AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

Do you really find the defensiveness weird? I think it's really obvious and understandable why people get defensive.

Not to the extent that they blindly refuse to accept the nuance of the situation. I had my children at one end of the spectrum and I accept there are pros and cons to that, I don't understand why others are so insecure they are in compete denial, I don't get who people are trying to convince online when people here don't know them.

I remember my great grandmother on my mums side she died when I was 9. My grandparents I lost at 17, 30,36 and 41. I lost my mum at 41 too.

My dds are in their twenties they lost their great grand parents at 6/8, 9/11 and a grandma at 17/19. Their other 3 grandparents are in their seventies. And they have a great grandad in his nineties.

Life doesn’t work out that way though so yes there will be lots of younger generations who won’t know their grandparents and Yanbu to be sad about that, but there are lots of people who still prefer to have family when younger so you can’t make that sweeping generalisation. Also it is a relatively new albeit lovely thing that we get to know our grandparents. Historically people used to die at a much younger age so if was rarer that children would meet their grandparents. Yes as health care and diet has increased life expectancy more recent generations have had the benefit of meeting their grandparents but even so I know lots of people who never got to meet their grandparents by some horrible circumstance or twist of fate. So I don’t think it is suddenly a new thing where our children will automatically miss out, it just might be on the gradual increase

@villagecrafts

Aside from the biological aspect of age and aging in general, one of the most significant aspects in my opinion, is the way UK society does not focus extended family. It barely focuses the nuclear family, but that's a different issue.

Modern uk society is set up so that some areas are much more desirable than others. It encourages a large percentage of young adults to spend 3 years in a location far from home at university rather than structuring the higher education system so that living closer to home possible.
It has completely normalised the fact than you move location for work rather than change work to remain within a certain location. It is seen as the norm to "retire" in a different place in the country.
Even "moving house" is part of UK culture, which is not found in many other countries.

This means that "family" is just not prioritised, even before you take into account people's ages. This is obviously on a societal level and not an individual one.

The Uk has wonderful aspects, its diversity, its adaptability , the desire to move and see different places and people all have really positive benefits, but you can't really have both that and a deep and meaningful connection to your land, your local cuisine, a house which is seen as a place to be a family for your whole life rather than an asset to be renovated and modernised before you sell , a group of lifelong friends and your extended family all around you.

I think that it's beneficial to talk about changes in society both at home and abroad. I also think that we should be encouraging conversation about both positive and negative aspects of change, because it often feels as if talking about a possibly unintended consequence of societal change is perceived as a challenge to the "accepted version" of how things are now.

It wasn't unusual for women to have children in their goryies in previous generations, but they generally were the youngest of a brood, so the oldest children would have had grandparents, but the youngest may not have.

I am the youngest child of the youngest child..... I only had two Grandmothers, but that was because they lived to be 100! I didn't have any relationship with them though, because they were not local.

One of my grandfathers died in WW2, I only knew one grandmother, she was around 70 when I was born and was born in 1900. My Mum had me at just over 40 so I am what you are describing but when it was slightly more unusual. I agree with you op, I used to love going to my friends Granny’s house, I just never had that.

My grandmother lived long enough to see her great great grandchildren. My children clearly remember their great grandparents. I vaguely remember my great grandmother but it's more of a feeling than an actual memory.

Birth my children who have children were young by today's standards but it doesn't mean they've settled for partners. They both seem to still be in love.

I think waiting too long can also mean that you settle because time is running out

Wealthy grandparents live longer and healthier that is the truth. Sorry you don’t want to hear that while also panning older parents (most of whom are wealthy).

Both my parents are in their 60s but eere poor and they’re now literally at the end stage of various diseases. By 40 both of them were disabled. This was quite commonplace in the council estate where I grew up.

