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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like a friends kid?

64 replies

Cheekydachshundlover · 11/11/2024 18:22

I’d now say loose friends…. Long story on that one but we were very good friends,

but I don’t like her DC, she’s feral, runs around in restaurants/cafe, is chaotic with toys ( very heavy handed) doesn’t listen, there isn’t much discipline there… you get the picture.
My child tends to copy her when together and I find it so difficult to tell her off as I feel like I’m judging the other child. My child is just very different.

How do people deal with these situations?

They may end up going to the same primary school!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekydachshundlover · 11/11/2024 20:09

Well let’s put it this way…. I heard the child saying to another child while my child was sat between the two…. We’re not your friend, we don’t like you. The kids are 3yr… I find that shocking behaviour coming from a 3yr old. Do you?

OP posts:
clementinestar · 11/11/2024 19:58

mm it sounds like you haven’t tried yet right to hold firm boundaries with your child when you’re out together with them as you don’t want to offend her / imply you’re judging?

isn’t it worth trying this first before distancing (and then I guess kind of losing the friendship anyway)

if the kids go to same primary school you may need to confront rather than run away

i don’t know if it’s quite the barrier you think it is to just continue with your own boundaries while hers differ…. I have a child who needs different limits to others. Sometimes I have her on a much stricter virtual ‘rein’ and other times I might be a bit more (what people perceive as ) slack as I know she can’t take it in or needs to run off steam. I honestly don’t notice or mind if other folks are doing something different and I’m probably the one with the wayward child in your scenario.

personally I’m much more worried about when kids are mean to mine consistently and doing harm to their confidence.

Her saying that you didn’t support her though sounds more complex - so I’m not sure if she’s difficult herself or it’s just about the kids.

Original poster
Cheekydachshundlover · 11/11/2024 19:32

I’m not sure I can be that honest, I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I think I’ll just slowly distance myself and see how it pans out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekydachshundlover · 11/11/2024 19:31

Hang on a minute, excellent parent I think I am??????
you've clearly misread my post, I’m asking on how I go forward in a friendship I value but find the child hard. I also love the way my child adapts to who she’s around, I see her with other kids the same age who can’t walk or communicate as well and she’s kind and caring.

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 11/11/2024 19:27

I would spend less time with this friend and her child. When she asks you why- tell her honestly. You don't want her child's behavior to be mimicked by your child.

Original poster
Cheekydachshundlover · 11/11/2024 19:27

Oh my god my child isn’t a saint and I know she will change as she gets older, but I’m strict with her so she knows the boundaries. It’s so hard but thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 11/11/2024 19:26

If you are the excellent parent you think you are, then another child's behaviour should have no bearing on how your child behaves. If you don't like being around this child, don't be. But don't make it about your child.

There will be lots of children your child is around when you aren't there. If you want to stop her copying behaviour, then teach her not to. It isn't the responsibility of anyone else to make sure your child behaves how you want them to.

CountFucula · 11/11/2024 19:25

I’d suggest meeting outside only - playground, forests, parks. Less behavioural expectation for her child. Be careful not to be too smug about your own child - they can all be horrors at times.

coxesorangepippin · 11/11/2024 19:16

You choose who you spend time with

It's that's simple

If another kid has a negative effect in yours, don't see them

Original poster
Cheekydachshundlover · 11/11/2024 19:14

I agree thank you.

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 11/11/2024 18:35

Cheekydachshundlover · 11/11/2024 18:32

This is tricky because I’ve offered support in the past which was declined and then unfortunately I was told later on that me and another friend didn’t support her when she needed it. I think she knows her DC ca be hard work. I’m just not sure I want to be around it anymore, when I’ve worked so hard on my DC to behave when out and even in people’s houses she behaves how I expect her to in her own home.

That's great for you (for now anyway, kids behaviour can change), but you'll always come across other kids who aren't as well behaved no matter where you are.

It's up to YOU to deal with this as and when you come across it.

But for now at least, I think it would be wise to spend less time with her child present as it's obviously stressful for you.

Original poster
Cheekydachshundlover · 11/11/2024 18:32

This is tricky because I’ve offered support in the past which was declined and then unfortunately I was told later on that me and another friend didn’t support her when she needed it. I think she knows her DC ca be hard work. I’m just not sure I want to be around it anymore, when I’ve worked so hard on my DC to behave when out and even in people’s houses she behaves how I expect her to in her own home.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 11/11/2024 18:27

If your friend isn't willing to encourage good behaviour then I guess I'd take over a bit. Saying no, play nicely. No, sit down and do colouring. If you run round you'll have to go home etc. would the kid take this direction from you?
It's a shame but otherwise just not meeting them in public unless it's the park might be the best option.
Can you speak honestly with her about how she's coping with him? Obviously in a non judgemental way. It might not be easy for her and there's stuff behind the scenes. So do try and be supportive.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 11/11/2024 18:26

"Different parents have different rules" is what I used to say to mine when they wanted to know why they couldn't run around in restaurants, when other kids were allowed.

It's difficult and wearing but they get the message eventually.

If it looks like by telling your own DC off, you're judging others, there's nothing you can do about that.