AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

You are right OP but it isn't a new thing.

I'm 60. My maternal DGM died when my mum was 16. Maternal DGF died the same year my mum married. My paternal DGF died in a farming accident before I was born. My paternal dgm died when I was six months old.

I had ds at 45. I doubt he'll have children before he's 30 so I'll be mid 70s. I firmly intend to still be around but if I'm not, I'm sure he and his children will cope.

My ds has a pseudo-granny, an elderly neighbour whose own grand children are in NZ. People adapt.

It was ever thus, though. About half of Elizabethan children had no grandparents alive by the time they were born, as life expectancies were shorter and the average age of all women giving birth was 30 or so, with their husbands being about 3 years older; most women who married continued having children into their late 30s.

The period immediately after WW2 was very unusual. The age of first time marriage fell to about 21 for women and 23 for men, but couples on average had only about 2 or 3 kids and did not keep going through their. 30s and beyond. So you had this very odd period for about 30 years after WW2 when most babies were being born to parents in their early and mid 20s. meanwhile medical advances were helping grandparents live longer. So grand parenting lasted an unusually long period of time during this period. A nice thing in many ways, but not especially traditional.

My parents were slightly older having me (by 80s standards - 34,35) but we’ve managed to negate that by having our children fairly young (27 first child; 30 second), so they were in their early 60s when they were born. Both sets of grandparents are an almost daily feature in our lives - helping with childcare and generally just lots of socialising with us, and my children adore them. They are all in their 70s now and I’m glad we had our boys young as I honestly couldn’t ask them to do the same level of childcare now that they did ten years ago.

I had my kids in 2006 & 2007.
DH's dad born in 1937 literally refused to hold them or really have any interest in the till well, well past the toddler stage.
MIL was firmly in the, had three kids and leaving them to cry on the garage never did them any harm, mentality. But this flipped to I'll be the best imaginary grandparent full of imagination and magic, when that didn't work out with a four year old, we've had little effort since.
My parents were also in a weird 'this is how we grandparent's stereotype.

I don't think the relationships have been at all valuable unlike the ones with neighbours, various teachers, community project they truely have been incredibly memorable.

I hope we'll be around to support our kids become parents but the whole baby thing, been there, done it, I don't seem to have the same imaginary longing as the previous generation. And that goes for being mother of the bride and various other milestone events that they crowed about.

I agree. My grandparents were a massive part of my life (and they still are even though they’re gone now).

my kids won’t get that for other reasons than age. As a poster above me said age is just one reason for grandparents not being close.

People are entitled to have children whenever suits them (if at all).

These days for a number of reasons lots of people prefer to wait until they are in their thirties or forties.

It is a persons prerogative. End of. People cannot and shouldn’t be forced to have children any earlier than they want to.

It's my only regret about having children later (37 and 39). DH was 46.

My parents were in their early 20s when I was born so even though I left it late they were only 60 when I had DC and were very present in DCs childhood. Not for childminding though. My mother offered but I wanted her to enjoy being a grandparent without feeling obligated.

Now DC are in their 20s and nowhere near ready for children I imagine we'll be too old to do much if they do eventually.

Some grandparents aren't interested. People move away. Some people sadly die young. There's never any guarantee of grandparents.
I had all 4 until my late 20s, not one of them was really in my life.

While some people will have kids in their 40ties, it's much more common, statistically speaking, to have them in 30ties.

My parents are young (mid 50ties, had me in their early 20ties), but don't see my LO often because we moved abroad. I think age is just one piece of a puzzle. Not everyone will stay near their parents, not everyone parents will remain healthy, not every family has a close relationship.

My dad’s mother was 48 when she had him (post-war baby). I never met her. He says it was like being raised by his grandparents (nearest sibling was already 17 when he arrived).

My mum’s mum was 51 when I was born and still working full time 200 miles away. (Mum was 23 having me. Her mum was 28 having her.) They weren’t a regular influence in our lives.

My mum was 56 when DD was born and still working full time 6,000 miles away. (I was 33.) She’s not overseas anymore but is still working pretty much full time at 70 and has a lovely relationship with both of her grandchildren. Same for my dad at 77. She absolutely didn’t want to be a grandmother any sooner.

DH’s parents are in their 70s and very disinterested in grandchildren generally. They live near 6/7 of them but don’t really know much about them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I see grandparents as the potential sprinkles on the cake, rather than a fundamental part of the recipe.

