To think 'can I let you know nearer the time?' is rude.

@LuckysDadsHat

How you have deemed paranoia from that is amazing!
It's paranoia in the sense that you seem to always assume the worse. That people are looking for better options than you. That you are someone who will be discarded if something better comes along. Why are you so convinced that's what people are doing. It's so likely they are unsure for very banal reasons. Not some sly way of using you as a back up plan. Paranoia yes.

The parent didn't say I can't say yes or no yet as I haven't git my work rota, or I need to check childcare etc..... which most reasonable would do. They have just said I will let you know nearer the time without any indication of what that time may be. That's rude!
It's not rude. It's called a conversation. It's quite normal to not give a complete essay about your entire life situation. It's a brief reply that the OP can easily continue if it's not convenient by saying that actually she unfortunately can't hold it open due to the booking requirements and so can wait until 'Friday' but then she'll need to offer the space to someone else.

Didn't you give an RSVP date or just say you need to know by x day. There will be another thread soon about being on the B list ( perfectly sensible and practical IMO) .

Will they have to pay towards the cost? If so, it's definitely understandable

If I didn't have to pay anything, I'd try and get back to you ASAP x

How you have deemed paranoia from that is amazing!

The parent didn't say I can't say yes or no yet as I haven't git my work rota, or I need to check childcare etc..... which most reasonable would do. They have just said I will let you know nearer the time without any indication of what that time may be. That's rude!

I think 6 weeks is too much notice for anything except a wedding/big family party requiring travel and people all needing to be free at the same time.

No-one suggested you should.

Tell them you will need to confirm numbers and when can they let you know - and you need to know by xx date.

They asked a question, you've chosen to take it as assuming they have a better offer.
If you can't wait then just say 'no' in response to the question- no need to over complicate it.
I've had occasion to ask the same question and I haven't wanted to explain to people in advance of my personal circumstances if they can wait. If they can't fair play.

You could reply with “if it’s a logistics thing, can we help? With getting her there and back etc”

Perhaps you could give the child a lift or arrange for another parent to take.

Yep, agree with this. Awful time of year for a party, sorry OP 😬

In this instance it is rude, yes.

You need to explain why you can't commit and tell the host you'll understand if they count you out of you're going to say that.

I agree. This response I’d be fine with. Simply replying ‘I’ll let you know nearer the time’ I’d not be impressed

I’d reply to say you need to let the venue know firm numbers for billing and therefor need to know by x date. If she can’t confirm just move into the next invitee.

So just say you can't make it?
Instead of leaving the host hanging

I think if you can't commit, it's got to be a no. When my kids were small, life was wild, "we were in the trenches" with my dh working offshore, I was working and studying, limited family to help out etc but I always made sure my kids got to where they needed to be either by me or grandma. And if I thought for one moment, there was the slightest chance, that my kids couldn't make it or do it, I'd say no because I wouldnt want someone holding a space or another child missing out on a space.

I know life is crazy for everyone but really you either can make it or you can't. On the rare circumstances I'd have to say no...and feel awful about it from my kids POV and the birthday person....I'd ask the birthday person round for tea/playdate on another day.

It depends. If they’re hedging their bets to see if a better offer comes along then they’re being rude. But if they have prior commitments which may or may not require that day (e.g. they’re waiting for others to firm up plans, are hoping to get tickets for something etc) then I don’t think it’s rude to ask for a grace period.

I don’t think you need to concern yourself with anyone’s reason why. Just give them the benefit of the doubt and make your own plans according to what works for you. If you can give them extra time without causing yourself difficulty, then you might as well. But if you need to confirm numbers, have others you could invite instead, or don’t want to wait any longer then it’s fine just to politely say you need to know firm numbers so would need a quick response.

I think it’s a bit rude because it’s vague - nearer the time could be in a couple of weeks or it could be the day before, and with parties you need to know numbers to book things. There are lots of good reasons she could have, but without giving a reason it does sound like she’s waiting to see if something better comes up. If she’d been a bit clearer with a timescale and reason then it would’ve been fine.

I’d say I need to know by XX date and then just assume it’s a no and not follow up unless it’s DC’s best friend

Couldn’t be less rude. She asked if she could let you know nearer the time. It’s SIX weeks away not this weekend. It either is or it isn’t ok by you. But it’s definitely not rude to ask the question. So much drama. And all those saying it is rude, never done shift work? Ridiculous over reaction.
“You either have something in the diary or not” 😂 Not everyone’s life is that simple Op.

Everyone's idea of a reasonable time frame is different though. It's still over a month away.

This is why you say on the invite if you need an RSVP by a certain date.

The 15th of December! Families have so much going on at that time of year, it may be a real juggle to fit an extra party in. I'd interpret it as "That's a fucking nightmare of a weekend to add in a kid's birthday party, but my DC really likes your DC so we'll try make it work if we can".

Give them a date you need an answer by, but be nice about it.

I don’t see it as “I’ll see if I get a better offer”

I often say this - I have to check because I work shifts and don’t want to say yes if DH/DMIL (who will have the kids) can’t take them for some reason I didn’t know.

and I don’t want to ignore the message until I know - at least I’ve acknowledged it!

But I would agree it's rude not to clarify that. Because if you don't say WHY you need to let them know nearer the time, it does look like you're waiting for a better offer.

I think if they preface it by saying they’re waiting to hear about annual leave or a solid reason I’d accept it and also ask when they would know. However if it was a general “can I let you know near the time” sounds rude and like you’re waiting for a better offer.

I would give a deadline and explain it is due to deposits etc and that it’s fine if they can’t come.

It's only reasonable if they phrase it as a question and, more importantly, let you know when they can confirm by. Maybe they don't want to say why if it's a sensitive reason, but without giving you a date then there's no way it isn't rude, no matter what the reason is.

She's asked a question - can she let you know nearer the time?

The answer is no.

But much more fun to make a thread and bitch 🤣