AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

Not all grandparents want a special relationship or to offer childcare. There are often threads on MN from grandparents saying how they want to travel etc instead.

My DC is only a baby, I am an older FTM. This wasn't be choice, we had fertility issues. I may miss out on being a grandma due to my age. But my child may not want kids? It's becoming more challenging as the years go by to provide a stable lifestyle that's suitable to raise children in.

My (only DC) was born when I was 40 and DH was 46, and more than a decade on, still has four grandparents (all in their 80s, touch wood).

Whereas our parents had us in their 20s and 30s and our grandparents died younger.

It depends so much. I think this country's got the most 80 and 90-somethings it's ever had?

my Mum was the youngest by a long way, and her parents lived the other end of the country, so we saw them maybe once a year. My other grandfather died when I was 2. I have survived reasonably well. My own grandchildren live abroad, but video calling has kept us in touch and they know me. I don’t think this is a new problem, but it’s a lot easier to keep in touch now

I'm a young grandmother. My DC had an older one. There's pros and cons. I was only late 40s when first DGC arrived and have been able to be very hands on and help my adult DC with some of the heavier stuff I wouldn't have expected from their GPs. On the negative side, I'll be working FT till they leave school so long school holidays of walks and baking won't be on the cards. My DD did comment on me not bring a 'nan nan' like she had, which was a reference to relaxed days with retired GPs as oppose to the different experience of one not much older than some other DCs mums. Though perhaps I'll have great grandchildren to be a 'nan nan' to.

They probably will miss out on some things assuming grandparents are relatively local and interested. However, what can you do about it? You can't really encourage having kids young in this climate.

I had my Gran until my 40s.

My children had lost all 4 before they hit 10 years old despite all only being 60/61 when they were born. 2 died and the other 2 don't give a shit.

There are no guarantees whatsoever

My parents had me in their early 20s and my dad's mum had passed when he was 16 and his dad passed shortly after I was born. My granny is still alive and well and just into her 70s now so although I was born to young parents I only got to know half of my grandparents.

I think it is a shame that people will miss out on special grandparent relationships but I don't think that is specific to the increasing age of parents.
There's lots of reasons people don't have a strong relationship with their grandparents.
There's also many different reasons why people don't have children until they're 'older' and many people don't have the luxury of taking grandparent relationships into that decision process.
I think we all just have to do the best with the time we have. If the relationship is important to you, then make the most of it while you can.

My sister had her daughter mid-thirties, but our mum died of cancer while she was pregnant. She was only in her sixties. Maybe on a population level there will be a greater proportion of older grandparents, but equally people are living longer. I think people living further away from where they grew up is more of a factor in the grandparent relationship tbh - many people can't afford to live and start families where their parents live, so you may have grandparents a couple of hours away. That's not going to give you the same sort of support and close relationship that having kids a few streets away from your parents will.

It varies so much though. My maternal grandfather died when my mother was 3...so I obviously never met him. He was 23 when my mum was born.
On the other side, I had my children at 37 and 40 and they both met (and remember) my grandmothers. In my case, it was nothing to do with not meeting the right man or infertility (dh and I have been together since we were 22), I just didn't want children.

Good point about ententes family in general. Now my children do not like their only two cousins so that does make it a struggle on that part.

But yes the family as such only gathers hugely for a wedding or funeral. Dh’s side will only be funerals coming unless some divorces happen. There will be a wedding due my side but they have already said it’s no children and only around 10 guests. Also planning on staying child free.

So you get down to me, dh, my sibling and their partner, dh sibling and their partner. Are the only people in our generation, as dh’s cousins are older by a long shot and are off in their little circles. My cousins are better not spoken about. My side and his side do not mingle at all.

So once parents/grandparents all die off. It will just be us, our children and their partners and possibly any children they have unless something drastically changes between the cousins or child free ends up not child free.

My parents had all three of their children by the age of 25 and all their parents were dead by the time I was eight. Life holds no guarantees.

I grew up over 100 miles away from grandparents so barely saw them. I don't know any different.

