DC now out of the house, grown up and I'm trying to separate but at the moment I can't afford to. I don't have a job, my qualifications are out of date. I know it's stupid to have allowed myself to get stuck like this.
I'm on antidepressants, but I don't have the energy to even get out of bed.
I spent a fortnight in France (without him) at my cousin's house, and by the end of it, I almost felt almost myself again. I had all sorts of plans for job hunting, retraining, 'getting my ducks in a row' - but now I'm back home I can't even get out of bed.
I hate him so much. He doesn't hit me or anything like that but I'm angry that I allowed him to waste my life and my youth. He cheated on me years ago and that's when I stopped loving him. He recently said I should 'get over it'. He's right in the sense that if I can't get over it, the marriage needs to end, which I acknowledge, but I just don't have the strength to even take one step forward.
The sensible thing would be to plan, start a fabulous new life. But I just am not even able to get out of bed. Yes, the GP has already increased my dose, changed medications, I've been on this one for more than 9 months. It's the fact that when I was away from him I felt more energetic which tells me it's not purely chemical.
I have a large storage unit full of stuff I would have to sort if I was to leave (because I can't afford the fees) and even that feels like an impossible mountain.
I don't really have close family or friends who could help.
He just pretends everything is ok even though we haven't had sex since before COVID. His choice. And before you ask, I'm not in bad shape, not overweight, I'm of average attractiveness.
Why can't I just 'put on my big girl pants' and get on with finding a job, doing a course, doing therapy, tidy the house, get rid of junk?