Meanwhile DH’s family was wealthy and mil and stepmil both do the school run, take care of childcare for their gc and ggc, and are always in some kind of fitness classes 3 x a week in their mid to late 70s and early 80s. And that’s the norm throughout their social acquaintances. Those who can’t manage or don’t want to manage the childcare element just pay for it for their kids and get to enjoy their gc.

It’s not a big deal.

I remember my grandparents - they were probably about my age now- 60s- when I was born. But they were old - in the sense of having been born before WW1 , lived through that, the depression, WW2. They had lost children to childhood illnesses. They were working well into old age.
They had little time to actually invest in their grandchildren.

My own parents died when my sibling’s children were quite young, and they call me their ‘bonus granny’. I am the aunt with no DC, so took over the role of gran - treat days, emergency pick ups , baby sitting.

My point being, we have created our own family norms and memories, given our circumstances, and I know my nieces and nephews much better than my grandparents knew me, or I knew my own aunts.

I met my DH at 21 but we waited until we were financially secure to have dc. So mid-late 30s.

Both our parents were in their 30s when we were born. This did mean that very sadly before my youngest dc was 4, two of her GPs had died. My mum also had significant health concerns so I have been a "sandwich generation" mum since dd was a toddler. FIL also has significant, long term health conditions.

DH and I had no practical support from our parents re the dc. Not one school pick up, evening babysitting, overnight stay. We juggled it all between ourselves and paid childcare.

I do sometimes wish I had had dc younger so that their gps could have been more involved. I do feel that my dc have missed out a little on that.

But the flip side is that my dc have grown up in a loving, financially and emotionally stable home which I believe is the most important thing a parent can give their dc. This was doable because DH and I waited until the time was right. That decision has consequences but it was the right decision.

Do you really find the defensiveness weird? I think it's really obvious and understandable why people get defensive.

That’s because people don’t criticise maternal age in everyday conversation. So nothing said out loud to get defensive about. On here, people express opinions that they would not in person.

Well on here. Not noticed it in RL.

Women get so weirdly defensive about maternal age.

I agree with you. I don't think it's a good thing that more and more people are having kids at an older age, for a few reasons.

All of this. I only knew one of my GPs and they lived hundreds of miles away. I don't feel like I missed out but then you don't know what you don't know.

My own DC have all four GPs - but don't see them often despite them being capable. Yes it would probably be easier if they were younger but even when my DC were little they didn't make much effort.

I had one living grandparent when I was born - she appeared to hate everyone, including me. My understanding is that she had a troubled and challenging life but I'll never really understand why she thought that was the fault of her children. Life can be perfectly lovely with or without grandparents. It can also be unpleasant with or without grandparents.

I think this is a nonsense and it's just one more thing to add onto the "woman's work" pile.

This kind of thing always reminds me of the mash report, where women just can't win.

I'm not sure it will affect children.

None of my grandparents helped out with childcare.

My Paternal grandfather wasn't interested in his grandchildren. My maternal Grandmother was toxic and had 'favourites' which I wasn't and caused me more harm than good.

I wish that I had been able to have my DC earlier but I didn't meet DH until I was 30 so didn't have DC until I was 34 and 37.

Luckily our previous generations had their DC in their early 20s so my DC grew up with lots of grandparents and great grandparents (some from remarriages). My grandmothers didn't die until I was over 45, DH's grandma was the same.

My DC loved having all of those older relatives and have already said that they are sorry that their future children are unlikely to have the same experience.

Having said that they didn't meet my DF because he died aged 46 when I was 25. So nothing is guaranteed.

So, one more thing to beat yourself up about if you haven’t found the right partner by 30? Or should we just settle on anyone to be the father so we get the all important young grandparents??

We all do the best we can with the hand we’re dealt. The most important thing for children is a stable home and loving parent/s.

The absolute last thing I want for my kids is to rush into parenthood so I can be a GP. I don’t expect to have GC much before 70. That’s how old my mum was when my eldest was born and she’s still here at 89! My kids will always remember her. My friend had kids in her early 20s when her parents were still in their 40s. They both died before they were 50 and her children have no memory of them. You can’t control everything.