I’m a slightly older mum. Can’t help infertility. Best I can do is role model a healthy happy marriage so my kids marry in their mid 20s like I did. I’m not being funny or racist but in my experience too many white kids’ are allowed to live like teens until their 30s

Will add that while yes mil was older when dh was born he was the 3rd child

Mil was 72 when dd 1 was born and 78 when dd3 was born. She was an active involved and caring grandma

My mother was 53 and 59 when they were born and uninterested and uninvolved

Dd1 was 16 and dd3 10 when my.mother died. They were 21 and 15 when mil died.

Mil is spoken of often and with much love. My mother who according to your calculations should be the involved active grandparents. Is rarely mentioned.

Age is not always the issue interest and care is.

It’s not just grandparents, there’s a decline in extended families more generally with fewer siblings meaning over the generations there are fewer uncles/aunts and cousins too. Both of us have one sibling but it’s very possible that our DC will have no cousins and we aren’t unique in this by any means. Plus nowadays people are more mobile so less likely to live near grandparents/extended family even if they do have them.

My DFs parents were both dead by the time he was 24. My DM had both her parents and a grandparent until after I was an adult, my great grandmother died when I was 19. It's just luck.

And even if it were controllable to have fit involved grandparents around (it's not), what do you want anyone to do about it? Have children before they want to/before they've met their life partner/ before they can afford it? Just so the grandparents are younger? Even if you think this is a problem, what's the solution?

I had kids in my 20s but neither set of grandparents were interested so my kids basically don't have grandparents except on Christmas day. There's never any guarantees in this life

I don’t think there is any kind of universal rule that can be applied here. There is no ‘right’ ago to have children.

The most important relationships for a child while growing up are those they have with their parent(s). A close, loving relationship with grandparents is a wonderful addition but it doesn’t replace the primary parental relationship. And there is a growing body of evidence that having children later in life benefits those children significantly. There is evidence that children born to older parents may be more intelligent, attain greater educational success, and live longer. Older parents have also been shown to be more financially stable, more patient, to raise healthier kids, to be more emotionally available and to provide greater familial stability.

Of course these advantages are not true across the board, but you could certainly make the argument that delaying having children until later in life gives them the best chances of having engaged, emotionally prepared parents with adequate resources for raising them, even if that comes at the expense of a few extra years with their grandparents.

You also don’t have to spend too long on this forum to see that grandparents can be as much a source of tension and heartache as of joy!

My children are 1,3 and 7.
My parents are 85 and 88.
I agree with you, but despite their advanced years they do mange the odd day out with my 3 and 7 year old on their own. I do realise that they can't do this for very much longer.
I know much younger grandparents that can't be bothered with their grandchildren because they are too busy having their own fun. A compromise would be nice.

I agree, but what do you want?

What's best?
Kids at 22 with the guy who cheated on me after I attempted suicide, then lied about it.
Kids with the guy after who was fifteen years my senior and emotionally abusive.
Kids with a handful of short relationships that never worked out.

They'd all give my parents time to grandparent and me grandkids ideally
Or kids with the husband I met at 29, married at 30 and had kids with at 33 and 38. He was 40 and 45. His Mom is 72, mine is 65 cos they both had kids young. If my eldest has kids at 40 I'll be 73 and as you say, useless and forgettable. But I'd rather he did what I did and picked the right co- parent

I don’t think most people are waiting til their 40s to have children. I am in my 40s now and even in my highly professionally ambitious age cohort from school and uni, we all still had dc late 20s to mid 30s.

That said, my dc only have 1 grandparent despite us having grandchildren fairly early. Dh and I both lost our dads as teenagers. My mum and I are estranged (no idea even where she lives, so she obviously has no relationship with my dc). MIL is around, though she’s not massively involved. She’s still young and well (became a grandparent at 60), but doesn’t do much with them and only sees them a handful of times per year. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is pretty much my only regret about having my own son when I was 39. I enjoyed a long relationship with my grandparents, into my 30s with some of them!

however, it is what it is. I couldn’t have had my son any earlier due to circumstances.
i will just have to do my best to stay healthy as long as I can!