AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

I mean your maths checks out but your example is not the norm and there were always people having babies in their 40s (just may have been their 6th rather than their first). I grew up with only 2 grandparents and neither of them were at all interested in me. My paternal grandfather died when my (poor) dad was only six. I never felt the lack of the relationship but I am very glad that my DS has lovely grandparents and a nice relationship with them. But he has no siblings which was not planned but there we are.

Shit happens basically, you get what you're given.

My parents had me in their early 20s.

By the time I was 16 - 3 out of 4 of my GPs had died

We had our kids in our late 30s.

My DS is 16 and it's the opposite for him 3 out of 4 GPs are alive and well.

I, too, only had 2 living 'biological' grandparents - both grandads - when I was born. My paternal grandad wasn't the least bit interested and we never saw him one year to the next. Maternal grandad remarried and if he hadn't, I doubt we'd have seen much of him.

Grandma (step, but the only grandma I ever knew) tried really hard and was good to us, but I don'tthink she was as involved as the OP thinks grandparents in general are . My mother, who lost her own mother aged 13, never got over it and was bitter about her mother's place being taken.

I say all this because lots of children don't get the grandparents the OP seems to suggest is the norm - for all sorts of reasons.

I had my children young so am hoping I'll have time to build a relationship with GC and support my children with childcare, if they choose to have children. No guarantees, however- I could get hit by a bus tomorrow etc etc. OTOH I was lucky to meet my DH young and that we were in a position to have children young financially, and I know that my career prospects would have been better if I'd waited until my 30s. Pros and cons to every timeline, and most people are doing their best with the circumstances they are in.

One thing I am starting to focus on is looking after my health and fitness in order to increase my chances of being useful in later life- functional fitness and muscle strength etc.

Perhaps a parent’s own maturity, financial stability, and emotional development is more important to them?

I suppose a different side to this is that a lot more people/couples are choosing not to have children at all, so there might be a lot more child-free aunts and uncles who could take on a similar role.

I wasn’t that close with my aunts and uncles as they had their own kids to be there for. Whereas I spend a lot more time with my nieces and nephews because DH and I don’t have kids.

I don't think you can put this down to age of the parent when they have a child. People can die at any age, in my circumstances my mother was 28 when I was born (her first born), she was 7 when her own mother died from cancer so whatever age she'd have had children. My dad was older than my mother, however and I missed out on meeting his dad by six weeks. I did get 16 years with one grandparent and nearly 22 with another.

My other half is 37 next year and still has both sets of grandparents as his parents had him when they were in their late teens.

The average age for having children is 30 not 40 so you're only talking about the extremes, e.g. DH was the youngest child and I was pregnant with our youngest child at FILs 80th party but the oldest grandchildren there were adults.

Also, just because one generation does something doesn't mean their children will do the same. For example, the oldest boomers had their children very young by historic standards and younger than both their greatest generation parents and Gen X children.

Finally, my 80 something MIL is much more involved in my teenager's lives than my 70 something DM due to proximity and interest. And while grandparents are a nice to have they are not essential. Plenty people don't remember one or more grandparents.

My mother had me at 22. One grandparent died before I was born, two more while I was in primary school and the last when I was 19. I didn't have a close relationship with any.

I had my first DC at 35. My mother died at age 60, so barely knew DS1, ILs not interested, but both DC had a long and close relationship with my father, who is about to become a great grandfather.

So you're right in general, but what happens in an individual case can be wildly different.

Your premise is that waiting until you are in your 40s is the norm for starting a family, while it’s more normal for older mothers to have their first baby, the average age of a first time mother is still 30/31. If a 31 year old has a baby and then her baby grows up to have a child at the same age, grandma will probably still be working full time.

It’s great grandparents that will go back to being unusual - used to be unusual due to life expectancy being lower, now it’s going to be due to a couple of generations not having babies in their teens /early 20s.

I grew up with limited relationships with my grandparents due to distance and ill health. I don't feel I missed out really, you can't miss what you've not experienced. My son doesn't have a relationship with one of his grandads because he can't be bothered and again, and knowing my FIL I don't think my son is missing out. I think grandparents are a lovely thing to have if possible, but they don't provide anything that couldn't be replaced with involved aunts and uncles, godparents, family friends etc.

The bigger issue is involved grandparents dying earlier in their grandchildren's lives, at an age where the child knows they've lost a lovely relationship. That's worse than not having grandparents.

My Nan had my mum when she was 19, my mum had me at 22 and I had DS at 27 so DS who is now 8 is very fortunate to have active parents, grandparents and great grandparents. My Nan and Grandad are slowing down now they are nearing 80 but they still organise days out with DS etc. my mum is in her 50s and very fit and healthy.

I very much want to be a healthy and active grandparent so DH and I will do everything in our power to set DS up so that if he wants DC in his 20s he can have them without having to worry about costs or family support. Of course he may decide he doesn't want DC or he may not meet the right person until later in life but we will make sure that finances aren't a barrier to younger parenthood.

I don’t think it’s really to do with age. Most people move away for jobs whereas decades ago people tended to stay in their home town. My parents and grandparents all lived within walking distance of each other. One died before I was born (cancer), two I had no connection with, and one was wonderful and lived until 100!