I was 33 and 35 when my children were born, by which time only my mother was left out of all four grandparents - they were older parents for the time (eg my father was 39 when I was born) and they all died relatively young. We definitely felt the lack of grandparents compared to other families, but my mum was very close to my children so that did help make up for it. However, she died at the age of 80 when my youngest was ten. It was too soon; I do feel unlucky that she didn’t live long enough to see my children grow up, and that they never even got to meet their other grandparents. Perhaps I am too bitter, but I think that no one else really cares about my kids, they just pay lip service to caring about them, at best, and at worst are actively competitive/hostile. By contrast I think their grandparents would have cared and both sides would have benefited from the relationship. Being without grandparents really is a huge loss and it’s rarely acknowledged.

It’s nothing new though - women have been having kids into their 40s forever. My 2 best friends were born when their mothers were in their 40s, they’re mid 30s now and no kids yet. There are masses of parents at my kids’ schools who had kids in their 40s and a lot of them have parents in their 80s.

My grandparents were late 30s when they had kids, my parents were the same. The grandparents were all dead by the time I was 10 years old and I didn't get to meet 2 of them at all. It doesn't bother me because I don't know what I missed - to be honest it's easier than dealing with someone dying that you're close to.

Equally my partner's dad had kids young, so did his parents. He was a grandfather by the time he was 39. But he died at 50 from cancer so it was the same amount of time as I had with my grandma anyway. You never know what's round the corner.

I get your point but it’s not a reason to start having families earlier

I only had one grandparent and she died when I was 11 (she wasn't that old, she was 59). I never really felt I missed out on anything to be honest. My own DC have no grandparents now, all died. They've never commented on it, just life.

Plenty of people would have kids earlier if they could afford it. It's not like we sleepwalk into this, we didn't have much of a choice. Additionally having kids isn't so much of a "given" socially these days as it was even a generation ago. More women really enjoy and want to maintain careers, travel etc. I'm sure a lot of people who had kids at 25 in the 70s because that's just what you did - and they could afford it on one income - might make different choices today.

My grandparents were all mid 50s-60 when I was born. My parents were both 60 when I had their first grandchild. Really not a lot in it. My partner's parents were mid 70s but he was their youngest. They have still been lovely present grandparents. My mum is a decade younger than other grandma but isn't any more active in DCs' life because she lives with stage 4 cancer. You can't predict or control how things will pan out.

I agree I didn’t have grandparents I can remember . My mum didn’t have me late but unfortunately all my grandparents died in their 60s and I do miss not having those relationships . I have 1 grandchild and it’s magical I sore on her ❤️

Well it's not ideal. But if its no grandparents v growing up with GP but impoverished parents in shitty relationships because they rushed to have children with the first partner they could find and before establishing their careers then I'd say late babies are the lesser of 2 evils.
Obviously not all young parents have those problems, but I guess the majority of older ones haven't just waited purely by choice, but wanted stable relationships and reliable incomes.

But why? Is that because of a selfish desire to have grandchildren earlier? I would hate to see my dd give up her youth and independence before she is ready, I want her to live a little first!

I mean, fair enough to help them financially if they want to have kids early, but doing everything you can to "encourage" them to reproduce sounds a lot like piling on the pressure.

I hope I'll get to meet my grandchildren and have a good amount of time with them, but honestly, it's much more important to me that my dd lives the life that she wants to live.

I agree and I do think it's quite sad. Im incredibly lucky to still have all 4 grandparents around and they are still fairly active and see a lot of their Great GrandChildren.

Yes. But what are you suggesting? My mother had me at 35 and my younger sister at 38. I had my kids in my 40s and my sister had hers at 45!
There's also plenty of other reasons why grandparents may not have a close relationship with their grandkids- distance is a big one (my parents lived in a different country to their parents); low interest (that would be my in laws), health, dementia etc. Or the opposite- they may be very healthy and active and busy doing their own thing!
Better to look at those who have a good grandchild/grandparent relationship as fortunate indeed.

If I had them earlier (35,40) then they wouldn't have the life and lifestyle they have now. It does sound a bit cold but I think their future is what we are focusing on. I know that we probably won't be very active if we have GC or even be here and I'm ok with that.
My effort is for my kids and I'm happy with just that, GC would be a bonus.

Is there any evidence that people with lots of money have children younger though? I think it's the opposite!

One's health.

My in laws had their first at 19, then all 3 of their kids had kids young so they have 11 grandkids, half of them grown up (2 with their own kids)
Introduce me..I'm having a surprise baby at 42 and sadly my own mother died a month ago before I had even told her and my fil died 3 years ago. My dad died at 39 so my baby will only know my mil as a grandparent. Yes he will miss out and it is terribly sad