To not like a friends kid?

I have a similar issue so would also love some advice. I would NEVER tell her child off or advise her on parenting tho.

@Cheekydachshundlover

Try outdoor meet ups.

But a word of caution. Don't be surprised if even here you find yourself struggling because now you find yourself in a position of disadvantage.
You probably won't feel the second hand embarrassment you felt in inclosed public spaces, but if your child is naturally someone who follows adult instruction, and you are risk adverse yourself, then you could very well start feeling anxious around safety. You won't feel at ease with the child who scrambles up the slide, or runs brandishing a pointed stick that could easily "have your eye out"!

Risk takers and parents who let the kids get on with things are top of the food chain outdoors. This is slightly watered down in a park where rule abiders try to exert some control or even in a soft play centre but really the same rules apply.

Change the venue and type of socialising to suit the kids.

If this is an active, busy kid, meet them at a place where they CAN be active and busy. An outdoor play area. A woodland walk. Those kind of places, where they can all race around and get tired. Then have a picnic snack and drink, say goodbye and head home.

Some kids just aren't "sit quietly and draw whilst the adults talk" kids.

I don’t like one of my DH’s DN’s for the same reason. I just minimise time spent with him. I do feel forced to include him in parties because my DNs will be there (they are lovely) but in that situation I usually just put one of my siblings in charge of following him around and sorting out any bad behaviour as it happens - which sil is useless at doing

@TheOnlyHonestOne I think it’s disrespectful for your friend not to care. As I’ve mentioned in my post above, the onus is on the parent with the difficult child to make arrangements that are better suited to their behaviour. Meeting outside is always easier- but your friend should be taking charge of this!

Following this thread because I have a very similar situation.

It was fine when they were 18 months old, but now they’re nearly four and my friends childs behaviour is really bad and she doesn’t seem to care. I had some advice to meet them on the morning outside and play in a park with a takeaway coffee.

My child was feral at age 3. I had an awful time with him and I even fell into a depression because of it. He wasn’t nasty with other kids though, he was quite sweet and good at sharing (his focus would often shift to another toy etc). But it was the climbing/jumping, impulsive and destructive behaviour that I struggled with. I never met up with a friend unless it was outside at a park or in a play centre. I would never have trusted him in someone else’s home really- I’d have to watch him like a hawk the entire time to prevent him from breaking things or making a mess.
Restaurants were out of the question. I did take him once for a large family gathering, I ended up not eating a bite of my food because his behaviour was so bad. In the end we all left the moment he picked up a table number cube and violently threw it at another (luckily empty) table. I cried my eyes out as I felt so hopeless. He didn’t have the attention span to listen to anything I tried saying to him to correct him behaviour, the only thing that worked was to remove him.

Basically, what I’m saying is that parents need to recognise that they have a challenging child and work around it/try to find things that work to correct the behaviour. They can’t sit idly and pretend things are ok or ignore it as it will get worse. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who didn’t address this behaviour, although I would sympathise deeply if they were trying as I’ve been there myself.

FYI he’s now nearly 6 and he’s being assessed for ADHD, but his behaviour is so much better and I’m glad we got through that awful phase and we can do a lot more with him now. Your friend needs to have a look at what’s going on with her child and make changes. It’s not up to you to put up with it.

We’re in a very similar situation but it’s my BIL’s youngest. He’s loud, obnoxious, violent towards our toddler when an adult isn’t looking, hits and kicks his sibling and mum, spits if you try and tell him off and tries to manipulate situations. My BIL and his wife parent very differently to us (we can’t strict but would remove our toddler from a situation if he did that and explain what’s wrong/take a minute away) and are more ‘gentle parenting’ approach but it doesn’t work.

I really struggle to be around them and we have minimal play dates as I find it so difficult to put my toddler in that situation. The final straw for me was him purposely trapping my son’s fingers in a cupboard as he went to take a toy (my toddler is 2, his cousin is 4).

My husband has tried to raise it with his brother and they implement behaviour charts etc, but nothing really changes. I just think someone people are either oblivious to how their children behave, or just embarrassed so they don’t deal with it correctly.

The only advice I have is minimal play dates, which is hard, but maybe try and go for adult dinners instead.

I think 3yo is too young for these kind of judgements.

Stick to outdoor trips for now, maybe.

I had a friend who had an obnoxious DS, he became an obnoxious adult. The friendship faltered, I would say it was far more my fault. But overall it was a relief, being around a difficult child as a child is developing you give them the benefit. He was racist towards me once, we had a discussion. She did tell him off but she had such a weak personality and he was such an awful bully.

At 3 they are small and they need close supervision, especially if the children are wild.
My middle child was.
I very closely monitored him, it wasn't fun.
I reminded him before we went anywhere what I expected of him.
I removed him from any situation that was getting heated and we had time out on my lap.
I didn't care who where how it was was with other people, I was consistent.

Eventually the penny dropped that we would leave if he wasn't behaving.
He got it thank goodness.
It then was good for about a year but at 5 we had another spell of it and I sat on him for a month after he was being a bit hyper again and he is now a 20 year old university angel.
He broke my heart with the mad running about, getting lost for a few minutes a couple of times etc.
It was stressful, he just had loads of energy.
He was never unkind.
He was always well mannered and behaved in school and sports helped work the energy out.

Nice friends are absolutely essential to police when you have high energy children.

I would see your friend less and not encourage the friendship if they will be in the same class.
Boys tend to stick together if they know each other and get on.
I would be putting space between them now while you can.

If they’re not even in primary school yet then they’re very young!

Sounds like you don't like your friends lack of discipline rather than the actual child

Had a similar situation to yours

I am friends with someone who hads two kids the same age as mine

The eldest wasn't particularly nice to my daughter - left her out, snippy comments, etc

Even the parent had to tell her several times : 'be nice!! Be nice!!!''

So we just stopped seeing them

I have this situation OP with one of my child's friends from school. His friend was actually quite unkind the time we met up outside of school so we haven't done it again.

I do have another friend though who has different expectations around her kids behaviour and having them over to my house is just wayyy to stressful so we only meet outdoors or at a play centre type place. I do give different boundaries to her but it hasn't seemed to matter. I like what a pp said about different parents have different rules.

Curious as we're struggling with this at the moment, how do you teach them not to copy? We have tried explaining about copying, and that sometimes copying others behaviour can get you in trouble etc. and also keep boundaries as usual, but since DS started school, his behaviour can be awful at times and is exactly like his friends behaviour (who he also went to preschool with but only 2 days a week so the impact was limited). It's really stroppy defiant behaviour that I find hard to set boundaries around. Throwing a toy (for example) then the toy is removed, but what do I do for the awful stroppy behaviour.

I just meet up with those friends without the kids. Many a pal has been introduced to bingo.

Not gonna lie. When the kids didn’t get along or were clearly being held to different standards, the friendships often died a death. It’s painful and very hard. Happened just recently to me and I have teens. Doesn’t get any easier.

I wouldn’t like to see that either.

that’s quite extra to your original post - ‘feral’ made me think of wild/unsocialised rather than mean.

I’m not sure I’d find it shocking - def seen it a fair few times! I’d intervene on that even if my child wasn’t the victim - esp if their parents not present