancy having to get up early and sneak out hoping their girlfriends kids don’t see or hear.

I would rather be at home in my own bed

Why does it matter what you would do if you lived together and shared kids?

You don’t live together and don’t have shared kids. So it’s pointless think about it.

You clearly don’t understand his reasoning. The whole ‘I know my kids sleep patterns’ doesn’t make sense. You may know your kids general sleep pattern but they can always deviate from that. Illness, noise waking them up etc.

Why are you so desperate to ignore his boundaries?

You seem reluctant to say how long you have been back together so I am going to guess, not long. And no, knowing him for years doesn’t count. Because knowing someone and actually knowing them as a boyfriend is 2 different things. People tend to get to know their partners far more than someone they are friendly terms with. But given, it’s not been long it’s not surprise he is being careful.

How long have you been a couple, you seem to be avoiding the question?

And I agree 10 yos will know exactly what is going on if they happen to walk in.

And 10 yos hardly go to bed early, how much “evening” is going to be left once they’re asleep.

Best keep your private life and the kids lives separate imo

He sounds very sensible!

Yes absolutely agree

You don't need to understand his reasoning. Just respect his boundaries as you say you do.

I don't want to is a reason and it's a good enough one.

The problem is that the children might wake up, OP. Even if they don't, you can't exactly have a free and relaxing evening with children in the house.

Apart from anything, if I was staying at someone's house the knowledge that there were a couple of ten-year-olds in another room would be the biggest passion-killer imaginable, so I imagine he'd rather wait for an occasion when he can actually have sex that's enjoyable, rather than worrying that he's going to look up mid-fuck and see a couple of kids standing in the doorway like the twins from The Shining.

Anyway - that aside, he's right. You're already on-off with this bloke and your kids aren't babies. They're ten years old. Regardless of whether you 'know their sleep patterns' you actually have no idea whether one of your kids might be unwell in the night and need to come into your bedroom. Just because they're deep sleepers, that doesn't mean they won't ever wake up with a tummy bug or a nightmare or something.

A ten-year-old will absolutely know exactly what's been going on if they come into their mum's room at night and find a man in bed with her. It's not like a toddler where they don't understand the significance of sharing a bed. And your relationship is barely even a relationship right now if you keep splitting and getting back together, certainly not a stable one, so you really shouldn't be risking your kids getting a surprise introduction to your on-off boyfriend.

he has good boundaries and an understanding of how vulnerable children can feel when a new person is in their life

you should learn from him