I don’t know anyone who lives near their parents now and conversely it’s those who had children later whose parents are still alive. Lots of grandparents on here don’t seem to get on with their children (I’ve read a lot of criticism on here), lots of children don’t get on with their parents. Childcare seems the exception rather than the norm.

It’s lovely you have a relationship with your grandchildren, but many don’t and in my experience age isn’t the reason.

Yes, agree OP. This is exactly my family - my grandma was 73 when I was born, and my DM was 43. I have no memories of my grandma at all. I had DS at 32, but he's 5 now and my DM is 80 and very frail.

However, my MIL had DH at 28 and died in her 50s, and FIL is a pretty hale and hearty 68, but we rarely see him, even though he lives an hour away and works 20 minutes from where we live.

I'm in my late 50s and it's been the reality for myself and for my DC. My dad was orphaned at age 7 so he barely remembered his parents so we only had my mum's parents and they both died (in their early 70s) while I was in primary school. I'm the youngest of my siblings and born when my parents were mid 30s so my older siblings have more memories than I do.

Ex DH's dad died before we were married, mine died when my eldest was 4 months old. Exs mum died when DC were toddlers and they were left with my mum only who died when they were young teens but wasn't in very good health for the last few years so they barely saw her really.

I was a similar age to my parents when my DC were born and we aren't a long lived family. Ex DH is older than me and his family are similar. If my DC have children and are a similar age to me to when they have them, I'll be early 70s and Ex will be late 70s (if we live that long).

Having said all that, it's sad but it is what it is and you can't miss what you never had.

So what, though? It would be naive to think the grandparental relationship is always a positive one, any more than parent-child relationships always are.

Having children very young is absolutely a worse idea from every POV other than a purely biological one. DH’s family (other than DH) have children very young (DH’s parents had three children by his mum’s 21st birthday, and DH’s mum’s mother was still having her own children (13 live births), so the generations are very close together. DH thus knew his great-grandparents as well as his grandparents, and DH’s great-nephews and -nieces also know their grandparents and great-grand-parents. The frequent downside is, bluntly, poverty, and children, or very young adults, having children, with no idea how to parent.

YANBU - I agree, having regrettably missed out on a relationship with 3 out of 4 of my grandparents, due to my parents having me in their late 30s (through no fault of their own, unfortunately down to fertility issues). I always loved seeing my remaining grandfather, but we lived a few hours from him, so visits were sadly infrequent, and he died when I was thirteen.

It's one of influencing reasons that I decided to have a family much younger, and we live five minutes from my mother, with whom my children have a close relationship and see 3-4 times a week. They love seeing my Dad too, but he lives further away. Sadly we aren't in contact with DH's parents.

Grandparents can have such a valuable role in a child's upbringing, and I'm so glad that my children haven't missed out, like I did.

DS's partner (in their twenties no DC) has a great great GM. Her GM is roughly the same age as DH and I. I find the merging of the generations strange now. Someone asked if I was DD's GM when she was in nursery.

Society changes. Many women are choosing to have children later in life because society no longer focuses on a woman’s sole purpose as being as a wife and a mother, because she has other choices and can fulfil other ambitions first. I think that’s excellent. As a benefit to women, I think it far outweighs the benefit to a child of having younger grandparents.

Likewise, your point about childcare also harks back to a very different society. Grandmothers (and it was was largely grandmothers rather than grandfathers) often provided childcare for grandchildren because they didn’t work - in many cases because those women had been denied choice and prevented from having careers and money of their own as young women. If fewer grandmothers provide childcare nowadays, that’s also largely because they’ve taken advantage of the choice to do other things with their lives.

I would rather have less time with any future grandchildren before I croak it than have settled with the wrong chap and be raising my children in an unhappy situation. Finding the right partner to have children with takes time but was my priority over what it will mean for me in my old age.

ill get flamed for this one I bet haha but I think it’s the great grandparents that actually benefit young children the most intellectually/emotionally sharing much more vast knowledge with that extra step away from the direct parent.

Less judgy/I know best more this is the world and here’s everything I’ve seen.

This is something that bothers me having had my children at 34 and 37 and with the benefit of hindsight I do wish I'd started earlier but at the time I wasn't even sure I wanted children at all. I can't go back in time and change anything now and I try to remind myself that anything might happen; my children might move to the other side of the world when they're older, they might have children young or choose not to have children, I could get hit by a bus and die before they even reach adulthood (god forbid!) but my point is people need to have children if and when they're ready, not base it on some imaginary future scenarios.

The average of first time mothers is 32 , so if their parent were late twenties, then they’d become grandparents in their sixties , so plenty if time for the gc/grandparent relationship. However, there’ll be fewer great gp around.

Parents yesteryear had such large families that they were still having children in their 40s though. My mum and dad were both the youngest of their broods, GParents were 42 when they had my dad, retired the same year I was born, looked after me whilst my parents worked as their time was free, died in their mid 90s when I was in my 30s. Surely that's a totally normal relationship and they got to meet their GGC.

My mum had my brother very young due to SA, GM at 38, GGM at 60. Potentially she could be a GGGM or even a GGGGM but I think that is the exception not the rule and probably not something to aim for.

My dm married at 20 and both of her parents were already dead, my dad was older and his were dead too so I had no grandparents. I take your point though. My grown up dc are single and show no inclination to have dc, if they ever do I will likely be too old to be very involved (if i am still around). And yes they are very unlikely to be involved grandparents themselves in the future.