So you were 56 when your grandchild was born.

Thats young.

So not really who the OP is talking about.

OP, I agree with you. I think it's part of a bigger thing. Families now often live in such a rat race. The demands of modern life and most families requiring two working parents are very difficult.

Without a stay at home mum, and without family help, it's very difficult, with a lot of reliance on afterschool clubs etc which is expensive and can be tiring for children.

I wish I had children younger for those reasons.

My parents were 33 when I was born. I had my kids at more or less the same age.

My kids are 8 and 5 now. Parents are mid 70s and very, very involved. But I can see them slowing down and they also have health issues and are not expected to live to a long age.

This breaks my heart. I don't have any other family.

One of my grans had children very young so was alive when I was mid 20s. The other gran had her kids older but she lived to her mid 90s, in good health, so she was also around until I was mid/late 20s.

I feel very sad that my children won't have that. They are so close to my parents and it makes me sad that they possibly won't remember much of it.

Parents heled with childcare twice a week from when I returned to work after maternity leaves and not only is it a huge help financially but it's a much better set up for the kids. I work part time (some weeks 4 days per week, some weeks 3 long shifts) and on the days my parents don't have them it was a good mix particularly when they were very young and 4 days a week at nursery would have been too much.

I understand the need to be financially secure and in a committed relationship before having kids, but I do wonder about the possibility of encouraging my kids to start their families earlier, if possible.

Of course, they may not even want to have children and with the way things are going in the world I can't blame them.

My parents are not in good health and I know they worry about leaving me behind even though I am 41 and fairly capable, and they worry about leaving my kids behind as they want longer with them. I don't want to be in that position when I'm older, although I may well be. I know I would feel sad at the thought of dying and leaving my kids when they are only early 40s. It just doesn't seem long enough with them. My own parents were around 60 when their mums died.

I don't know. It's just sad.

I'm often somewhat jealous of the families with multiple generations due to them having kids very young. They have such long, close relationships. However there is no denying that many of these young (often teenage) mothers are having kids in unstable relationships and without getting qualifications, a steady job, or secure housing, which obviously brings its own problems.

It's not easy to get the balance right.

My parents are almost 80 and they have a 9 month old granddaughter. My MIL is 55, when we go out it's my mum who runs after grandkids with me. She's extremely fit and has played sports all her life and does daily yoga. MIL is in poor health so isn't as active. I'd like to think my parents will be around for a good few years more. My nan was 77 when I was born and we had a wonderful relationship until she died when I was 13.

I had my youngest at 41 due to infertility. I sometimes think it'll be sad not seeing my grandkids grow up but my nan had my uncle at 41 and she saw his first born get married and have a child so you just never know. I would have liked to have my girls when I was 5 or 6 years younger but they came when they did and I'm grateful I got to be a mum. I can't be worrying about whether they'll procreate.

Grandchildren aren't promised to anyone either. Kids may decide not to have their own children, infertility or living the other side of the world etc.

My friends mum has been pining for grandchildren for years and two of her children have infertility and the other doesn't want any. Then my other friend is an only and he's got 4 children.

There are tons of reasons why people don’t have close grandparent relationships. In my family, my siblings and parents and I are living across three different continents.

When I had DC, my Mum was only 50. She loves DC very much but told me in no uncertain terms that this was her time now and that she was happy to babysit for a couple of hours over an evening, there would be no full days or overnights.

Now she’s 70 and does more for my youngest sibling’s (who was much older having children than I was) kids but she’s in a different stage of life where she wants to be more involved.

Grandparents of 50-67 are often still in FT work, so just don’t have the time to do the things our grandparents did. Mine only ever worked part time and did a ton of care for me, my siblings and cousins.

How many adults have grandparents now?

In any era up to now you'd be lucky to still have them in your 20s. My grandad lost two brothers in WW2 - lucky that I got to know him as my grandad.